Dear Mummy

A Crazy Idea

2010-07-22T01:02:00.002+08:00

Dear Mummy
Pls allow me to borrow your space for a while to grieve for yet another important loss in my life.
I am going to write to him like how I write to you.
Writing has been a good source of grieving for me.

Dear Ah OO,
You are an octopus and oyster true and true.
Breaking so many hearts and closing your heart so tight
You think you are right. I think you are wrong too.
I thank you for your time and willingness to spend your time with such a tut tut like me.
To me you will always be put put lots of shit. And I will always be tut tut full of slugs.
For the million sake, pls refrain from your frivolous ways, misleading and seducing ladies and then finally breaking their hearts.
You must have rejected 2ooo ladies thus far, given your most recent track record of more than 15 girls in 2 years.
Seriously, what is so good about you? And can you say true to your heart that you have not done anything wrong or misleading? It may not be the words, but the actions too.
By allowing and being so intimate physically with ladies, do you consider yourself as a prim and proper gentleman?
Perhaps thats why ladies like bad boys don't they? Just like you.
Sometimes I really find that you are such a jerk. Sometimes when my anger subside, I know you are not at fault. It has been mutual.
You are a nice man with a good heart. But you are a pretty good heart breaker. Looking out for preys..or preys just fall into your hands of the predator easily.
I must have been the stupidest prey of all. Easy feat ah?
So happening just like a drama serial....
YOU ARE A JERKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK emo state again..
Thats all the ventilation for now.

Hate you,
Agnes

Twenty years later...

2010-07-22T00:03:00.002+08:00

Dear Mummy,

It has been an eventful 2 years since I last wrote in...
It is really the spur of the moment that I have decided to write in after so long...
Not sure what have been stopping me...laziness I presume
And I guess I m just too bored and too lonely these days to the extent that I think you are the best person to talk to now...

I have been running away, living in a dream. I still am.
When will be the day I start to come back to reality and face my own worst fears?
Twenty years later?

Someone important told me that I may not remember him twenty years down the road...
Will I forget him? I really do not know. It has been hard forgetting the memories.
Really haunting.......
Time they say will dilute everything even memories.
I agree..cos it happened to you. Worst, my memory is poor.
So most likely it will happen to him too.
No one can be with you forever, except yourself and your breath would be your closest friend.

I have learnt but not well enough.
Some things are just not meant to be, no matter how much you want it.
It may not be even if you have gotten it.
Just like you, gone with the wind just like that.
People come, people go. One day I will go too. To where? To you?
Looking back, I have been silly. But I have been a silly happy fool.

A deep void remains. Nothing seems to be able to fill it.
What could it be? Where could it be? How could I find it?
Death sometimes seems like a pretty nice release. An end to all questions and a definitive closure to the possibilities. A beginning in its end.
Quite a radical thinking. But I m so looking forward to growing old, a step closer to death. My goal in life.

Twenty years later, I hope I can forget him but still remember you. He is just a passer by in my life. I realize the best way is to take it that he s dead. And it is impossible for anything to happen cos he s DEAD. It s so hard to even be friends. So I guess I better just let it be. Best not to have any contact. Given my small brain, I should be able to forget soon.

Anyway, things have changed. He has moved on and I have to too..just a bit slower. He s always so fast, while I am always so slow. He s so smart, with such a bigger brain than mine, while I am always a TUT TUT to him. He has so much world experience, while I am only living in my own small world. He is able to let go just like that, while I always linger on. He s so fierce, while I am so meek. We are just worlds apart.

I used to think, perhaps we could complement each other. I was wrong.
I used to think, perhaps the feeling I felt was real and full of possibilities. I was wrong.
I used to think, perhaps he is the only one. I was wrong.
I used to think, perhaps if I persevere and try hard enough, we could be together. I was wrong.
I used to think, perhaps we could still be friends and maybe even good friends. I was terribly wrong.
I used to think, perhaps he would be there for me always. I was terribly wrong too.

I was wrong, wrong, wrong and wrong.....

But one thing I was right is that I asked for it.
Every love song seems to be singing my sadness, every couple on the street seems to be amplifying my loneliness, every little thing seems to remind me of you...
I begin to wonder if I can find such happiness again. I begin to wonder if I want to have this kind of sadness again. It s a package isn't it? I am lost. I do not know what I want. To have someone or not..or better with myself?
Can someone else replace you?
Never imagine it would be so hard...but with each passing day, it gets easier.

Twenty years later, where would I be? Where would you be?
Twenty years later, I hope I can be somewhere far far away, with my camera in my hand and your face gone from my mind.
One step closer to mummy, million steps away from you and a few more steps away from death.

Wishing you Mr M , her Ms S and Little Cute Boy all the very best. May she be the one who can spend the rest of the life with you. It has been a long long road for you.
Wishing myself all the very best too.

Twenty years later, 47 years on earth. Sending this letter to myself, aged 47.
Mother of 2, a girl and a boy. Happily married. Housewife.
Or Swinging single, roaming around the world, visiting all the buddhist sites, taking all the beautiful photos, gaining more and more depth into life.

So exciting! to see how life may unfold.

Thank you Ms K, Ms J, Ms L esp Ms K for all the support. Sorry to have bothered you so much and holding on to you.

TWENTY YEARS LATER?

A New Year, A New Start, A New Beginning

2008-01-04T19:57:00.000+08:00

"With every end comes a new beginning"

Dear Mummy,

It s 2008. I have to keep reminding myself that another year has come...that every second I am getting older and nearer to you.

Sorry for forgetting you sometimes, and that I only remember you when I needed someone. It s very selfish of me. But you are always in my heart. ok? Pls dun be angry, k? I love you and I will always do.

Recently I have been to an overseas mission trip. It was great! I have learned alot and grew a lot, and hopefully I can have the willpower to make a positive change in my life now. The kids are so innocent and adorable, with a heart so pure. Compared to them, I realized I have become so much complicated, no longer the simple me. I guess complication is much needed for survival in such a complicated world.

Such a simple world there has made me want to keep the simplicity of myself with me no matter what. And truly simplicity is happiness. Contentment is joy. It s the little things that count. Being alive is joy, being able to experience all these is joy, even it may not always be good.
I tell myself that there s always a positive side, no matter how bad things may be. I may be strong but I also need someone by my side. My always "act" strong side has told me, I have failed miserably. I am a human being, not a saint...

The stronger you seem to be, the weaker you may actually seem to be...and it s ok, really to lean on someone sometimes as long as you are willing to reach out..I know someone will be most willing to be there..and from this trip, I have found the courage to do just so...thank you my dear friend for being there with me without judging me.

"The strongest person is the person who knows when to ask for help."

And it s really all in the mind. The past doesnt matter, the future is not here. Why dwell on the unnecessary and miss the most important time NOW. This is really something which I must work hard towards. Whatever will come will be truly stands now as long as you are true to yourself and those around you.

Life has a way of compensating those who have lost something or someone somehow or other.
It always balances out.

Love is illogical. Love is irrational. Love is unconditional. Love is happiness.

Searching for happiness illogically irrationally unconditionally in the new year, a new start, a new beginning.

I know you are waiting for me just out there..every second I am walking nearer to you.

Love you always,
Agnes

P.S: Mummy, give me the strength to stay true to my heart. The power to make the change and the difference. The wisdom to love and give. And one last thing, I wanna tell Daddy that I really love him and for all that he has done for me. No words can describe it. Hugzx.

Fate

2007-09-22T02:26:00.000+08:00

"Fate is something least unexpected in the most unexpected situations"

Dear mummy,

I have a feeling you have sent a group of people to prove to me that life s worth living.

It s your way of telling me that life s great, isnt it? especially so for the unexpected people you will meet unexpectedly.

Fate has its way of leading me to them, and you are the one who brought fate to me.

Many of us have been to many trips, been to many tours with tour groups.

But how many of us have come back as great friends with the friendships growing so much so that they are going out of control when they are back.

I have. And let me tell you, it s an amazing feeling. Nothing I have expected.

My feeling after my Tibet trip was that, it was quite boring ,for all we did was visited temples and more than often I am just monkey do monkey say, not really understanding most of the things I did. The things I enjoyed most was the nights when a group will come to our room and we will chat and play.

And the final realization I got was, it must be fate s way of leading them to me. What matters was not then, but the future it brought.

We do crazy stuff, mostly impromptu. Late night suppers at the last minute, visit to Night Safaris, cleaning elderly home, volunteering at tsa tsa making (buddhist offering), organising charity dinner, drinking, singing, dancing, msning and suaning etc.

Two months seems like two years. Unbelievable.

How long will the two years last? I do not know. As they said like fireworks, it s beautiful but it s short lived. Will our friendships continue to grow and bloom? Or can our efforts and common interests make it into wine which will become better with age.

Something is drawing us together v closely and I believe there s a reason for it.

No matter what, like what my friend has said, who cares what the future will bring as long as we treasure each moment we have each other now.

Live each moment to the fullest. Be yourself and embrace all.

Just like we know we are going to die one day, but we still live each day beautifully.

Trust me, it s a great feeling. The feeling of life.

So when fate comes along, hold on to it for as long as possible and let it go when it s time.

I believe in fate. Do you?

Love,
Agnes

P.S: Thanks guys for all the great wonderful memories! I am sure there s more to go. Cant wait to create more =P

Don't ask why. Just do it!

2007-09-01T08:10:00.000+08:00

"Don't ask why. Just do it!" by Dr Timothy Sim

Dear Mummy,

Belated Happy Birthday! Seems like I am always late in wishing you happy birthday..haha..but well it s always better to be late than never

My wish for you is that you have already ended your suffering and have reached nirvana where peace may be with you at all times. I know you already have.

Just to share a little bit of what my tutor, Dr Timothy Sim has shared with me and class the other day.

Here goes the little thought provoking story:

Dr Sim has a friend in university who somehow injured himself one day. Being a very concerned friend, Dr Sim quickly ran over to his friend's side. And the first question was : Why did you injure yourself? How did it happen? Why like this? while blood dripped profusely down from his friend's hand.

The immediate reaction from his friend was a furious roar: " Can you please stop asking why? And do sth to my hand?"

Pushing his limits, Dr Sim rebutted and asked " Why are you so furious??"

And without further elaborating, you should know what s the next reaction coming from his friend.

Haha, a funny little inspiring story which jolted me to my senses somehow. We people tend to ask too much whys, and dont do anything about the whys. Linking back to how we were brought up, Dr Sim attributed his behaviour to his upbringing and similarly to quite a number of people.

When a child falls, what the mother would usually do and say would be " Why did you fall down?? Stoopid Stoopid!" and hits the child instead of asking " Are you alright?"

This brings us to the question of whether the reason of happening is that important since that it has already happened, why don't we just do sth about it first before thinking of why.

He furthers talked about introspection and people who are in depression. For they keep introspect themselves and keep asking why which is the main reason for their depression. They lack the courage to change the things they can and the wisdom to accept those things they cant and hence they keep asking themselves why they cant do this, why are they like this etc.

Coincidentally on the day which Dr Sim shared this ancedote, I wrote a list of whys. Why cant I let go? Why am I like this...etc? It quickly brought to my mind that I may be suffering from depression haha..and that quickly reminded me not to ask too much whys and that my unhappiness all these while is related to my "whys" problem.

And so my friend, my new quote in life is " Don't ask why. Just do it"

Whenever you are feeling puzzled over sth, try not to ask too many whys, and think of ways to solve the doubt or problem. Think it will help much better which I am doing right now.

Making an effort to change my thinking and lifestyle. Towards my goal.

Love,
Agnes

A Guest Speaker

2007-08-16T09:51:00.000+08:00

A very good evening to all of you.

It is with my utmost pleasure to welcome you guys to the talk today.

We are very honoured to have with us here today Miss Tan from i-GAP, which means inter-generational affinity project. Or in short, I-Bridge-the Gap who will share with us her experiences volunteering with the elderly.

To elaborate a little further, i-GAP is made up of a group of committed volunteers who aims to bridge the gap between the elderly and youth by organising various activities for the elderly. For example, outings, exercises and also painting and cleaning for the elderly homes.

Miss Tan has been with this group for a period of 2 years whereby she started out as a volunteer and now a committee planning team member.

Motivated by her great interest in gerontology and disability, she is currently pursuing a graduate diploma in social work in NUS. Being a compassionate and purpose driven person, she hopes to contribute more and better to the area of gerontology.

Personally from what I know about her, she is a person who is open to suggestions, someone who is very keen to learn, someone who is more than willing to help anyone to her best abilities. A very mild tempered and patient person, you can be sure she is the best person to talk to when you are feeling upset. She will listen to whatever you have to say.

But for now, let us listen to what she has to say.

A round of an applause for Miss Tan.

__________________________________________________________________

Any yes guys, the Miss Tan is none other than me,myself and I. Miss Agnes Tan Meijing

My lecturer did this exercise in class on Monday and asked all of us to introduce ourselves from a third party point of view. You have to sell yourself like how you would sell a guest speaker to your audience. Say all the good points about the person so that the audience will feel that they have not wasted their time to come for the talk.

I had trouble with it. Instead of saying my good points, I just talked about the activities I have joined and my past history as in where I graduated from and where I worked at previously...etc etc.

She also said something about knowing your strengths so that you can build on them. It is only by knowing your strengths before you can improve on your weaknesses as well. And that all these lie in self responsibility on whether you want to improve or not. We all have a choice, it s just a matter of whether we want to live with what we have or change it. If it is the former choice, then dun complain and live with it. If it is the latter, then make the effort to change it. Nobody can change it except you. We have the power to control our own lifes, and not leave it all up to fate.

As usual practice, let me end off with a quote :

"Change those things which you can and accept those you cant. "

Friends out there, do me a favour.. Drop me a few comments on my strengths will ya? so that I can know myself better. Try asking your other friends about your strengths too and you will realize you are actually not such a bad person afterall =)

Cheers,
Agnes

After a long hiatus...

2007-08-12T21:33:00.000+08:00

"To have eyes and fail to see..." Helen Keller

This was what Helen said when asked what could be the worst calamity to befall on any human beings. What say you?

Dear mummy,

It has been a LONG, long, LONG while since I dropped by here. Almost one year has passed and this year it is the second year since you have left.

Time does heal but never fully. A few things happened and jolted my memories of you.

Recently I have been bogged down by my own self esteem problem. Something which I am not sure whether you knew when you were still alive. It has always been a problem which I am trying to rectify and something which I have hopes of overcoming soon.

I know it s never easy to change, especially it has been me like this ever since.... I cant remember when. Reflection is an important aspect to assess whether you have changed and most important is whether you have the discipline to reflect and the discipline to change.

I have reflected and I think the main problem lies with my self discipline. I have always been lazy and you should know this better than anyone (*hiding a guilthy face*). Everytime I made a pact with myself to change, I lacked the discipline to make it happen.But I am not going to give up. And now it is the time I give myself another chance. Slowly I will. Right, mummy?

Mummy, I am back to school again studying something which I don't think you would have agreed to it. Social work. I have always wondered if you were alive, how different my life would have been. I would have found a stable job and work just like that because I would have to have that financial independence to support you and myself.

You have given me more than I have ever given to you, even after you have left for a better world. The money you have left me gave me the best opportunity to pursue what I want. This is one of the best ways which I can ever utilise the money. For the good of myself and the rest who needs it. Help yourself to help others as they said it and I hope one day I would be able to achieve it.

Quite a lot have happened during this year. So much so that I do not know where to start. Mummy, why don't you tell me what you want to know? Or maybe let me guess what you would like to know? My love life???? I can imagine a BIG yes from you hahaha...

Nope, nothing at the moment and not for the near future. Because my main priority is to find back myself during this year. It is a resolution I made and I wish to put all my energy in making it come true. Simply no distractions.

