" Money is just a tool, an object. Never be too obessed with an item."
Dear Mummy,
I have collected my transcript and looking at the invitation cards, how I wish you could attend too. I have not been sleeping well these few days, coz I kept thinking of you. I look around and I think of you. The thoughts get worse when I have nothing to do.
Anyway I felt that I have really changed. I am no longer the lazy me you knew. I hate to be idle in actual fact and I like to keep myself occupied. But it has recently took a toll on me and I am really tired, physically.
Today, I just went to volunteer for SPCA, to help them raise funds for the animals through doing manicure for the public. There was a booth at the place and I bought quite a few stuff. And that was when I discovered I am really an impulsive buyer but only if I really like the stuff. If the money is for a worthy cause, I do not mind forking out more. At that point in time, my friends were then discussing about the meaning of money which is the topic of the day for my blog as you can see.
Money as said by my friend is a tool. It will remain as only pieces of paper if we keep them. Its main purpose is for us to buy the things we like,need and want.Its main purpose is to let us derive happiness from the things we buy. Money as stated by another friend sometime ago, is always a problem and never enough.This clearly make an impact on me as I realize we do not actually need to worry ourselves too much over money sometimes and we should definitely not be obsessed over it.
For me, I used to keep worrying that money will run out one day and I tend not to buy many things, or maybe as compared to now. For me now, after so much has happened, a new perspective has emerged. I believed that as long as you know your financial limit and do not overspend, it is fine to buy all the things you like. Just earn it back after that!! Personally, I am not really into brands and cannot understand why people could spend a few thousands on a bag. I would rather donate more to charity, to people who needs the money more.
We are living in a society that emphasize too much on image and status. The culture has made us into what we are today. I have to admit, I am a victim of this as well but I try to create a culture of my own which is compassion.
(I sound like Morrie. If you have read Tuesdays with Morrie, you will know what I am talking about). I do what I can for those who need help for that is really true happiness. It is not the money but the compassion that you show to those who need it that makes you really happy.
Mummy, I hope to become a more regular volunteer at SPCA and perhaps one day bring back Momo and