So in the meanwhile, mummy just help me keep a lookout for good candidates and keep them away from me till I am ready k? hahahaha.....Maybe give me an omen when the right one has appeared like maybe drop a stone on my head or something like that. The right one, I deeply believe, will appear when the time is right. And this I know, I will know, something which I firmly believes. Even if he does not appear in this lifetime, I have enough love from people around me to keep me blissed for the rest of my life.

Relationships are not just for the sake of companionship but the mutual love that exists and that mummy doesnt come easy. Idealistic it is, and it should never succumb to reality.

Ok, let me just give you a brief account on what have happened for this past year. I have recently been to Tibet, the holy land. Standing high up, I feel so much closer to you. Feeling that you are just looking upon me, peeking behind the clouds right there at the corner and protecting me against all possible dangers. I have gotten to know a few friends and that was I think the best gifts from the trip. How fates are interwined and how every trip brings another trip along with them.

Today, I just came back from Kukup, a fishing village in Malaysia. Truly, it is the companionship that counts. Sometimes it doesnt matter where you go, it s the people you are with. This can never be more true for this trip. So dear igapians, thanks for the wonderful memories...the fireworks are fanatistic! Mummy, did you see them?

Coming Dec, I will be going to Mynamar and all for a good cause. Finally fulfilling a dream since 4 years ago. A YEP project. Excited for it. Please give me the strength to contribute and not to be a burden.

I have been exploring Buddhism and its way of philosphopy. Interesting it is, but complicated still. To me, it is a way of living more than a religion. Religion it is called due to convenience and convention. I believe it is all in the heart and not really in the things you do, though some aid in the spiritual development. Somehow I believe, it can help me to become more focused and to be a better person so that one day I can free the 'me' in me. And you will agree to it, won't you?

It doesnt feel any much better to have goals and dreams in life. I am glad I have found a direction in life. Unsure I still may be at times, but if you never try you will never know right. And dear agnes, just for once try to shake your ego aside, forget about what people thinks, and have more confidence, will ya? I am sure you will be much better off.

I am so longwinded!!!!!! Suddenly I do not know what else to write. I always repeat what I say...so sianzx hor..hahahaha. Ok just let me end off with the quote I have started.

To have eyes and not to see.
To have ears and not to listen.
To have brain and not to think
To have heart and not to feel.
So have you been seeing, listening, thinking and feeling? Or have you forgotten what they are?

With love,
Agnes

P.S: Dear mummy, hopefully my next entry will not be another year later. Will try my best to visit you soon again. Cannot be lazy le! But most importantly it is to have the mood to write. Just hope my mood will be there.

Mummy Happy Belated Birthday!!!

2006-09-10T01:36:00.000+08:00

Dear Mummy,

Sorry for the late wishes. Was on my way to malaysia when your birthday came. But well, it may seem like an excuse to you and well it was true to a certain extent. I was too busy trying to clear my stuff before I leave for Malaysia.

So here it is, HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY! You would be 58 if you are still around. But well to me you are still around spiritually, though not physically.

Well, today I turned 23. It has been a while since I have celebrated my birthday with a cake. Today I did. As far as I can remember, the celebrations I have with cakes are those when I was still small. I still remember that every year you would buy me a cake and celebrate my birthday with my cousins. There was this year which you didn't and I feel so out of place, as if the norm has gone and birthdays are not the same anymore. I was quite bothered by that actually, having no cake to celebrate my birthday.

Years passed and I have realized that cakes doesnt really mean anything, having not celebrated birthdays with cakes for many years. Today, I felt kinda of awakard with so many people singing me a happy birthday song...which goes... ZHU (pig) ni sheng ri kuai le...hahahaha...I just feel so out of place. As much as I am awakard with the whole process, I am still very glad and touched by what my friends have done (buy me a cake, sing me a birthday song and to wish me a very happy birthday).

The only thing that came to my mind was that ===> I must have done many good things in my past life to deserve such wonderful people in my life now. I feel really blessed and glad that life has been given to me. So now, reflecting my 23 years of life, I want to thank you Mummy, for granting me life, for letting me experience life, for allowing me the freedom to choose what I want to do, and for making me realize how wonderful and fabulous to be alive!

I just came back from a Malaysia backpacking trip. A trip of enlightment, friendship, relaxation, enjoyment and fun! Somehow, I felt that I found my true self. I am able to open out myself, to face the real me, which was a great feeling. I feel that I am able to face any challenges that life is going to present me with, though uncertainty is still bound to be present. I feel that there s an enormous strength coming from deep within, so strong that I can slay a dragon!!! I will be able to accomplish what I want to do..Marching right ahead towards my goal, even it means sacrificing many things.

And deep within, I yearn for that someone who can give me support for what I want to do, having felt the warmth of being taken care of. Guess age is catching up on me, or rather loneliness has. So dear god, will you shorten my wait and let the person appear in front of me now? Haha...No matter what, I still believe, you will be with me soon.

Anyway, if time permits, I will create a travel journal of my Malaysia Backpacking Trip and tell you mummy, how great this trip has been. To show you what you have missed out, and would definitely have loved to share it with me.

Constantly on my mind,
Agnes

P.S: Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday to you,mummy Happy birthday to you.... What gift would you like to have, mummy? I bet, you just want me to be happy. And this is a gift I am sure I am able to give it to you cos I am very happy now. Love ya!

I understand...

2006-08-02T10:47:00.000+08:00

I understand......

But does that mean that I can accept? I do not know...

I guess sometimes it just doesnt matter anymore. I cant differentiate..just let it be...isn't it better?

I m just a mere being, a mere being with emotions too, though most of the time, I try to use my mind and think of the big picture and for everyone's good.

I guess the more I hide, the more I reveal that I am just not so understanding afterall.

In short, I m just a wilful kid, who wants things to go her way.

A Brand New Start...

2006-08-01T00:04:00.000+08:00

Dear Mummy,

My guardian angel. How have you been? I know you are here and always will be, deep down in my heart. I can no longer remember your voice, but memories of you are still vivid. I just want to tell you I love you and always will.

Recently, I started to think about you more again. Started to think how life would be different if you were still around. Would I still be where I am today? Would I still have the guts to venture into something unknown? Would I still have the passion to want to pursue my dream?

Somehow I feel, the answer is no. Cos for you, I will give up everything, even it means giving up my dream. I will go and find a job and work like everything else. Earn a living and provide for you so that you need not work anymore. If you are still around, you would also definitely to find a good job and find a good man as well.

Basically, now I make my own decisions (though I have always done that haha even when you are around). But now, I feel that I am really living for my own sake, not for whoever. Life has just started, if you ask me. I am not studying/working cos, everybody says you have to study to earn a good degree, then find a good job and earn lotsa of money, live a good life. I am doing what I want, and not cos of what 'everybody' has to say.

We live a life, dictated by the norm. Going against the norm means sometimes hurting the people you love most. For now, the two people matter most would be my dad (technically) and my ah ma. Actually I seldom talk to my dad, though I try. He s just too cold sometimes. Can you imagine talking to someone who doesnt always answer you? I might as well talk to myself. Actually my ah ma will not understand even if I explain to her, but I will try.

At the end of my life journey, I want to be able to answer to myself. I want to tell you, Mummy, that I have lived a worthy life, a life I am proud of. Even if the world doesnt understand me, I will stand by my dream. Sacrifices are inevitable, but the least I will try is to at least be able to feed myself. I know this is the best time now, with no committments. Daddy can still afford to survive on his salary while ah ma still has the rest to fall back on. I know I am being selfish, but give me a chance to pursue my dream. I want to fly!! (not literally). And so I m quitting my comfort zone, and venturing into the unknown. (secret)

A fact which I learnt these few months is that I can only depend on myself ultimately. Not friends, and sometimes not even family members. I have learnt to be more independent, given no choice. I have to be strong. People around you can only help you that much, and the rest is up to you. A few disappointments made me realize expectations are the source of disappointments. I have tried to push the disappointment away but to no avail. I am merely a human being, not a saint, no matter how much I can I understand you guys dun mean it.

A friend of mine, cant understand why I want to volunteer so much. In fact, I think she feels that I overdo it sometimes. Too much too that she feels 'fake'. That was roughly what she told me last year. This year, once again, she said that ' isnt it a irony that your volunteer work has cause you no time to meet your friends?' I was hurt the both times, but I appreciate her frankness. It is times like this, that you feel that you are alone in your pursuit. It is times like this that I feel that I have to be strong.

I was disappointed. Isn't volunteer work the string that pulled us together in the first place?

Another friend of mine, someone who I value a lot, asked me out for a date that day. I was pretty excited as I had something I wanted and needed to buy, and of cos to meet up with her. It was at last minute that she said she couldnt make it, with no explicit reason stated, just that she has something on. Or maybe cos I didnt ask. Then, I went alone. Lonely I was, but it s just something I have to go and do it myself, though it s actually nothing much, just shopping alone.
It was then that I thought of you mummy. You are always there for me, no matter what. It was then I realized there was no one I can turn to except myself.

I was disappointed. But I understand you are busy. Hence, my faith in our friendship sort of falters.

A few of friends had said they are going for a fundraising hike on sunday. On the day itself, one smsed me and said he overslept. And later on, a few others said they werent coming. One overslept, one without reason, one was sick and another one just didnt feel like coming I guess.
For those who came, I really appreciate it. They said, they came cos they gave me 'face'. But to me, it means much more. It is your way of showing me you support me. The encouragement is enough to overshadow my disappointment.

I was disappointed. But I was glad too. I had fun and hope you guys had too. I understand too, that those who didnt turn up had their reasons for I too have a fair share of 'flying people aeroplanes'. And so to the sunday's hike : There was falling rain, falling trees and falling in love too! (but not me k!)

If you are reading this, there are just a few things which I would like to say to you. Somethings which I have been trying to keep within myself for the fear of saddening you. But I know that should not be the reason why I should not tell you how I feel. To date, I have grown used to having buy one, get one free. Though on a few days, I do feel like an outcast. I know you guys do not mind me being there. But I mind. Though you tried to engage me in conversations, I just dun like participating, cos I was being wilful and feeling weird. I must say though, not everytime I feel that way, just once or twice. Actually I do not agree with your way of love. Possessiveness.
To some, it may be the best love that one can have. But to me, it means losing more than gaining more. But I understand, once again that that s you. And I am just me.

I cannot remember the last time when I was with you, without him. Truthfully, I do not know how I would be if I am with you, just the two of us. So long ago. I know you value me a lot, so do I. My mum once said that if you ever will to get a boyfriend, you will forget me. Thankfully, it did not happen. Instead, we have one more person together in this friendship. I do sincerely wish you guys happiness. But sometimes you really think too much. Happiness is in your own hands. Fight for it, no matter what the odds are.

I am disappointed too, that you didnt show enough support for my 'dream' when I asked you to come for the hike and the open house. I understand that you have your own reasons but I cant help feeling that way too. Well, I shadnt complain too much too, cos I didnt attend your convo too.

And so I was disappointed. But I am excited too, for the totally brand new start which I will have come mid august. I have tendered my resignation, awaiting my last day. Finally saying goodbye to comfort. These days have been quite 'terrible' for me, with absolutely no mood to work. Today has been no exception as well. I took off, went to market with ah ma, made soon kueh, ate lotsa of my fav vege, slept the whole afternoon and managed to secure some extra income through auctions and surveys. What a relaxing day!

Looking forward to a small getaway in Malaysia. Looking forward to what come may.

Indulging in the new possibilities,
Agnes

P.S : To all those whom I have mention in this blog, I do not mean to berate any of you guys. It is just my way of letting out my emotions. Too much emotions bottled up is not good. Anyway you guys may not read it too. To me, you guys are still all my valued friends!!! Without friends, I am nothing really. Just that, I have to be independent when the need comes.

Yes, it has been a long time...

2006-04-17T10:51:00.000+08:00

Dear Mummy,

Sorry for not visiting you for so long, though I must say you are still constantly in my thoughts and dreams.

It is coming to one year since you left and the pain still lingers, though I try to forget it.

The reason why I have not been coming here, is that I just don't have the mood to write anything. I don't want to keep dwelling in misery, saying how much I miss you, how much I wish you are, how much life would be different if you were etc. In short, I don't want to be such a whiner, such a crybaby, such a person who just cant get over.

Seems like I didn't succeed. I don't want people to ask, I don't want people to talk about it, yet I have so much bottled up. Guess this is still the place where I can speak freely, hoping you would just listen and not comment. All I want is for you to listen and for me to say.

Maybe, I am just hiding behind your shadow. Not brave enough to walk out myself, to face the weak me. Not determined enough to make any difference, I chose to run away and hide and live each day as it is. Encouragement doesn't really help, cos it cant be sustained. Motivation is a lost word in my dictionary and I cant see my future anywhere.

Yet deep down I know one day, everything will be better as long as I hold on, be it in a sad way or happy way.Many a time, I just really do not know what to do, except just to continue to breathe and hoping the answer will suddenly dawn on me.I know things don't just fall from heaven, and I have to make an effort to make it happen. But I just cant at this moment.

Would you let me just be this way for a while more and not reprimand me for my wilfulness?

What s now?

2005-11-03T23:37:00.000+08:00

Dear Mummy,

I am getting used to having you not being around, used to being alone at home, used to doing a lot of things myself....Time really flies, yet sometimes it seems to stand still. Once a while, I still cant really bring myself to accept the fact that you are really gone. Once a while, I will think that I am still in a nightmare and one day I would just wake up and you will be here again.

Yes, that s me, the silly me. Deep down, I know it is impossible. Most of the time, I still miss you a lot. And most of time, I keep wondering how you are and whether you will know I miss you a lot. Time does'nt heal, it just lessen the pain.

I havent been visiting this place for quite some time. You might be wondering how I have been, havent you? I am sorry for neglecting you. There s really a lot I wanna tell you, just that I do not know where to start. And also, I guess I am just not in the mood to write until now.

Life has been kinda of stress free, except like I have said about the part on missing you dearly. I am still working as a temporary staff at MCYS. The people there are really nice and don't worry about me being bullied. I remembered how you used to tell me about how you had to endure your unkind colleagues and I guess it s from you that I have come to realize that a good working environment is very important. Come to think again, if you were still around (something which I always imagine), you would most probably nag me to find a permanent job.

Seriously, I do not really know what I want. I think I know what I want. But yet, I do not know if that is really what I want and if I am able to do it. But well, I guess I would not think so much and follow my heart to pursue what it says. So yes, I am intending to go back to school, but on a part time basis. Alas, it depends on whether I can get into the course which has stringent selection criteria. I cant remember if I have told you which course it is, but well, it is the graduate diploma in social work. I guess I just do not want to just work for the sake of working. I want to work in a job that I find meaning in and a job that I love, knowing that I would spend many years working (I hope * meaning hopefully I will not die too soon and hope not *meaning hopefully I may marry into a rich's man family and become a tai tai)

Yes, and so I will try, no matter whether I get in or not. At least I tried right?

Oh yah, actually being alone isnt such a big deal..having survived through 3 days of being alone at home. Actually it doesnt make much difference whether daddy is around. I realize that whenever we are at home, we seldom talk to one another too. Well, our relationship did improve a bit, having talked a little more, but I guess it s still hard for me to talk a lot to him and to totally open up to him for he s more reserved. Our relationship has always been a solemn one, as you have known. Sometimes I guess I have really gotten over your departure and accepted this fact and things just don't affect me that much. Sometimes, I just cant.

For example, your ex-colleague called you the other day when daddy was not around. She asked for you, and I said you are not in. She asked me if you are still at work and I mumbled yes..after contemplating for a while. And she asked me to ask you to call her back and gave me her numbers. All this while, I have been thinking of whether to tell her the truth, cos you would never be able to call her back. In the end I didnt. Yes, I lied to avoid the awakard situation that I would face whenh the truth is being told. Well, I felt bad after that, and hated myself for being such a coward. In short, I conclude that I just cant accept the fact that you are gone. If not, I would have frankly told her the truth.

Well, she called again. This time, I decided to tell her the truth. She was shocked, just like some of the others when I have told them about you. The usual questions came, like when did that happen and how did you die, etc. She told me to take care....and..I cant remember.

I lied another time when I went to take my graduation shot. It took me a lot of courage or maybe not so much, to go and take the photo myself. Everyone came with their family and I seem to be the only one alone. That was when the makeup auntie start to ask me about my family. She asked why I did not want to take a family photo, asked why my mother was not here ,asked why she did not take leave to come and take a photo with me and asked me what s the job that my mum was doing. That was the last question that I was stumped. As the saying goes," You would need more lies to cover up just one lie you make" How true it is, and that was how I felt at that moment. I just couldnt make up any more lies and thus chose to ignore.

Yes, I have taken my photo, just cos I thought I should and not that I want to. I will show it to you another time.

Anyway, the festive period is round the corner and I really cant imagine how I can spend chinese new year without you. I really wanna go somewhere far away during that period. But I just cant find anyone to accompany me. I know it may sound like I am hiding but I just cant bear it without you yet. Guess I need more time. Maybe I shall go alone? But that would be so boring. Maybe I should just stay at home. But that would be equally boring. I do not want to go to ah yi's place this year, not without you. I do not know about the year after or next. But for now, I know I still do not want to. Please tell me what I should do? It seems like staying at home would be the best option now, as going overseas would mean leaving daddy alone cos I do not reckon that he would want to go anywhere or mabbe I should ask him to double check. So should I follow my heart and go somewhere or should I just be practical and stay at home? What do you think? Perhaps give me a sign?

Oh yah, but the way, daddy has repainted (halfway) your room to a lime green color. It looks really nice. And also, I have repaid almost all the debts, including ah yi's one whereby she has called just recently to ask for it.

Meanwhile, I guess I could still live on bravely. And I do believe that I might even live on quite happily without you. So I am still waiting for the someone to bring that kind of happiness into my life and I fervently hold on to the faith that one day my prince charming will come riding on his white horse. Maybe, in the meantime, you could help me search for him and if it s possible, bring him to me soon? Though I feel that I could still live on quite happily on my own, I guess all girls still do somehow yearn for that special someone. My criteria is actually very simple- which is for me to like him and for him to like him...But that itself I guess it s already very hard..Yah..yah yah...I know you will start telling me not to be so fussy. As long as there s somebody who likes you will do...But that s the problem..No one does! Haha.. I rather not have if I do not like him back in return. Simply managing the situation is already a big headache.

Well, I think I have updated you on almost everything. Till I remember whatever that I have missed out, I will drop by again.

Take care, mummy!

Love you as always,
Agnes

P.S : Btw, mummy, I have recently watched a Taiwanese Serial Drama titled Wang Zi Bian Qing Wa. Think I am going ga-ga over it just like what I used to be during the F4 craze. I must tell you this..Ming Dao aka Dang Ou aka Shan Junhao aka the main lead in the show is sooooooo cute and charming....haha.. ok..I am back to my silly days of idolising. Well, who cares...as long as I am happy! haha..just please stop me from buying too many of his things. Save money! Yep that s right..my new hobby these days. Haha. Save money.. Yah..yah...I bought a saving plan from DBS too and daddy has bought another plan...Cool! I derive a high sense of satisfaction in keeping my finance in control and the main reason which I am able to make ends meet is the money you left me. Thanks, mummy! I will try my best to use it wisely ^___^ Oops, I have started blabbering...kk..shall end here.

I....m....BACK!

2005-10-13T23:12:00.000+08:00

Dear Mummy and Friends,

I am back!!!! I had a long hiatus and finally my mood for blogging is back....

A lot of things have once again happened and my thoughts have wandered...

Let me just sum up my thoughts in a quote,

"Never been happier, never been sadder, never been clearer, never been so unsure..."

Yes, I have been through the happiest and saddest times in this period..And now I have never been so clear of what I want to do and yet I am so unsure of whether I can do it....

Contradictory? Yep, that s life, my friends.

Agnes

Goodbye for now...

2005-09-18T13:18:00.000+08:00

Dear Mummy,

Just drop by to say goodbye to you as me, ah ma, daddy and auntie amelia will be leaving for china,beijing tonight and will be back only on the 27th Sep morning. It is starting to get cold in china and hopefully I will get used to the weather there.

Daddy briefly mentioned the china trip you guys went in 1985, just when I was two year old. He said you bought really a lot of things, like little shoes and clothes for me. How I wish I have gone on more trips with you. I will never forget our family trip to Australia, Thailand, and Malaysia for they are the bestest trips in my life.

I shall update you more on our trip when I am back. Maybe I shouldnt say goodbye to you as somehow I feel you are going with us too.

Always in my heart,
Agnes

Contentment

2005-09-13T15:08:00.000+08:00

"He is the richest who is content with the least, for content is the wealth of nature."
-Socrates-

Dear Friends,

It has been a while, hasn't it? So many things have happened and I do not know where to start. Perhaps I should start off with my current employment at MCYS which for your knowledge stands for Ministry of Community Development, Youth and Sports and not some motorcyles company which my friend has said.

And for your knowledge, I am now multi-tasking- working and blogging at the same time. I would very much love to concentrate fully on my work but my eyes are failing me, so is my attention span. If you ever have to sort through 200 applications at one go, I believe you would understand my reason for taking a small break in my own world.

Well, perhaps I should share with you some of my working experience and especially to those who are currently on the lookout for job opportunties. Being attached to the HRD and in particular the recruitment side, I have killed almost 100 trees ( I do not know how many trees make up one stack of A4 side papers but roughly about 6 stacks of paper, haha) through printing of all the job applications. Now, I can fully understand why some employers took such a long time to contact you for an interview if you were ever being shortlisted.

There are simply too many applications for one job and simply so many degree holders that I wonder how many are still jobless at the moment. Though the statistics showed that the unemployment rate is going down, I have my doubts about it. Haha. Being skeptical I guess.

Anyway my two cents worth of advice to those job seekers, especially those seeking job in the civil sector. Kindly please fill up your application forms properly, in particular your results section.(So please do not be lazy, though I know it is very tedious having gone through it myself. As the saying goes, "No pain, No gain..Patience is a virtue"

Kindly please do not fake your highest academic qualification as dishonesty is not appreciated. Though one may say results aren't everything, they are the most objective criteria which we, recruiters can look at. Imagine having run through 200 applicantions, and you will understand why. (Ok, I think I have been repeating this quite a few times haha).

Another tip for you is to try to highlight your experience that is most relevant to the job description as stated in the advertisement as we actually based our selection on the criteria stated in the advertisement. ( By right you should know, or by left, you just can't be bothered). Ok, that should pretty sum up my learning points from my job for the moment. Stay tune for the next episode of " Idiot's Guide to Job Application in the Civil Sector" (provided that if I still have any more things to add). Alright folks, till then, good luck in your job hunting!

Work aside, recently I celebrated my 22nd birthday. For that, I did an makeover to mark the start of a new year for me. I shall post some of the photos which I have taken up here once I have decided which photos I want to develop. There are especially many septemeber babies and just last thursday, I went for a shopping birthday spree. I have bought 3 bags, 1 shawl, 1 pouch for all the september babies. In turn, I have received 1 backpack, 1 pouch, 1 bag, 1 big cushion, 1 pair of slippers, 1 bouquet of handmade flowers and 1 message in a bottle. Thank you guys! I love them all ^__^ Your friendship is the greatest gift of all.

Last weekend, I went to help the elderly living in those one room apartments to clean and paint their house. For the first, it was purely interaction and I had a fun time interacting with the ah mas, aunties and uncles. There was a lantern making competition and the theme was the east meet west. Guess what our group made? Two fishes( one goldfish from the east an one blue fish fro the west which signify the elderly and us respectively. In between the two fishes lies a lantern in a heart shape that joins us together.

And the title of our lanterns is he(3) zhuo(4) yu(1) kuai(1) whereby the he we change it to the river the he, and the yu we change it to the fish the yu. Creative right?? haha. Love our lanterns, though I wonder if it can be used. haha. Most probably, it will go up in flames once we light the candles. Anyway the process of making the lanterns was enjoyable though the elderly did not participate a lot. We just chatted with them. For me, it was a mix of chinese, hokkien cum teochew. I am amazed at my knowledge in dialects. I could actually speak in dialect! Though it wasn't perfect, or should I say far from perfect, the most important thing was that the elderly managed to understand me.

There was this ah ma who was very cute who helped me to do the heart lantern. She commented that she did not know how to make lanterns and requested me to teach her. Being an amateur too, I just 'taught' her as much as I could. Along the way we chit chatted and me being the silly me, cracked some lame jokes. She laughed, I laughed, the whole table laughed. And we were very happy making the lanterns. I love being with the elderly for no particular reason, perhaps for the stories they share with us and perhaps for the warmth they extend to us. They were very cordial and keep thanking us.

That was then I felt that I am the richest person in the whole world, not in terms of material riches but in contentment. It is good to know that what you have done is being appreciated by the people around me. And the thing that makes me the happiest is seeing their happy faces. Joy, indeed is contagious.

On the second day, we started work proper. Right from the start of the early morning, we started cleaning and packing ah ma's house. *For your information, ah ma (87 years old, with slight walking disability) lives me her son (60 sth) who is mentally unsound. Her son is particulary conscious about cleanliness and it is said that when a peck of rice is found on his hand, he will quickly go and wash it clean for a good old period of time. Hence, the water bill incurred every month is rather high.* However, during our stint there, we did not notice this situation and hence could not verify if this information is true.

Ah ma's house was packed with a lot of stuff. And an interesting thing was that there was a square piece of cloth being tied to the window. Upon questioning, we realize that it was put there to block the view of some peeping tom living in the opposite block who likes to peer into their house. We kept asking ah ma if we could fix a proper curtain for her but she insisted that it was ok. We asked her if we could throw some of the things away and she insisted that the things still can be used. (Though I have no idea what she could do with empty toilet rolls). She keep telling us to just do a simple job of cleaning up will do and that we do not have to paint the whole house as I think she do not want to trouble us.

Nevertheless being the determined lot, we vowed to do a thorough and proper cleaning and proper job. Never did I imagine that a day's work and with say 7 pple's efforts are neeed to clean and paint a one room flat. For me, I started off with the toilet which is one of the main concerns of the elderly. There were cobwebs all over the ceiling and dried paint can be seen dropping off the ceiling. And.......while I was using the toilet (literally) I spoilt the flush.
And after I spoilt the flush did ah ma came up from the waiting area downstairs to inform me of the proper way to press the flush. AHHhhhh..! Too late. And so another project of fixing the toilet flush was put into place.

The dirt that was being accumulated can only be expressed in two words, " A lot". It seems that they have not been cleaning the place for 10 years. Dust,dirt,cobwebs were everywhere. I do understand that ah ma may have difficulty cleaning up the place and hence we tried our best to get the whole place cleaned and painted.

One thing that I need to mention about the place is their beds and the occupants in their beds which are the bed bugs, in short we call it BB. Just in case you guys have not seen any bed bugs before, it s these small insect like creatures that suck blood from human bodies. Once bitten, your skin will itch and mind you, it is very itchy. To kill the bb we have to either step on them or squeeze them dead with our hands. After much persuasion, we managed to persuade ah ma to change her bed though she initially insisted that it was still relatively new. Upon further questioning then did I realize that her reason for not wanting to change, she thought she has to pay for the new mattress. And so we told her it s free and she finally accepted our offer. And also we changed the curtain for her.

As it was a bamboo curtain which I have bought from Ikea, there were holes in between. Hence when ah ma saw it, she quickly said that she wanted to change back because she thought that the peeping tom would still be able to peer through. However, after much assurance saying that people from the outside will not be able to peer in, she accepted the curtain and then was seen fiddling with the new addition to test the usability of it.

The thing that kept me going, amist my sensitive running nose and headaches (must be too much of the paint), was the wish that ah ma and her son could live in a better environment. And her final thanks.. (gam sia zui zui-meaning thank you very very much) made it all worth it. Ah ma's son, uncle was rather quiet throughout this whole event but I could see that he really like the new clean environment. Well, well, well, though I am dead tired after the two days work, I felt a new satisfcation and contentment.

As I have said, I felt that I am the richest person on earth by having the very least which is the simple joy of giving. All they need is just that extra help and their lifes can be much better off. I shall visit them this friday again to celebrate mid-autumn festival and hopefully to check that the paint is not peeling off.

So there you go, my last entry before my trip to China. Stay tune for the latest China (Beijing) update.

Satisfied and contented.
Agnes

P.S: When was the last time you helped someone?

ACEH.

2005-08-30T21:05:00.000+08:00

A.C.E.H = Arabic, Chinese, European, Hindu

Dear Friends,

1 week in Aceh really flies. I was just bidding you guys farewell and now I am back with tons of insights to share with you guys.

Disaster Tourism. Yep, that was what my trip was all about. Disaster Tourism. A new term that has emerged in the arena of tourism, visiting an area whereby a huge disaster has previously struck.From another viewpoint, the tsunami was like one of my friend said, a blessing in disguise. Aceh, a region in Sumatra, has been shut out from the rest of the world due to about 32 years of civil unrest. The tsunami brought in new opportunities from the rest of the world whereby Acehese can now look forward to more peace and prosperity.

It was a huge sacrifice, one may say for the tsunami to take away so many lives just at the expense of future peace. However, that is how the world works, nothing is ever earned without any sacrifice. The tsunami has in way contributed to the successful signing of the peace treaty between the Indonesian government and GAM ( who are the rebels). Hopefully there will be less fighting and hopefully better days will come for the civilians.

Well, so before I blabber more on my trip, let me just introduce you the group of people which I went to Aceh with.

Project name: Move for Mobility
1) Joseph- Project Manager from SIF(Singapore International Foundation)
2) Kartini- a Malay Singaporean SVO (Singapore Volunteer Overseas) based in Aceh
3) Jonson- Singapore PR who is an Indonesian Chinese; hometown: Medan- largest city in Sumatra. He is from Keppel FMO- a facilities maintainence company
4) Andy- from Mobility Aids ( the organisation that collects mobility aids including wheelchairs, repair them and redistribute to the needy- the one which I mentioned earlier in my much earlier entry)
5) Allan- from Mobility Aids too ( used to be the chairperson of this group)
6) Mus- from Keppel
7) Khai-from Keppel
8) Kumar- from Keppel
9) Azari- from Keppel
10) Kamal- from Keppel
11) Nazri- from Keppel

Well,yep and including me, the only chinese girl in this group. Anyway this was a joint project between SIF, CDC, SPD and Mobility Aids which started right from the start of this year. Mobility Aids have been collecting wheelchairs and mobility aids since then and we have sent over about 68 wheelchairs plus numerous other walking aids like walking frames and sticks.

Move for Mobility is a project whereby not only are we giving them the mobility aids, we are also hoping that through our training stint in the hospital in Banda Aceh, the staff at the hospital and some other NGOs can learn how to maintain their equipment so as to prolong the lifes of these equipment. Thus, skills transfer is one of my main priority.

We flew in to Medan via SilkAir before taking another domestic flight into Banda Aceh (sort of one of the main towns in Aceh; * in case you guys are not aware, Aceh is actually occupying a relatively big area in Sumatra). Medan is relatively more densely populated with more Chinese as compared to Banda Aceh. From what I have heard, Acehese used to drive the Chinese out of Aceh due to some racial discrimination and there is an area (forgot the name) in Medan whereby these Chinese have settled down after being driven out of Aceh. Hence as it seems that the Chinese in Medan generally do not really like Aceh and viewed it as a relatively unsafe place.

So as far as I can see and hear, racial discrimination is still prevalent in Aceh, having encountered some unpleasant incidents myself. While me and my friends were taking a photo outside the hospital( our training site), a schoolgirl in a the public bus along the road pointed her middle finger at us ( which I do not know if it is targetted at the four Chinese in our group or the whole group in general). Well, initially I ignored it, thinking that I must have seen wrongly. However, it was not once but thrice that she did that, making me realize that, either there is something seriously wrong with her or she simply dislike us- Chinese. I guess it should be the latter. Then, there was this evening when I went out with Kartini to the market near the mosque. Along came a bike and the rider just shouted Cina ( which means Chinese) very loudly. I was a bit taken aback and Kartini explained to me that there are very few Chinese in Banda Aceh and so the reason for that reaction.

For me, all these can be considered little acts of discrimination, though I do not know their main intentions. In Aceh, Chinese are really the minority of the community. Everywhere you go, you see mainly Malays, perhaps just once in a while a couple of foreigners. We were discussing about this topic and the conclusion was discrimination is everywhere as long as you are the minority. What is worse is that Chinese are generally better well off than the Malays there and that worsen the discrimination as people tend to get jealous.

After this trip, I am pretty grateful that racial harmony existed in our country. And I have come to realize that I actually do not really understand the different cultures in our country. Though we have been taught once in a while on the different races in Singapore, be it their culture, religion or festivals, I realize that nothing can be compared to having personally exposed to their culture. The Muslim culture in Aceh is relatively strict and women there are supposed to be covered from head from toe.

Perhaps, I should pose some questions to test your knowledge on the Muslim culture first.

1) Why is it that female Muslims have to wear tudungs?
2) How many times must the Muslims pray everyday?
3) During meals, which hand can only be used for eating?
4) Where do the Muslims bury their ancestors?

And well, here goes the answers. Let's see how many of you get all the questions right. No prize though for getting all right haha.

1) Female Muslims have to tudungs so as to cover their hair which according to them, hair is considered to be a seductive and hence should not be shown in public.
2) Devoted Muslims pray five times a day.
3) Only the right hand can be used during meals as the left hand is considered 'dirty' by the Muslims as it is used to clean private parts.
4) Muslims bury their ancestors in their backyards. ( * not applicable to Singaporeans Muslims due to the lack of space. In Singapore, Muslims bury their loved ones at government designated Muslim Cemeterty but only perhaps for 3 to 5 years as, as usual, not enough land.)

Interesting? That s what I thought so. Perhaps you guys may already have known the answers but for me, these are some of the things which I have learnt during this trip. There s still so much to learn and I realize that my lack of knowledge is mainly due to my lack of Muslim friends. Come to think of it, I do not really have any Muslim or Indian friends. Mostly are mere aquaintainces. We speak about racial harmony but how much do we really know about the other races? Do we really know how to appreciate their cultures?

I realize that it is this diversity that makes Singapore really interesting. I have been to Taiwan and all around, I see Chinese. I have been to Indonesia, and all around I see mostly Malays. I am right here in Singapore now, and I see many different races of people. I have a Malay neighbour right beside my house, an Indian family staying further down and several more Chinese households. Never did I know, such diversity should not be taken for granted until I have been to two vastly different countries. Never did I know, I actually do appreciate this diversity and and the respect and understanding between the different races that come along with it. Well, I guess, there is still more to be done and we should constantly make an effort to appreciate what the diversity has to offer although at times we may not agree nor truly understand why some things are done in that way. Personally, I really admire the female Muslims at Aceh, having to cover themselves practically from head to toe especially in such a hot and dusty climate which I cannot imagine myself doing it.

Enough said about cultures and races. Now moving on to the what we did in Aceh. Basically the first day was spent on sightseeing. We went to ground zero which means the coastal areas that have been the worst hit by the tsunami. It was a sad sight, I must admit. Practically nothing was left except debris. mud and some dilapidated houses. In case, you think the whole town was like that. Well, it s only like half the town that was wiped off. The rest of the town, where we stayed was still pretty ok.
I guess pictures say a millon words. Below are some photos which I have taken at ground zero.

Yep, the ship which you have just seen is right in the middle of the village, whereby the coast is approximately 5 to 10 km away. What could possibly have managed to carry such a huge ship (which most probably weigh hundreds and hundreds of tonnes) right into the village?

Yah, the tsunami lor. Haha. Lame question with a lame answer. During the whole time I was there, I was simply flabbergasted. And the whole time, I was imagining the volume of water and the height of the waves which could have sent the ship floating up and then down. I heard that somebody even saw the ship spin around a few times before landing and crushing a rich man's house which is now under the big ship now. We saw a thing that looked like a crushed car. My friend commented that well, perhaps it could have belonged to the rich man. We tried to look beneath, curious to know what could have been crushed by the big ship. We thought perhaps, many many bodies ? Well, nothing much to see, except for a cat who has inhabitated the small area which I had peered through after mastering enough courage. Haha.

As usual, I heard ( my ears have been working hard during the trip) that they will be turning the ship into a museum, to perhaps remind the future generations of the extent of the destruction. But I guess this might not be the main reason as to why they are not removing the ship. It would have costed a lot of money to remove the ship, being such a big ship I guess. Rather than spending money removing it, why not just keep it and use it to earn more money? However, the ship seriously needs some refurnishing as it is highly corroded by rust.

Another thing which I have noticed is that the locals there (in general term) do not really care about preserving artifacts which might have a long historical background. Well, this is because, we went to visit a kindergarten site (another project under SIF) and at this site, we saw this huge tombstone which most probably belonged to some royalty given the size and material of the tombstone. No effort was made to put it properly somewhere but was just left being half buried in the mud. Kartini said, they are most likely more concerned about the cost of removing it than to preserve the tombstone which actually might worth millions of dollars. What an irony.

Anyway, I fell ill on my second day at Aceh. Poor me. First it was sore throat, then it was flu and cough. Not only that, my eyes became swollen after taking two tablets of panadol. Well and the worst was I had diahorrea during the last few days in Aceh. Well, luckily, I was not that sick to the extent that I could not work. At least, I managed to repaired and cleaned some wheelchairs. Training wise, being an amateur and also because I am sick (though I think it would not have make much difference), I did not contribute much or should I say nothing at all. Feeling a bit guilthy that I was kind of useless, until Allan said," this trip would have been less enjoyable without you". Well, at least I provided some entertainment and laughter to the rest. (with my goldfish eyes and endless teasing or rather the one being teased).But that was really nice of Allan to have said that. I appreciated it. I especially like to make fun of Allan by always wanting to capture his photos. Andy too. Because they are just so camera shy that whenever I took photos of them, they looked as if they are going to kill me. Haha. That s one of the reasons why I have a lot of backview shots of them. Anyway I call the three of us, Triple As. Haha. Batteries anyone?

One thing which I have learnt from the trip was that sometimes help given may not be reciprocated. Sometimes, our help may even be over-exploited to the extent that it was over demanding. Kartini mentioned to me someone from one of the NGOs which we gave the wheelchairs to, was questioning/wondering why we gave them used wheelchairs and not new wheelchairs. It seems that, our kind gesture of giving them the wheelchairs have not been appreciated. They had expected new ones. Well, perhaps it is only a minority of them who thinks this way but it is enough to make one feel disappointed. Though the wheelchairs have been used, they are still in good condition because we have been cleaning and repairing them.Also, as I have heard from my friend, he said some of the facilities maintainence guys at the hospital was laughing at him while he was repairing the wheelchairs, which somehow was related to the fact that they could not understand why he was like repairing the wheelchairs. Well, I do not know how true this is as like I said it s only hearsay and their intention might not have been to ridule my friend. Anyway it is incidents like these that make us, especially Kartini, wonder if our help was worth it. One of our main concerns was whether they will sell the wheelchairs we sent them and whether they will look after the wheelchairs.

Kartini suggested to have a teambuilding and mindset change training programme rather than having the wheelchair maintainence training. Because, seriously one of the main problems is not lack of such mobility aids but the mindset issue. Their culture is generally more relaxed than ours and Joseph has not once but twice reminded us to work according to their timing. They generally do not take care of the medical equipment, like the beds and wheelchairs. As long as they are spoilt they will chuck it at one corner without attempting to repair them. ( as far as I can see, personal opinion). I do not know if they do not know how to maintain the equipment or they simply just do not care. As mentioned by Kart, because this is a government hospital and since it is not their money, they just do not bother to take care of the equipment. (* They as in the general term. I must emphasize this as I do not wish to stereotype all of them). Most of the staff are mostly sitting at their desks, doing nothing much. I was told that they will only do things when being told. And as far as I am concerned, the working structure of the hospital is very messy. Kartini has to walk around the whole hospital ( mind you, the hospital is really big) the whole morning just to get a document signed.

Nevertheless, we did meet some positive incidents as well. When we patronise some of the shops, people will thank us for coming to Aceh to help their people. Though we did not help them directly, they still thanked us. Some of the trainees (staff which we have trained) were rather friendly as well. Though I did not spend a lot of time with them ( cos I was sick), surprisingly they still remembered my name which really kind of touched me. And they would be really concerned for me as I was sick. It was really nice of them. While we were giving sweets to the children at the hospital, the smiles on the some of the children's faces were enough to make our days, though most of them have startled faces rather than smiley faces. Guess they were more shocked than happy. I even had to run after one kid just to give him a sweet. And a little girl ran away from my friend who was giving her a sweet. We were like hunting down kids just to give them the sweets. Hehe. But truly, it is a great feeling to be able to give, to just make someone happy for that moment is great joy for oneself as well.

Give! my friend, within your means and you will feel that you need nothing else. I shall learn to spend less on myself so that I will be able to give more to others. This trip has made me realize that I am indeed fortunate to be born in Singapore. Having clean water coming from the tap seems like to be guaranteed and a flush is almost everywhere in every toilet. Having a roof over our heads and having the luxuries of the glorious food and clothes seem to be a definite thing.

No, not in aceh. Definitely not clean water. I have to bathe with yellowish dirty water for 5 days, used manual flush to flush the toiletbowl ( meaning use pails of water to flush down my stool and urine) and use mineral water to brush my teeth for the fear of drinking the dirty water which may cause me to be very sick. I see the tents that the homeless people are staying and I wish I could build a house for them. I see the people who have lost a limb and I felt such admiration for them to be able to live life as per normal even with their disability. I see those people who have braved through the tsunami and I applaude them for the courage to move on even though the memories and pain of the tsunami may stay with them for as long as they live. In short, I have seen that life goes on, no matter what. And to be alive is already the greatest gift of all. Celebrate life by multiplying love through giving.

However, I believe we should only help those who help themselves. By giving endless help to those who do not help themselves would only make them more reliant on you. Just like in the case of Aceh, I feel that somehow the culture has evolved to become into one whereby they rely too much on others. Help has been taken for granted. Ever since the tsunami, numerous foreign NGOs have been rendering their help to the people there and this will somehow make the people feel that as long as there is a crisis, they can always count on the others to help them. In time to come, they would expect more and more help and will not know how to help themselves first. Some of you may ask, how do you expect them to help themselves when they are really in a dire situation. Well, I guess it is the attitude then. At least be appreciative, that s all that really matters actually. Being appreciative would mean not taking things for granted. And a simple thank you is all I ask for.

By offering our help to anyone, it is a voluntary gesture straight from our heart whereby we do not expect anything back in return. However, we should know how to protect ourselves without having our help being abused. This is a very important lesson which I have learnt and hope that you guys can take it as a learning point too.

Lastly, thank you for reading. I appreciate it.

Grateful to have been given this opportunity to volunteer in Aceh,

Agnes

Happy Birthday Mummy

2005-08-30T20:46:00.000+08:00

Dear Mummy,

I am back! How have you been?

If you were alive, you would have turned 57 last saturday. I am sorry I could not visit you last saturday to wish you a happy birthday as I was down with cough and flu. If you were alive, we would have celebrated your birthday with a dinner at some restaurant as usual. Well, I guess nothing is ever gonna be the same again. Yah, yah, yah..accept it agnes.

It was your 100th days death anniversary yesterday. Time flies. It really does. It seems just like yesterday that you have left this world and now 100 days have gone past. A lot of us went to pray at your altar yesterday. Did you see us? Somehow it still pained me to see your photo on your altar. I tried to avoid looking at it directly for the fear of evoking tears.

They asked if I have dreamt of you. I nodded and that was all I could do before breaking down into tears. I guess the dream was one of the more vivid dreams I had of you and the only one that we really talked. A real heart to heart talk. I could not remember what went through us except that I think both of us cried during the midst of the talk.

Anyway, I just want to tell you that I am living well and being very contented with what I have now. I have learnt a lot from my trip to Aceh and I have found my purpose in life which I hope it will pull through all life's adversities. There is still so much I can do for all those that I love and all those that I will come to love. The world needs a little bit more love and I think I could do just that.

I shall bring the world to you and let you feel the world like I do.

Miss you dearly,
Agnes

P.S : I love you, mummy.

Aceh?

2005-08-16T02:32:00.000+08:00

Dear Mummy,

Thought I should inform you that I would be going aceh this saturday. Eugene from MAS just called me just now. Well, do not worry for me. I will take good care of myself. It is something which I have wanted to do for a long time. I do hope I can contribute a bit to the tsunami victims though I must say I really do not know how I can help. I shall try my best. It is coming to one year since the tragedy has happened. But I heard that the situation there is still quite bad. I shall update you when I am back. Most probably I will be gone for a week and so I will miss your birthday which falls on the 27th Aug.

I can't really remember how we celebrated your birthday last year, just that we had dinner together which brings me back to an incident. I remembered there was once when we went to Jumbo restaurant to celebrate your birthday( I think it s yours) but as you have forgotten to bring the voucher/card, the waiter there refuse to give you any discount. You did not want to go back and get the card and hence had a small argument with the waiter there. We suggested going to the nearby hawker centre to grab a bite but you refused. In the fit of your anger, you went home yourself. After that, daddy and me got back home but you werent home yet though you left before us. In the end, only to realize that you almost got lost and had walked a long distance. You were really like a kid sometimes that I feel I am the adult. But that is also what makes you so lovable.

I have just gotten my pay this week. If you were around, I could finally give you a portion of my pay which you have previously rejected. The reason that you gave was that the amount which I have earned was pretty insignificant and I could give more to you when I have earned more. But deep down I know the main reason was because you knew I had painstakingly earned it and thus wanted me to keep the money for myself.

Well, I guess the best present I could give you this year is to be happy. I am happy now. I really am. But I would be happier if you were around.

K, enough said, going to the market with ah ma tomorrow.

Love you,
Agnes

New Idol

2005-08-16T00:36:00.000+08:00

" Idol? Who is your idol?"

Dear Friends,

I thought I am way past the age of idolizing. I was wrong. Seriously wrong.

Recently, my best friend has just loaned me a set of Korean VCDs. The title of the show is "Ban Wan Xin Niang" aka "Miss Kim's Million Dollar Quest "

Unlike normal tearjerkers korean melodrama like Autumn in my Heart/Winter Sonata/Summer Scent/Stairway to Heaven, this korean drama falls into the category of love comedy, something like "The Sassy Girl". If you guys have watched "The Sassy Girl", you would have known that the story is funny, touching and with a touch of meaning in it too. That s similar to what this show has to offer too.

Basically, this is a love story about Miss Kim( real name:Kim Hyun Ju; acted in Glass Slippers) and Mr Pu ( Ji Jin Hee ; acted in Da Cheung Jin). Poor Miss Kim was abandoned on the altar on her wedding day by her heartless fiancee who left her for someone richer. Prince in shining armour Mr Pu who was her wedding photographer came to her rescue by taking her away to avoid her embarrassment. They started off as a bickering pair who can't stand the sight of each other.

However, fate has its way of pulling them together when Mr Pu was made bankrupt as his dad was put in jail. Being stranded and having no place to stay, Mr Pu approached Miss Kim for a roof under his head. Miss Kim unwillingly allows him to stay in due to her dire financial situation so that she could collect rent from Mr Pu.

On the other hand, as Miss Kim colleagues did not know that Miss Kim has not been married, Miss Kim has no choice but to ask Mr Pu to act as her husband lest the embarrassment and explanantion she has to give to her colleagues. Deep down, Miss Kim cannot forget her fiancee and vow to win him back by earning more money than the rich girl who has stolen her fiancee.

Mr Pu has his own sad story. Since he was made bankrupt, he has sold his bike and jeep so as to keep his family house whereby his older brother was buried. Thus the two sad souls commit themselves to earn their millions. Together, they brave through ups and downs. They worked from mornings to nights, set up businesses, work part time, etc..But nevertheless, nothing runs smoothly for them ( If it did, then there will not be any story left to film ha). The rich girl simply won't allow them to succeed in the fear that Miss Kim will be able to win back her ex-fiancee who has now become her beau.

The nice part of this story is the comical effects which they have added in. It is really funny. Both Miss Kim and Mr Pu are really funny together. As the story goes, Mr Pu unknowingly fell for Miss Kim. And the touching part is that although Mr Pu knows that Miss Kim heart is not with her, he is always there for her as long as she needs him even to the extent of leaving her so that she can be with her ex-fiancee.

So did Miss Kim and Mr Pu end up together? Watch the show and you will know. But most probably you would already have known the story.

Well, so now Mr Pu has become my new idol. I havent had an idol since ages. Allow me to indulge in my young innocence crushes whereby I live in a fantasy world. Let me picture my knight in shining armour will be like Mr Pu, suave, charming and ever so sweet. Just look at the way he smiles...It just going to melt your heart.

He has this typical korean look. Eyes that cringe when he smiles. Perfect smile that emits the charm of a matured 33 year old man. At the same time, he just have this boyish look.

Oh no, I am in love. Not again. Another crush.

This always happen when I watch a drama serial with an especially devoted loving male lead in the show.

So my latest idol is Ji Jin Hee, a 33 year old of 178 cm who loves photography and is keen in charity work. And the best part is he is married.

Suddenly I feel young all over again with this special crush on someone so far away. It is a wonder why the female species has a tendency to swoon over handsome cute guys. Are we superficial or is it just an instinct in us? Just like guys who likes porn.It is just in them. We are just girls craving her the love of a matured and handsome guy. Perhaps, as girls we love to daydream. We love to live in a fantasy world whereby the knight in shining armour will protect you no matter what. We know that no such person exist in reality and hence that s the reason why sometimes we rather live in the fantasy world whereby only there, dreams can come true.

So to the guys out there, perhaps you will not understand why we girls can go crazy for someone whom we do not even know. Well that is because there is simply no one in real life that is really worth our effort to go crazy for. So the next time before you lament on the silliness of the whole idol thingy, please just do reflect on yourselves first. ( The content does not mean to stereotype the male species. It is just stated in the general term. No offence. I apologize if I sound too critical. I am just trying to offer some explanation to the whole idolizing trend ^___^).

I reckon that we just live in the society whereby appearance is important. I sincerely believe that we should respect the looks that have been given to us. But well-grooming is equally important too. Jay Chou used to look just normal and nothing spectacular. I am amazed how good he looks now with good grooming.

You may argue that looks are just superficial. They never really last. For me, I believe in taking care of how you look. With just a little more effort and care, I believe we can look good and feel good.

I sure can crap..from idol to good grooming....anyway the most important tip for looking good is to be generous with your smiles. Just like my new idol Ji Jin Hee, smile and the whole world smile with you. Jin Hee, you are the best!!!!

On the last note, a treat for you gers out there...a picture gala of Mr Ji.
*Drumroll* Sit tight gers, presenting to you Mr Ji Jin Hee:

Well, that s all folks. Guess you should have pretty much guessed what I have been doing during my free time these days. Yep, watching korean vcds and swooning over Mr Ji.

Well, mummy, I bet you would have love this show too since you have always been a fan of korean vcds. It would have been much fun if I have watched with you. We could have laughed together at those silly scenes. Anyway I have watched it on your behalf. And to your previous question whether I will get married, my answer has changed to.." Yep I will, if the guy looks like Ji Jin Hee!"

Your die-hard fan,Mr Ji Jin Hee,
Agnes

Hey guys!

2005-08-12T12:04:00.000+08:00

Dear Friends,

How have you guys been? I must apologize for this long hiatus which I have taken.

So well, I guess just let me give u guys a 'welcome back' smile before I start blabbing again! This is a picture I took when I was waiting to board the plane.

As you guys might have already known, my work at NTUC link has ended and I have just came back from Taiwan. Well, I shall just do a little update then to fill you guys up with the more details.

I realize that I have been a bit longwinded in my previous entries. Hence I shall let the pictures do the talking.

At NTUC Link

My colleagues

Beautiful shot captured from my office's pantry. It is as if we are a big ship floating on the sea when you look out of our pantry.

This is a photo which we took on our last day of work at Coffee Club whereby our dear boss has given us a delicious lunch treat.

So well, that s all for my stint at NTUC link. I shall share with you guys on my life as a Customer Service Officer another time.

A few days after I have ended my work, I flew to Taipei. Taipei is a great city. Bustling city. I kind of like the environment there and especially the area which we stayed in- Xi Men Ding. It is unlike any of the shopping places we have in Singapore. Let me just show you.

No daunting tall buildings, just little short buildings and big plasma screens all around.

People bring their dogs around and especially in Xi Men Ding. The dogs there are just so cuteeeee....

And interestingly, there are not many stray dogs or cats around unlike in Bangkok.

The TV programmes there were great too. 100 over channels. Some are dedicated especially for korean dramas and some are dedicated just for news. I must say their news there are dramatic. It is simply just like watching a drama serial.

We met with the Matsa Typhoon, right in between our stint in Taiwan. First time in my whole life..I have come so close to a natural disaster. Well, apart from the news of the dire situations of mudslides and broken bridges in other parts of Taiwan, heavy rain and strong winds are all we have encountered. The wind was rather strong I must say. My umbrella was almost being blown away haha.

During the days of rain and wind, we visited shopping areas like Taipei 101 (currently tallest building in the world), Wu Fen Pu ( wholesale shopping district), Xi Men Ding ( higher class shopping) , KTV (Holiday KTV...there was no school and work that day. The KTV was definitely one of the favourite pastime of Taiwanese and there was tons of people queueing up. Luckily for us, we met with a group of friendly Taiwanese girls who kindly let us have the additional room that they have booked, else the day will be spent wasted in the hotel).

The cafes and pubs there were great too! There was this special cafe beside the hotel which I am staying that left the deepest impression on me. The cafe was in the theme of sea and the decorations were all of seashells. The lighting was dim and with a shade of blue. And the seats were swings chairs that were hung from the ceiling. Another cafe which I saw was the Teahouse at Jiu Fen. Jiu Fen is an old mining ground whereby it is situated on a hill. It has a sense of nostaglic ambience around it which I kind of like it. The Teahouse look out upon the sea whereby you can savour your tea while admiring the scenery. There is only one word to describe the scenery there. Breathtaking.

Pity, I did not visit either of the cafes due to the lack of time but it definitely gave me some ideas how I wanted my cafe to be in the future. Nostaglic and Seaside Flavour. How about that?

Food for me was still not too bad. However, I still feel the variety of food is still the best in Singapore. My favourite food in Taiwan are as follows ( in no special order):

1)Hao Da Da Ji Pie (chicken cutlet). It is definitely much better than Singapore one's.

2) Heinkien Green Tea. You can taste the beer but yet not so strong. It is quite hard to describe the taste but it is definitely bagus!

3) Red Tea. Their red tea is especially fragant. It will make you crave for more after one cup. Definitely a thirst-quencher.

4) Cream Puff ( Forgot the brand). But according to my friend, it is a famous cream puff shop over at Taiwan. Rich creamy puff....yummy!

5) Ah Zong Mian Xian.. Hot Hot Hot!

6) Oyster Omelette. Definitely worth a try. Different taste from ours with a different pinkish gravy to go with it.

7) Beef Noodles....Glorious Glorious Beef Noodles. They have this preserved vegetables to go with the noodles that will absorb the oil in the beef noodles. Wonderful complement to the noodles. The cup noodles are great too! but only for the brand called Man Han Da Chan.

8) Dou Jiang You Tiao.. Their You Tiao is simply......fabulous@@.. Thin and crips..They just melts in your mouth!

9) Lastly not to mention their Kong Ba Bao. Mei Cai Kong Ba Bao. A terrific snack on a wet and rainy day.

Talking about all these food makes me hungry. Looking at the time, it is lunch time! Time for me to eat now! I shall write more on my experience in the next entry, perhaps more on the emotions I felt during the trip.

Miss Taiwan,

Agnes

It has been a while....

2005-08-12T11:50:00.000+08:00

" Time flies, or so we think. Many a time, we thought we have forgotten a lot of things but if we search deep enough, we will know they are still inside our heart."

Dear Mummy,

It has been a while since I have come to visit. How have you been? I am so afraid of forgetting you that I tried so hard to remember so many things about us. Finally I realize that things that I thought I have forgotten will never really be gone.

The trip to Taiwan have sort of reduced the pain of me missing you so much. The new environment and companions did make me forget my sadness, though once in a while, I still think of you. I still remember the times that I went overseas and you would always be there to send me off and pick me up.

I feel so stupid only to realize how much I love you and how much you love me until you are gone. It is a fact I know I must accept. And a fact that I can be happy without you.

" I must learn to let go. But I will never forget you."

I love you, mummy.

And as the Colin Raye song goes, " Between now and forever, till I see you again, I will be loving you. Love me."

Well, enough said of my emotions. I shall update you on my current happenings in my next entry. See you on friday, mummy.

Love,
Agnes

A Bustling Week

2005-07-24T16:28:00.000+08:00

" Sometimes, we just need a break to carry on."

Dear all,

It has been a while since I have updated my blog. Much has happened since then. And I shall start off with the day after my convocation.

I have to admit that sometimes you just have to believe things that are out of the world. That day after my convocation, the day when I was really sad, mummy came. ( Hope it doesn't sound eerie and gives anyone of you any goosebumps).

I know it s you I see, mummy. Somehow, perhaps some may say as a coincidence but there are just too many incidents to support the fact that somehow it may just be you. Remembered I once told you guys that I saw a moth at my office at level 14th? The day after my convo, I saw it again. As if it knows I am sad, it has came to visit me. It left when I left for lunch that day and somehow it left after I felt much better. Well, sometimes, somethings are best left unspoken and the fact that I believed, makes me feel better.

I know you are always here, as long as I believe. When faith falters, I know you will come and restore the faith.

Oh yah, mummy, I have started driving! But I can't park for goodness sake haha. It is a pity I did not start driving earlier, lest you could have taken a ride with me. You are the one person who I wish I could have ferry around for you are the one who make all these possible. Well, rest assured, I will be careful when I am driving. It is a great feeling to be on the move! Driving and listening to music, that s life manzx..

My week started off with staying over at Ying's place to celebrate her birthday. We made cheesecake..ermm..ok.. she made while I slept haha. Then on tuesday itself, we went to sing KTV and at night we went to new asia bar at raffles city for a drink with Qi and Jia. For the first time in my life, I truly was taken aback by the night city view of Spore. For those who have not visited new asia bar before, it is at the top of raffles city with a magnificent 180 degrees view of spore night view.I enjoyed the food there, especially the bbq platter...Yummmmmy! Though it could have been better if there was no smoke around.

Well, things change, and more often that not, people change. It is pretty amazing on further thought that four of us who are so vastly different can still stay connected, or hopefully so I wish. Ying and Jia will be studying while Qi is already working. For me, I am going to be unemployed soon. Ha. Qi said a sentence which made a huge impact on me. She said, " Those who are working, will have different topics to talk about". ( not the exact words, but something like that). From what I have comprehended, it implied that those who are working and those who are studying will have less common topics to talk about which may ultimately means that we have less to talk about due to different interests.

Actually, I have already experienced a bit of the truth of that sentence that night when we went out. And I am beginning to wonder if we will all drift apart someday, especially when we are all working (though we may have more common topics to talk about, eg. bitch about boss etc.) since all of us will be very busy with our own stuff.

I agree that working is really tiring. These past few days, I fell asleep almost immediately I went home. I even fell asleep when I was watching the tv. Never really did finish watching what I intended to watch. I am only working as a temp. Can you imagine how tiring it will be when I truly start work? Hence I truly do believe that when we all start working, we will not even have enought time to sleep, lest meet up. Guess we all just have to make more effort to maintain our relationship.

Nevertheless, these past few days have been quite happening. I have been living the life of a tai tai after work. Spa, yoga, shopping but well except for mahjoing.
In short, I am just loving myself and pampering myself and maybe to prepare myself for a life of a tai tai. Yah, yah, yah..continue dreaming.

I must especially highlight yesterday happening. Work started off at 9 with me, ying, and violet calling up members to update their birthdates. I didn't know such a simple task could have evoked so many jokes. For me, instead of date of birth, I said birth of date..and not once but a few times. The member even has to correct me. For this, I have being laughed by my colleagues. As for ying, she cracked the most hilarious joke of the day. It has been a while since I have laughed my head off. I do not think you guys will understand the joke unless you have been there at that moment. Anyway, it is the joke on the case of the missing ms faradilah.

Oh yah, one more thing, office has become a warfare since one of the perm staff has started to complain about us (we temp on being too slack, not clearing cases etc.) We have been told by our superior to be more hardworking. However the name of the particular perm staff has not been released. I am indiginant about the fact that the person has secretly tell tale on us instead of telling us straight. Our boss said, things are like this in the working world and I wonder how bad office politics could get when I truly start working. This has been a mystery which all of the temps have been discussing for the whole week. Trying to find out who s the person behind the back. Interesting. Office politics even for temp staff. Well, I guess, they can say whatever they want behind our backs but as long as we know we did our work, nothing else matters. Anyway I am leaving next week so I shadn't bother myself too much with it.

Oh yah, back to the day's happenings. In the afternoon, I went to volunteer with my friends to help disseminate wheelchairs for tsunamis victims. Oh yah oh yah, there is something which I have to tell you guys. I might be able to go Aceh to help out! I am so excited. haha. Anyway it is really a very interesting experience, disseminating the wheelchairs and then fixing back a new one for the needy. Very meaningful too. Think I will try to make an effort to help out at a regular basis. For those who like to join me, you can always leave down a msg me. The more, the merrier.

Finally at nightfall, I went to the Zpop concert. It was cool especially JJ, simply took my breath away. I have to admit he is really talented. And I am simply taken aback that he has so many fans in singapore. Practically everyone stood up when it was his turn to sing. Ah mei was fantastic too. Hot. haha.

Ok, anyway that should be all for my weekly update. Busy right? I am tired just simply writing on it. Ok, I have decided to take more time off for myself. I do not think I can stand it anymore. haha. Too tiring. Getting old. In the meanwhile, I am looking forward to my taiwan trip on 2nd aug. That s when my true break will come. Come august, I will have more time for myself too. No work means more time to slack.

Dear friends, if you are also living a very hectic life like me, do take some time off for yourself. Do not attemp to cramp too many things for there s only a limit we can do.

Busily trying to be free,
Agnes

P.S : Take a break.Visit my webshots website to view my photos under my links.

Tension of Opposites

2005-07-14T05:41:00.000+08:00

" Happy or Sad. Can I be both?"

Dear Mummy,

Yesterday was convocation day. My graduation which you fervently wish to go, yet can't. I remembered vividly how you told me you wanted very much to go. In an attempt to console you, I said we could always make special arrangements for you to go and in the end I just ended by shrugging it off, saying I don't really want to go anyway.

Indeed, I did not really want to go when mummy was still in bed then. I can't really find any meaning in going anyway since the person who wanted to go the most couldn't. Alas, I went yesterday mainly because I know she wanted to go. I just had to go to fulfil one of her last wishes.

I wasn't proud of myself for being able to complete my studies, many others did too. I travelled the road much travelled and graduated like the many others. What was different was that unlike many, mummy wasn't there. Studies was one of the contributing factors for my stress and withdrawal back then which ultimately clouded my vision and causing my neglect for mummy. That was the reason why I wasn't so proud of my studies. If I have a choice, I rather have mummy than being able to graduate.

Mummy, you have endured so much to bring me up, yet you could not witness the result you worked so hard for.I am sad, but I tried not to think about it. Though daddy and ah ma were there, somehow I don't feel that they really wanted to go. Maybe just because I asked them to go. Maybe I should not be so prejudiced in my thinking. Maybe they did want to go, just that they did not say it out like you did.

I felt lost today, not once but twice. I was frustrated, irritated, sad, glad, and angry. Mixed feelings I would say. Something that is getting worse, I feel. I think I am going mad soon with this whirlwind of emotions constantly chasing me. The opposites of emotions and the swings of these emotions are stifling. I have never been happier, yet I have never been sadder. I have never been more alive, yet I have never felt more like dying.

Let me just start off with today's events, just to provide a little more insights on my feelings. It started with me and daddy going to HDB to sign the new title deed. You said to me previously that we could shift out of our present house if it s a little too big for the two of us when you left. Stupidly, I went to answer, yah I have thought of it too. On recollection, I felt that was really insensitive of me to say that. Mummy, I am sorry. I should not have said that for somehow it would have meant that I had speculated your death.

Well, mummy, as far as I am concerned now, I am not going to move out of this house. It is a place that we have spent most of our time together. It is a place where you will always live. And for that, the house signifies our relationship, in the past, present and in the future.

Next, we went to PS. Now that, I am managing the finances, I realize how hard it was for you then to start writing cheques towards the end of the month. I vividly remember the last time you sat at the dining table, writing those cheques before you fell too ill to write. I took over and I was quite irritated over it. I never used to like to manage finance, but now I have to and I am beginning to like it. So here we are at PS, intending to pay our property tax cos I mistakenly thought daddy's POST was my POSB.(Just a note: in case you guys do not know there is no POST at PS). Luckily though, there was a SAM machine and I went to pay payment there.

Meanwhile, I asked daddy to stay as his leg is not well enough for him to walk long distance. By the time I was back, he was gone. I admit I took a longer time to make payment but still, he should have waited for me. I looked everywhere for him, walked at least four rounds the same area. And the worst thing was that his phone was spoilt, or we thought. This is the first time that I felt lost, and frustrated, just like a little kid lost admist the crowd and perhaps looking for something that was not there.

So I gave up in the end and sat at the place I asked him to stay,with my sored feet.We had also initially intended to repair daddy's phone but alas, it was a false alarm. Guess the phone miraculously came back to life again. And then out of nowhere, daddy came out. This time round, since the phone was ok, I told him I am going to buy presents for my friends and asked him to walk around himself and I would call him when I am ready.

Here I went, shopping alone for presents, something quite enjoyable surprisingly. Perhaps I am getting used to being alone. Perhaps I did enjoy the financial independence to a certain extent and that was most probably why I started to liking managing finances. If mummy is around, she would definitely nag me for buying so many presents. She disliked paying for stuff first on behalf of the rest cos she said in the end you will not get the $$ back.

Presents, glorious presents, wonderful presents. I bought a boundful of them. And I was really happy that I managed to buy presents that I think my friends would like.Then my dad called, called to ask if I am going back for lunch. And before I even say goodbye, or state my conclusion the line was cut off. I was irritated. And so I called back again. No answer. No answer. A hello and the line was cut off. No answer. No answer. No answer. I was fed up.

Ok, never mind. I shall continue to shop for presents and I did not let the frustration last for long. I guess the happiness of shopping for presents was much more overwhelming than the frustration. It was a great feeling carrying so many bags full of presents. Well, it was sort of like a shopping spree only that most of the stuff in the bags aren't for me. I just hope they like the presents cos each of the presents has a meaning which I shall explain in an card if I have the time.

Anyways, so in the end, daddy finally called and I finally bought all the presents and so we went home with kueh pie tie for ah ma. It was a mad rush of time after that. Lunch. Call up the insurance company for my group's travel insurance.( This time round I was irritated again, but I shadn't elaborate more, lest I irritate all of you with my numerous irritations today). Iron my heavy and wrinkled gown, my shirt and my pants. Bathe. Make up. Get ready my stuff. Go over to ah ma house to grab a bite.

Then finally I reached school and it was 4.45pm. 15 minutes before I need to be seated in and the best thing is I was not robed yet. And so I went to look for friends, engaged their help or rather my friend mummy's help to put on my gown. ( Well, if mummy was there, I am sure she would ensure that I was properly robed, checked that each strand of my hair was in place and beamed at me with a proud smile). Anyway I took a few photos and rushed down to Nanyang Auditorium where the ceremony was going to be held.

Everywhere you go, everyone you see..all of them were taking photos. Of course, I did too but mostly with my friends' cameras cos I left my camera with daddy. Well below is the only one I took with ah ma and daddy.

Maybe I will edit it one of these days and include mummy in the photos. Then it would seem that she went to. Haha. Self-denial and Self-deceiving.

Anyway the evening went on pretty ok..ily. I was zapped off to the land of Harry Potter whereby all the students were dressed in stupidly stifling and big butterful like gowns and hoods that seem like dowager head's gear in the past dynasty. The speech came, then the names, the photo taking all over again and finally the hide-and-seek again.

I merely went off to grab some food for daddy and ah ma and they were gone again. Maybe it is my fault as I did not spoke loud enough to inform them. Maybe it is just the crowd. I hate the crowd anyway. Told you I did not want to go already. The crowds always stifle me. Well, I went cos it is supposedly once in a lifetime, like marriages. ( Well, on second thoughts, nothing is ever once in a lifetime except your birth and death. You can always go for a post graduate and get married for more than once).

So here Agnes the finder started counting to 100 and went on her search again, with her sored feet. This time round, I became smarter and started calling. No answer. No answer. No answer. Walk around. Look around. Walk around. Fed up. Walk around. Look around. Fed up and threw away the food.Went out. Took off my shoes and sat down. No answer. No answer. No answer. Why won't daddy just call me if he didn't see me? So I did not give up and continued to call. No answer. No answer. No answer.Totally fed up.

K, then finally my daddy called. Found them and hooray, game over.

The only thing left to do then was to get out cos they look bored and hungry and I was irritated. We can always take photos another time. Though deep down, I did wanted to take photos with my good friends but alas, the mood was not right then. To them, I want to say sorry for my abrupt departure and sorry I did not wait for you guys. I have enough of waiting. Let's wait till the gers are back and we will go out one day and take a group photo k?

Anyway off we go, with me a speed that s faster than anyone of them. Ah ma followed and then daddy. I am sorry for walking so fast and made them follow me. I just wanted to get out cos I do not know why I am there anyway, maybe just so not to have any regrets that I did not go for this so called once in a lifetime event. Well, I regretted going anyway.

Along the way, I finally broke down. I cried. Cried without sound so that ah ma and daddy will not detect it. Alas I think they know. But still I am not going to cry openly in front of them. We ate dinner and then went home. I locked myself in mummy's room and fell asleep. And here, I am writing this entry.

My whirlwind of emotions have sort of subsided now aftering lashing all of them out here. Mummy, I am fine for now, I think. Haha. So do not worry about me k. I think I am better off alone. You asked who I will go to when I am down. I answered friends. Now, my answer will be YOU.

Sorting out myself,

Agnes

P.S: Please do not ask if I am ok or not. I heard a thousand if not a million of it. I do not know how to answer a question which I am not sure of. Even if I say I am not ok, there isn't much you can do.I know you care, but just let me be.Treat me the way you used to be, or maybe just a little nicer will do haha. Tension of opposites.

A Long List...

2005-07-09T22:45:00.000+08:00

"Be amazed by how your brain thinks and how your heart feels.."

Dear Mummy,

It has been a while since I drop by...Do you miss me? Will you forget me? Will I be the only one missing you?

Guess there will not be any replies to my questions because you are not around anymore. A fact which up till today I still try to deny sometimes.I never knew missing someone was so hard until now. But I have learnt to move on with the yearning for your presence.

It has been a week and so much has since happened. Let me just update you a little.. Work as a customer service officer has officially started and for five days this week, I talk to the computer. Emails, something which technology has bestowed on us have become my source of income. I replied to hundreds of them everyday and they are never-ending. Thus, leading to my OT.
Luckily, it is just a temporary assignment, lest I think I will either go blind one day or be stricken with serious back problem.

Personally, I could not imagine myself doing a office job for the next 30 or 40 years. Imagine having to face the computer everyday for 10 to 12 hours, I wonder how my health can take it to such radiation. I wonder what I should do...
And came an abundance of ideas..

1) I would become a photo-journalist. I would like to go around the world and take down the most beautiful sights and people. I want to express myself through the lens.

But would that be realistic? Am I capable enough to do that? How about my family if I keep travelling around? Can I adapt to new environments and new people? Hence, I have decided that photography and travel can be my interests and not my career. Having striked off this possibility, I carried on to dream about my future...

2) How about being working as a temp for a long-term basis? I mean, being a permanent temp which in short, means taking up some temporary assignments for a long long time...so that I can get to enjoy the flexiblity of such arrangements. I can work for a while, save some money and then go travelling. And when I am back, I shall do some more temp work and the cycle goes on. Such variability may just suit my personality of getting bored easily and wanting to try new things.

But would the money I earn sustain my life? Would I be able to support my family with that meagre amount of income? Would I be able to earn enough to support my interests such as photography, pets and travelling? Hence, I think this may well not be very realistic...

3) How about working from home? Start a dot.com business? But then, I have problems in thinking of what kind of business I can do online, having lack the expertise and contacts. And so that does not sound so appealing anymore.

4) I would like to do something meaningful. How about doing social work? Conselling? That would be interesting. Meeting new people, new stories everyday.

But I am afraid, I would not do a good job. Perhaps I would need to go for some formal training first. Having lack the $$ for the time being, I think it is better I find a better paying job first, before I embark on this journey of exploring human minds.

5) In the end, I came up with a great idea. Why don't I simply just combine all my ideas into one. Put all my favourite things into one idea? I shall be a social entrepreneur. I shall open a cafe, called Fav Cafe (which in a way implies all my favourite things). In this cafe, I shall make it as comfortable as possible with a nostalgic feel.

A corner will be dedicated to mummy and it will be named Mummy's corner with mummy favourite things which are bags,shoes and clothes. You can say it s sort of a retail corner.I will decorate this corner with mummy's photos and of course our family portraits etc. It is a place when I can go when I miss mummy.

For the rest of the cafe, I shall decorate them with my photos, photos which I will be taking..of people and sights. Flowers would be a must in my cafe and customers can buy the flowers if they like. Pets will be allowed into my cafe and there will be food provided for them. There will be a notice board at one corner of the cafe whereby events and activities will be publicised on the board. Events will include charitable events, sport events, travel programmes and so forth. In short, all my favourite activities will be there.

The seats will be those wooden kind whereby they can swing to and fro. Friends from all over the place can come and have their gatherings here.It will be a place to connect all and allow all to connect with new people. Once in a while, I will invite live bands to play in my cafe. The food served will be pastries,cakes,and normal beverages. And there will be a small reading corner too, for those who likes to read.

Most importantly, part of my profits will go to a charitable organisation of my choice and hence the word-social entreprenuer.I contribute back to the society which gave me so much.

This seems like the best idea I had, though it s a bit too complicated and perhaps not of a good business sense as there is no specific theme to attract the crowd. It is a wonderful dream, whether it can be realized or not.

But of course, the reality sets in too. Will I be able to have the $$ to open such a cafe? Will this cafe to able to survive? Where do I get the suppliers? etc....

Although realities often get in the ways of dreams, I believe it is the process of dreaming that can bring us the most joy. At least, you have a dream to work towards to, at least you can see something in the future and not just a normal office job.

Dear friends, dare to dream..dare to make your dream come true. At least take a step forward and think.

Dreaming and dreaming,
Agnes

P.S: " I am amazed by how my brain works.You can too."

Mummy, is that you?

2005-07-01T22:45:00.000+08:00

"The grief continues..."

Dear Mummy,

Is that you? Recently I have been seeing a lot of moths, all around me. It was said that the souls of the dead will rest in moths whereby they will fly back to visit their loved ones.Indeed, I heard stories of such cases and more than often I would shrug it off, thinking that all are mere coincidences.

However, today, I would like to take back my words. Perhaps, it is true and such incidents are not exactly coincidences. For me, I have been seeing them at the most unexpected places, at the stairways to my ah ma's house, at my office which is at 14th level and at my kitchen just now. The most bizarre incident of which was the one which happened at my kitchen. It is as if you are playing now you see it, now you don't.

I was taken aback when I went to the kitchen just now as the moth, a relatively big one just flew out of nowhere and rested on the wall. In a split second, it was gone. Deep down, somehow I felt it was mummy coming back to visit me as she knows I am not feeling good these few days.

These past few days, I have been feeling rather moody and have been constantly thinking of mummy. Tears keep welling up in my eyes and I kept swallowing them down. It was an awful feeling and the only thing that I wanted to do, was to wait for the time to go home and cry it out. Right here, right now, I am crying..and more than often, when I was writing the rest of the entries, I was tearing as well. I can't control my mind and lest my emotions. I can't stop thinking and I can't stop crying.There are times which I really feel I could not take it anymore. How I wish I could end everything.

I know I have to be strong. Many of my friends said I was strong. But then, it is not that I am strong but it is just that I have been dealt with this situation and I have no choice but to deal with it this way or that way. It is either I wallow in my despair or I just brave it through.

Having to be strong pressurizes me a lot because I have to be tough. I find it hard to tell my friends about my feelings because I don't think they can ever understand how I feel. And I do not want them to feel troubled, thinking of how to console me. And so, I speak it through here.

I am actually afraid that one day, I would just break down and sink into my own world. I do not know if I have been keeping too much to myself.I do not know how to stop my tears. Every little thing affects me.

My low self-esteem problem is coming back again. I remembered that mummy used to say I am very muddleheaded and I can't do things properly. Indeed, I do feel so too. In actual fact, I think I am quite slow in catching up with stuff. I do not know if it is a self fulfilling prophecy. I am really quite blur at times and can get easily distracted. Knowing this, I tried my best to improve but sometimes, the more pressure you feel, that more you can't do it.
I know you guys will say that, I am not and that I shouldn't feel this way.
But I have been told off too many times that I can' help but feel this way.
I just want to to let all of you know, I am trying hard to be a better person. Please give me your tolerance.

There is no one I can depend on but me myself. That is how I tell myself to be independent. Everyone has their own lifes and own personalities. Do not expect them to be always understanding to you. So no matter how unhappy I am,I am going to somehow deal with it myself. There is no choice but for me to walk down this road. Nothing is ever going to take me down!

Feeling alone,
Agnes

"Where are you, mummy?"

Money can't buy everything

2005-06-30T01:33:00.000+08:00

" Money is just a tool, an object. Never be too obessed with an item."

Dear Mummy,

I have collected my transcript and looking at the invitation cards, how I wish you could attend too. I have not been sleeping well these few days, coz I kept thinking of you. I look around and I think of you. The thoughts get worse when I have nothing to do.

Anyway I felt that I have really changed. I am no longer the lazy me you knew. I hate to be idle in actual fact and I like to keep myself occupied. But it has recently took a toll on me and I am really tired, physically.

Today, I just went to volunteer for SPCA, to help them raise funds for the animals through doing manicure for the public. There was a booth at the place and I bought quite a few stuff. And that was when I discovered I am really an impulsive buyer but only if I really like the stuff. If the money is for a worthy cause, I do not mind forking out more. At that point in time, my friends were then discussing about the meaning of money which is the topic of the day for my blog as you can see.

Money as said by my friend is a tool. It will remain as only pieces of paper if we keep them. Its main purpose is for us to buy the things we like,need and want.Its main purpose is to let us derive happiness from the things we buy. Money as stated by another friend sometime ago, is always a problem and never enough.This clearly make an impact on me as I realize we do not actually need to worry ourselves too much over money sometimes and we should definitely not be obsessed over it.

For me, I used to keep worrying that money will run out one day and I tend not to buy many things, or maybe as compared to now. For me now, after so much has happened, a new perspective has emerged. I believed that as long as you know your financial limit and do not overspend, it is fine to buy all the things you like. Just earn it back after that!! Personally, I am not really into brands and cannot understand why people could spend a few thousands on a bag. I would rather donate more to charity, to people who needs the money more.

We are living in a society that emphasize too much on image and status. The culture has made us into what we are today. I have to admit, I am a victim of this as well but I try to create a culture of my own which is compassion.
(I sound like Morrie. If you have read Tuesdays with Morrie, you will know what I am talking about). I do what I can for those who need help for that is really true happiness. It is not the money but the compassion that you show to those who need it that makes you really happy.

Mummy, I hope to become a more regular volunteer at SPCA and perhaps one day bring back Momo and Bobo home. These are the names for my future pets. Let's wait till I am more finanically independent. Pets are a life long commitment and I want to be sure that I can take care of them before I bring them home.Hopefully they will be my companions when I am lonely.

An interesting thought came over me today when I saw strings of people stroking a puppy golden retriever at the event place. I am one of them and suddenly a thought came by me. Do the animals like to be touched and very frequently as well? I imagined myself being the golden retriever and my answer to the question is no. Haha. But I guess it did not really hate people stroking her, because apparently she did not resist. Sometimes, I really do wonder whether animals have their own thinking and feelings, just like some of the shows.
Anyway same for the animals, do not think that material goods will make them complete. I think they need the same thing as all human beings, and that is compassion.

Enjoying every moment in life,
Agnes

"Money can't buy everything and definitely not love."

Advertisement!

2005-06-27T02:28:00.000+08:00

Hey guys,

forgot to inform you guys that I have recently just set up an yahoo online auction. The address is http://user.auctions.shopping.yahoo.com/sg/user/agnestan99.

Feel free to visit the website once in a while and see if there is anything that you may have a liking for. Mostly what I am selling are bags and purses. For my friends, there would be special discounts hehe..so don't miss the chance of getting something you really like at a very cheap price. It is not actually about the amount of $$ but the fact that I do not want to see those stuff go to waste as no one is currently using them.

Spread the word around!

Cheerios,
Agnes

A Day of Insights

2005-06-27T01:25:00.000+08:00

" There is something to learn everyday if only we pay attention to our surroundings."

Dear Friends,

Yesterday was an insightful day...right from the start of the day. It was a pretty long day for me as well. I wish to share what I have learnt to all of you out there, and hopefully you care enough to read on.

Starting from the morning...I went to a job agency. The person there was pretty insensitive and said some really hurtful things. What a way to start a a wonderful day. It started when she asked me about mummy. And I replied that she passed away. Then she asked for the cause and I said breast cancer. Her insensitive comment was, " You know, breast cancer could actually be prevented......Silly." It was the last word that really angered me. Who was she to say that mummy was silly to have not treated cancer earlier. Can she understand the pain that mummy has to go through alone, not knowing what to do with her illness?

At that point in time, I was already trying to control my tears from falling. If not for the tears, I would have scolded her..or maybe I won't since I am not used to scolding people. She then proceeded on to ask for mummy's age. And I said 56. Then came another insensitive comment, " That was really young".
Those comments were like knives stabbing into my heart and I was having a really bad impression of her. Trust her to be a recruitment personnel, having to deal with people but to be so insensitive with her words. I know that cancer could be prevented, and I don't need you to remind me.

What's the point of telling me this, when mummy was already dead? Age, who are we to determine what s a young age and what s an old age? Life is measure not by the number of years but by the quality of time spent on earth. But perhaps I am still pretty affected by the number of our age as it is a reminder of the things that I could have done with mummy if given more time.

The lesson learnt here, guys... is to think before you talk. Every word you say make an impact on another person. Just like when I think back, I discovered that I said some pretty insensitive words to mummy and regretted saying them. It is a difficult but essentail skill to learn how to speak tactfully.

Though I was still pretty much affected by the earlier incident, I told myself I was not going to let that ruin my day. Our reactions determine what would happen, and thus I tell myself it was going to be a good day. If I would to be trapped in the incident, the rest of the day would be ruined. So guys, never tell yourself today is a bad day, when it is just in the morning. Though a few unlucky things may have happened, it does not necessarily imply that the rest of the day would be bad too.

And so with that, I headed to sentosa for an charity event whereby beneficiaries from all over Singapore come together to break the world record of the longest popiah! It was fun, making the popiah together with so many others.
Thereafter, activities such as games for the young and the elderly were carried out. It was sort of a relay match whereby the young will go and collect the jigsaw puzzles and the elderly will try to piece the pieces together. Me and my friends happen to stop by a table and decided to help the elderly over there. Unlucky for us, we happened to choose the hardest puzzle of the day. The elderly was fed up in the midst of doing the puzzle, having spent so much time yet with no results. I can definitely understand their frustration. Thus,being the energetic us, we continued to try our best, not willing to give up and most importantly to present the final picture to the elderly as we know that they would be happy being able to see the work done. While trying to piece up the puzzle, I chatted with some of the elderly and they were really quite nice and friendly.

My greatest joy was when I managed to make them laugh. It was a nice feeling knowing that you can bring joy to those around you. In the end, we still could not finish the puzzle. We have tried our best and sad to say, the outcome is not for us to decide. I think some of the pieces were lost.The lesson here guys, is that, when people around you are happy, you will automatically feel happy too. If it just takes a little effort to make someone's day a better one, why not?
Giving up in life is not an option but a choice we decide. For us, we did not give up until the very last. This should be the way life should be. Even we do not even try, we are giving up the only chance we could have. However, sometimes life does not always turn out the way we want it to be, so be smart and know when to stop after trying our very best.

After that, I went home and prepared some gifts to give my friend who was in a depression. I decided that, I wanted to do something for her even it is not something that fantastic. So the flowers came, and the chocolates too.I passed her the book, "Tuesdays with Morrie" too, which hopefully can give her some directions in life. I did not get to see her though for she was not in her room. Actually I did not intend to meet her that day, fearing that I may say the wrong words for I know how the wrong words could affect a person after having experience it in the morning. I just wanted to do something for her. And when she s feeling better and I am more prepared to meet her, I would want to share with her my stories.

For now, I would just share it with you guys first. For me, I used to have mild depression these past few years, having the root of the problem with my self-esteem. With things start to pile up, I will get stressful and I tend to procrastinate. When I am in a new environment and I cant get used to it, I will tend to hide myself. My only way to run away from my depression was to sleep. That is the only place where I can seek refugee in. I live in my own world and I was not happy. And I have to admit that, I thought of suicide too. Fortunately, there is mummy around, always there whenever I need her. Though I do not think that she knows I am depressed, she would just be there for me. Now that she s gone, I tell myself that I must not fall into the realm of depression again. I must be independent, emotionally. A second in depression would mean a second less of happiness. I do not know when life is going to be taken away from me, and so I rather try to be happy till the day I leave.

So guys, depression is nothing to be ashamed of. I am sure each one of us have their fair share of depression. For me, I am lucky that, I could just suddenly awake from my depression. For some others, it is much more serious. But all of us can defeat it by believing that it is only a phase in life and that life can be good too. Problems are always there. We could only try to solve them. Sharing your problems would be a good way to lessen the burden of the pain of the problems. Though I am still sad and that there are times when it still hurts badly, I can proudly say that everyday to me is a gift and I am really happy to be alive.

Later in the evening, I went for a ktv session with my friends. I did not hear my phone ringing and had 14 missed calls from daddy. I guessed I forgot to inform him that I would be home late and that caused quite a panic in him. I' m sorry daddy. I am still not used to informing him about my whereabouts, having used to only tell mummy. It was then I realized that nothing is ever going to be the same and I have to get used to my new lifestyle. Change is a constant and it is something I must embrace to live on happily.

And so friends, what are the lessons which you have learnt today?

Gaining wisdom everyday,
Agnes

Quick updates

2005-06-24T01:52:00.000+08:00

Dear Mummy,

I think I have been neglecting you, having dedicated my last few entries to my friends.

Anyway it is just a quick update on my side to tell you about the recent happenings around here.

News Bulletin:

1) Michelle (my cousin) might be getting married soon as she has already applied for a flat with her boyfriend.

2) Daddy sprained his left knee and I think it hurts a great deal. But do not worry, I will take care of him just like the way I have taken care of you. Hopefully he will get well soon and there will be no repercussion from this sprain.

3) Lao Ee ( my ah ma's elder sister) is currently staying in ang mo kio hospital due to an injured hip. (P.S: For all those who have elderly living with them, do take good care of them lest they fall and injure themselves. For the elderly, a fall can be very detrimental to their health. And if this really happens and he/she refuse to see the doctor, pls by hook or crook, send them to the doctors for a checkup. It is for their own good.)

4) For me, I have been shopping a lot ( must have inherited your shopping skills) and going out a lot. But I will be starting work soon (temp) next tuesday. Time to earn some and spend less.

5) Lastly, I will be visting you next monday at Choa Chu Kang, after collecting my transcript for my results. You had always nag me previously to print the online results and yes, I have printed.

K, that s all, mummy.

Love you,
Agnes

What you rather not say, or do not know how to say

2005-06-24T00:45:00.000+08:00

" Sometimes, it is the words that you rather not say or do not know to say that matters the most."

Dear Friends,

Taboo subjects such as death and love are topics which we are not very used to saying in our daily lifes, especially in this conservative society of ours. Either you do not know how to approach the subjects or you rather not say them out, just to play it on the safe side lest the awkwardness.

I have been reading this book entitled ": How to survive the loss of a parent" by Lois F. Akner, C.S.W with Catherine Whitney. It is a great book and has been my guide for coping with mummy's death. It is hard to find a support group in singapore who discusses about death openly or maybe I am just ignorant..hehe. This book has been like my support group whereby people from all walks of life share their loss with one another. It makes you feel that you are not alone and things like this always happen. It is just that you may have not experience one close to you yet.

Since it has happened to me, I thought of sharing some of my thoughts on death. Before all these had happened, I read an another great book entitled, " Tuesdays with Morrie" by Mitch Albom. It is about a living person who is on his journey to death, sharing his life moments with his previous student( Mitch, who is the author of this book). This story touched me a lot to the extent that I just felt that I knew Morrie from this book. His insights on death were great. But apparently, being touched doesn't necessarily translate in actions, something which I have talked about in my previous entry. You can know a lot in life, but if you just do not do it, it will just remain as knowledge and nothing else. Well, that happens to me. And I hope it is not too late for you to translate your knowlegde into actions. Since you know regrets are everlasting, why do things that will make you have regrets?

Morrie said," Once you learn how to die, you learn how to live". This happens to be a favourite line of my friend, someone who has been very supportive of me throughout this period and if you are reading this, you should know who I am talking about. This is a quote which I like very much as well. It is only now that I can truly apprehend the meaning behind the quote. Knowing life is really unpredictible and that death can strike me even at such a young age, I am beginning to take more responsiblity for my own life. There are so many things that I want to do and I hope that one day I can fulfill all of them. Even if I can't, the process of walking towards them is already a joy. At least I try.

Anyway I am planning to set up a Morriean Club which will be a forum for all to discuss about the teachings of Morrie from his book. For all those who loves Morrie as I do, do stay tune for the club. (P.S : I am not mad over Morrie, just that I thought what he said really made a lot of sense). But that would have to wait for awhile because I am still trying to figure out how to use dreamweaver.

Well, back to the topic of taboo subjects.. I would like to share with you guys my idea of death. I read...(yes.. I have been reading a lot.) somewhere that, it is not death that s scary but what precedes it. I agree! Death is purely a moment of release of the soul from the body. Whereas for those in sickness, what precedes death is the pain. No one can imagine how painful is the pain unless you have been through it. And so that s why, to all of you out there, do take care of your health and for all those who are smoking, pls quit for you are just throwing your life away slowly which is equivalent to gradual suicide.

There have been a lot of sayings about what happens after death. Some say the souls would reside in insects' bodies, especially butterflies and moths. And coincidentally, I happen to see a lot of them after mummy died. Are those butterflies messengers from mummy to see if I am alright? Or is it just a pure coincidence? I have no answer for it. Others say that the souls go to heaven while a few others say that the souls still live on in this world.

For me, I believe that the good souls go heaven whereas the not so good souls go to hell. When I was young, I thought that those who were buried in the soil will go to hell for it is like deep below and hence I associate it to hell. For those who were cremate, I thought they will go to heaven and so their ashes will fly up to the sky..to the heaven of course. And that is probably why, I love the sky so much. I have a dream, and the dream is to become an angel someday. I just love angels so much, without any reason. So for that, I believe that mummy has gone to the heaven, becoming one of the guardian angels of mine whom I will meet one day.

There is no right or wrong answer for this and no one could possibly know for sure what happens after death. And so I would like to pose a question to all of you out there. What do you think about death? And what do you think happens after death? I hope to see a lively discussion on this for death is not something to be kept secretly in dark for it happens to all of us someday, whether you want it or not.

Living and dying at the same time,
Agnes

" Saying it out makes everything much clearer. Trust me."

If only...

2005-06-21T23:35:00.000+08:00

" If only we have done this..If only we could have done that... If only...If only....."

Dear Friends,

Today, I am going to talk about regrets, the source of grief. I wish I have driven earlier so that I could have driven mummy around.. I wish muumy could have attended my convocation so that she could feel proud of me ..I wish I could have done more things for mummy so that I could show her how much I love her..I wish mummy could have seen me gotten married so that she could see for herself that I am well taken care for.. I wish that I could have started working earlier so that mummy could have enjoyed her retirement... I wish.. I wish...and I know they are all her wishes for she has said them to me.

I had so many things that I plan to do in the future when mummy was still around. Things that I could do never do now...If only I could turn back time and paid more attention to her, perhaps she would still be around now.But I know I can't and that s where regrets set in.

Perhaps friends, you would already have heard a million stories about regrets, about living your life to the fullest, about living for the moment etc. So have I ,before mummy left. Truthfully, knowing and doing what you preach are two totally different things. You may know that you should live well for life is short but nothing beats than having personally experience regrets. I used to think, why me? And I finally gotten an answer and that s to make me grow. I am too 'into' my own world that although I know all about living well, I was not doing it. Seriously, it doesnt really matter whether you know it or not, what matters is whether you are doing it or not.

Life has taught me a great lesson and I am not letting to let it go in vain. So I am sharing this with all of you, hoping that you could perhaps have one less regret in life and that s to treat your family members and friends right, especially your parents. You owe your life to them and it is only right you dedicate your life to them in whichever way you can. Spend a little bit more time with them. Perhaps time is what they want and not material goods. I have the blessing of having both emotional and material gifts given by my parents. And I am glad, I did spent a substantial time with mummy. I could not give her any material stuff when she was still around but I gave her my time and attention as much as I could. I enjoyed her company and I know she did.

Dear Mummy, I will fulfil all the wishes that you had told me and I will take good care of myself and daddy too. Don't worry, I will get married and I will drive. I will go for convocation too. I will find myself a good job and I will be happy.

"Don't allow too many if only(s) in your life, otherwise you may just one day doubt the mere presence of yourself."

Never regretting to be alive,
Agnes

Ties that Bind

2005-06-20T00:02:00.000+08:00

"The strongest ties on earth are that of a family love."

Dear Mummy,

How have you been? Just a little quick update on the happenings in my life lately, just in case you feel a bit out of touch.

Well, today we celebrated father's day with Uncle Peter's family and Ah ma. The kids get to pay finally! And it is a great feeling to do just a little something for those you care, though it was just a simple dinner. It has been a while since all of us had gotten out for a dinner together.

[To my friends:Remember my last entry? I mentioned about creating new relationships of similar intensity? Mummy's departure had opened a whole new outlook for me. Past relationships with my cousins that was lost, are gradually coming back again. It was then I realized that family ties are truly important. They will always be there, no matter what.Don't you agree?]

Mummy, mummy, mummy...Lately, I miss calling you this and well, I could only do it here. Never did I realize hearing others calling mummy could invoke such huge emotions in me. Emotions of grief and regret overwhelm me. And I really still miss you a lot. I would not attempt to control my grief but to let it subside by itself for I know that to be detached from the emotion I must fully experience it first. {For those who know Morrie, you should know this}. Mourning for you does not necessarily mean that I am not getting on with my life.

To show you that I am getting on pretty fine, I shall let in you on my plans for the next few months. Currently, I am taking a break. I am also making an effort to maintain my relationships with everyone I love and hopefully treasure them in whichever way I can. This effort includes going out for shopping,tea, swimming,tennis, tanning, buffet, drinking,blogging and ktv.

[To my friends: if you ever feel sad over something, pls go and sing! It is a great way to release your emotions. Just warn your friends that are going with you, to bring along their earplugs =p ]

Moving on, next month I will be starting on a temp job with liying at NTUC link to earn some money for my taiwan trip. Yep, that s right, mummy.. I am going taiwan on a free and easy trip to meet huiling and yiqian, along with some others. And so after that, I plan to start work seriously so that I can finally be financially independent. There is simply too many things I want to do that need money to be accomplished. Money is only a tool and never a goal. Poor us, we have no choice but to earn to realize our dreams. Hopefully I get my dream job with a purpose so that working may not seem to be so dreadful afterall.

One of my dreams is to learn photography and take numerous and numerous photos. Mummy, I have an idea. I am thinking of taking photos of all the places we have been and name it '' Then and Now''. I think it s pretty cool, don't you think so? But before that, I have to earn first.(money again). It is an expensive hobby. But money can't buy memories and the moments can only be captured through the lense. For someone as 'senile' as me, I guess photography is a good way for me to remember everything.

Oh yah, I would love to rear a dog and a cat. Sounds ridiculous? No, it isnt. Wouldnt it be nice if a dog and a cat can live together harmoniously? Well, it is just a dream of mine that I hope I can realize it one day...when I have the money to keep them. See, you need money again, haha.Ok, ok..Money is always a problem so don't bother yourself too much with it. (This is what I always tell myself )

[Ermm...it s getting a bit long ah..guess it is time for a break.So it is advertisement time! Speaking of cats and dogs, Healing Paws will be organising a charity manicure event in aid of SPCA. Date and venue will be at heeren on the 29th and 30th june, whole day. Nice and friendly manicurists (I will be one of them hehe) will be helping the girls look pretty with nicely painted nails. So come down and do a part for the homeless animals! Tell that to your friends too!]

Back to my dreams, I hope to study pyschology and understand the workings of the human mind. First and foremost, I want to understand myself. It is the same as if you want to love others, love yourself first.I truly believe that the ties that bind everyone together are love, understanding and acceptance.
" There is no strangers on earth, just friends that you have not met." How true it is, if only we can base our relationships on love,the most fundamental element in relationships.

So for all those who have read my blog, I thank you for wanting to know my feelings and for wanting to share your time with me. I want to thank those who have cared enough to leave a comment and for those who have accompanied me throughout this period. Friendship is all about sharing, so for all those who have anything else that you have to share with me, feel free to drop in a comment. I would be most willing to listen and share with you my thoughts.

Perhaps, I should change my quote at the start to "The strongest ties on earth are those of a family love for all those who care and share are family. And so that includes you too."

Sharing and loving you,
Agnes

The Little Things in Life

2005-06-19T00:35:00.000+08:00

"When was the last time you stop and look at the sky, smell the flowers, listen to the rain, taste the water and feel the wind?"

Dear Friends,

Life can be very simple, if only you see it that way. Blessed are we not, to be alive. You may think that being able to walk is what you are entitled to. But have you ever imagined what would happen if this so called entitlement is taken away from you one day?

I have never thought much about this until the day mummy was bedridden. A wise man once said, " Once you are in bed, you are dead." How true it is, for you lose almost all the abilities to do things by yourself once you are trapped in the bed. Your life will be restricted to only this bed unless people bring you around in the wheelchair.

I can vividly remember that mummy said that if she could not walk, she would rather die. I bet you can imagine how much she dreaded relying on other people.Having being able to take care of herself for almost 50 decades, everything was taken away from her just like that. From a toddler to an adult, she has once again reverted back to a child, needing the care of other people. Isn't life amazing? It is simply just a cycle that we could not escape.

I wish mummy was less depressed and could have better accept the conditions things were then. Sometimes, we just could not fight fate. So if we can't change what was besotted to us, why not just relish in the simplicity of events? Rather than focusing on what was taken away from us, why not concentrate on the things that we still have?

Today, I went for a night trek in aid of a charity event and simply was really grateful to be able to walk, breathe in the night air, see the stars and feel the wind. The sunset was beautiful but it was short. I knew I could not keep it there foreve and thus just enjoyed its presence at that moment.

Though mummy was taken away from me, I am thankful that daddy is still around.Though mummy could not longer talk to me, I am thankful that I still have my friends. Though mummy can never be replaced, new relationships of similar intensity can be built and I am thankful for all these...

My friends, nothing is ever an entitlement and all are gifts to us. Never think that nothing will be taken away from you because the gifts are only our temporary possessions. Treasure them while you still have them and share these gifts with those who may not have them for happiness can only be multiplied through giving.

So, shall we take a moment of silence, stop what we are doing now and look at what we have been given. You may just realize you are the most fortunate person around with all the little things in life.

Hugs,
Agnes

Only you

2005-06-14T01:22:00.000+08:00

"There could be a million of people around you but somehow, you are still alone.."
Agnes

I guess I better blog first before all my ideas and emotions disappear..the revamp of my blog site will take time..So in the meanwhile I shall just blog as per normal and hopefully not as boring..

Dear Mummy,

There isn't any moment that I am not thinking of you...Sometimes I just wish this is a bad dream and I will wake up one day and see you there just the way you used to be.I know I shouldnt be deceiving myself and I should just accept the fact that you are gone and you will never come back,at least not physically.

That day, I went shopping and engaged myself in some retail therapy.The sale was really crazy. It s called the midnight madness sale at Suntec. You would be delighted to know that there s such a thing since you loved shopping so much, but maybe not so as I know you don't really like crowds.

I was in a total shock when I went into Charles and Keith. It was like a market place with people squeezing and shouting non-stop.Everywhere there is people, and almost all the time I think of you. I think of all the things we had done before and all the things which we chould have done together. I remembered all the shopping we have done and all the pampering you had showered me by buying almost everything I wanted.

It was then I felt really alone because nobody will treat me the way you treated me. Unconditional Love. Though there were so many people around me, I still felt alone. But luckily there s still liying around. You told her to take care of me. And she did and so did many of my friends and family. So don't worry about me. I am in safe hands.

Alone as I may be, emotionally...I try to be around people and occupy myself with things to do. It is my way of making better use of my time instead of keeping myself deeply ingrained with grief.I don't really think anyone can really understand the way I am feeling right now and so I try not to bother them with my emotions, at least not all the time. I know they all meant well and I am really grateful to them for being there. But somehow, it s still something I have to get over it myself.

By getting over, I do not mean to forget you , mummy. You will always be in my heart but hopefully the sadness will slowly go away with time. They say that time will heal all wounds. I say time will still leave a scar.I do expect to get well totally as I know I cant possibly forget you. You are a part of me, and you always will be.

You can be alone, yet not lonely. I know I will not be lonely because you are still here, just that you are here in a different way.

"There could be a million people around you but somehow you are still alone.What matters is not the number of people, but someone like you who cares."

Always on my mind,
Agnes

P.S : The retail therapy did work to a certain extent, but not for long. It distracted me for a while. But if you were around, I am sure you would surely scold me for spluring my money like that. Just this once, mummy. I promise I would try to curb my spending habits. I simply realize that there would not be anyone like you footing the bills for me anytime soon and so I just thought that I should start being independent and foot my own bills though not all with my own money..hehe..*sheepish grin*.. Next time, I will earn for my own spending.

Procrastination

2005-06-10T00:43:00.000+08:00

"If you are always behind, you never really get anywhere."
Murray Martin (Age: 75)
@What 's Worth Knowing by Wendy Lustbader

Let me just share with you the story behind this quote so that you might understand better the meaning behind this quote.

So here it goes.. Let's hear what Murray has to say:

"You can spend your whole life putting things off. I didn't face up to this until I was an old man.Can you imagine? I waited till I was in my seventies.At work, I was famous for getting to meetings at least a half hour late and turning in my paperwork after it had started turning yellow.The bosses put up with me, but I never get promoted.

Work is work, whether you get it done now, next week, or next month.The job still has to be done, so you might as well do it now. If you're smart, you'll get it done early and it will be off your back that much sooner.

You know what cured me?Last year,my best friend was in hospital.Did I go visit him? No, I put it off.Then he died. Before I got there, he was gone. That was it. I had enough with procrastination.Now whenever I go somewhere, I get there early. I take the bus before the last bus. I never wait until the last minute with anything. I take care of business, one, two, three. I can hardly believe this is me. I would have gone far in life if I had figured this out sooner."

Dear Friends,

This is a really good book whereby the wiser people share their life experiences.And Murray's story is just one of them. So my dear friends, all I can say is try not to procrastinate because you might not have a chance like Murray to save himself from procrastination before it s really too late.

Personally, there s so many things that I wanna do but there s simply too little time for me to accomplish all of them.I am caught in the dilemma of squeezing everything all at once and taking things slowly. Both have its pros and cons and my mind is just too overwhelmed with stuff that I wanna do before it s too late.I dun wan to regret it only when I am old. But somehow, when you squeeze so many things together, you will tend to lose your focus and priorities.

I guess we all have the same amount of time.It s just a matter of how we balance everything; family, job,relationships and interest etc. Sometimes maybe procrastination might not be a bad thing afterall and you don't have to push yourself that hard. Gauge your own abilities and do what you can.Planning is the way to go as "once you fail to plan,you plan to fail". Keep everything in track and once in a while let a surprise light up your life.

Wishing you all the best in life,
Agnes

P.S : I know I can get a bit long-winded and my blog is kinda of boring. If you have read till this part, I am really grateful.For the benefit of my readers, I promise to make my blog a more exciting site with photos, links and tips.Let's just hope this will not become a procrastination, hopefully having learnt the lesson from Murray.

The True Meaning of Love

2005-06-08T02:01:00.000+08:00

"The true meaning of love is not to possess but to let go...."

-Agnes-

Dear Mummy,

Ever since you have left me, there is a question that keep bugging me. Everyday I search for an answer but all I get is silence.How I wish I could see you again, touch you just once more and to ask you..... "How are you now??"

I guess you would most probably be much better off in heaven than on earth as there would be no suffering. Seeing in pain hurts me so much that somehow I am glad you have been relieved of the pain.I realized that the true meaning of love is really not to possess you but to let you go...to a better place.

"I love you", these three words are definitely not easy to say it out, especially coming from me but I am glad that I did say those three words out before you left.I wondered if you have heard me. But somehow I know you knew even if I did not say them out as my actions have said it all.

Love as I have discovered, is the most sincere through touch.Such physical affection conquers all. I would always remember the little squeezing of our hands when you are in bed, my gentle stroke of your forehead,my little act of closing your slightly opened right eyelid, and my goodnight hug to you.

Whereas, your love is shown through your silent endurance.You did not want us to worry and so you took on the mighty task of enduring the pain and fear of the disease alone.You left us so soon because you do not want to be a burden to me and daddy.And I know the reason behind all these is due to your love for us.

However, I had to disagree with your way of showing your love.Keeping silent is by far not a good way of showing your love. Communication is. Love is kept alive through communication, be it verbally or non-verbally.Do you know that it hurts me badly everytime I know that early detection for your disease is guaranteed an almost 100 percent cure? The words, " if only I knew earlier" haunt me everyday.

But, mummy, please do not misunderstand me. I do not mean to blame you for I know the reason you kept silent.I just want to let the rest know that if you have a problem, please do not keep it to yourself. Share with those you love and trust. I am pretty sure they would want to know what s bothering you. Trust me, being able to share the problems of your loved one is definitely one of the greatest joy. Please do not wait till it s too late. Time waits for nobody. But love conquers all.

And so my friends, what s the true meaning of love for you?

Missing you so very much,

Agnes

2005-06-07T01:17:00.000+08:00

My family portrait..only now did I realize how much I look like my mum

Foreword: Things that I thought you guys would want to know

2005-06-07T00:38:00.000+08:00

Before I continue, I thought I should just say a few words, or mabbe more than a few words to explain the motivation and purpose of my blog. Firstly, this blog is especially dedicated to my beloved mummy who has recently left this world as you would have already known if you have read my first entry.

Ever since she was diagnosed with cancer, I had this idea of sharing my life with her through blogging when the time came that she had to leave me. I would think that she would pretty much want to know what has happened to me since she left and I thought that writing my thoughts online would be a pretty good way to tell her everything.

Though she might not understand English very well, I am sure that my thoughts transcend all languages and she somehow would know.Not only do I hope that my message can reach her, I also wish to share my little wisdom which I have gathered from this experience, to all of you out there. Hopefully, it will make a difference in the way you view things and people around you.

Lastly, thanks for reading!

P.S: Pardon me if my language is not up to your standard. You can't expect much from a person who has gotten a C5 for her GP ^__^. But you can expect her to gradually improve. So feel free to leave any comments on anything. I would love to share your thoughts.

2005-06-07T00:19:00.000+08:00

With her cousin and good friend, Ah Choo

2005-06-07T00:17:00.000+08:00

Pretending to be hard at work..=P

2005-06-07T00:13:00.000+08:00

Her old workplace..at a pertroleum station if I m not wrong

Eulogy:The Final Journey, The Final Words

2005-06-04T20:59:00.000+08:00

"All endings are also beginnings.
We just don't know it at the time..."

Mitch Albom@ the five people you meet in heaven

It s weird to start a blog with an ending, an ending to life-an eulogy. Alas an ending is purely just the start of a whole new beginning. Life is a continous cycle.You will never know when it starts, nor will you know when it will end. For my mum, it ended on a peaceful Sunday morning when a brand new day awaits the rest of the world.

Eulogy: The Final Journey, The Final Words

Dear Mummy,

You.The one I love the most. The one who I know that loves me back with the same intensity if not more. I love you, Mummy more than words can say.

Being on the last journey with you was one of the most memorable period of my life.It is such a life changing experience that my life is never ever gonna be the same again.Taking care of you has never been a chore, I swear though I know you blame yourself for being a burden to us.I am really thankful that I had a chance to take care of you, a duty which I should have done more.

It has been exactly two weeks since we have said goodbye and I miss you terribly every moment since then.I used to think that I had long forgotten many things. Never did I know that they are just hidden deep inside my mind. With your departure, the memories are unlocked and they overwhelm me to the point of suffocation.

Your ever giving love towards me is a gift which I will never forget. To you, I know I am your everything. But I bet you never know that you are my everything too. And that s the reason why I can't help crying even when I know I shouldn't.

Your final words to me were, " Do not cry" and I know you meant to tell me to be strong. Now, I am telling you that, " I will be strong and I will be living well not only for my own sake but for you and for those around me who I love dearly as well." Gone will be the thoughts of dying when you were not around for I know the sorrow of the departure of a loved one and I would never want to inflict this kind of sorrow on those still around.

You made me realize that life's really short, and sometimes I really wish mine was as short too so that I could meet you then in the other world. However, I know I shouldn't think this way. Somehow, someday, somewhere I know I would see you again and goodbye would just seem to be like yesterday.

And so before I see you again, I will be making the most of my life, making sure that I will fulfil all those things that you would have wanted me to do and most importantly keeping you deep inside my heart. Your love, generosity, determination and strength will continoue to live in me.

I know, you will definitely be one of the five people I will meet in heaven for you have made a difference in my life. I am everything I am because you love me. Thanks, Mummy.

Till we meet again,
Agnes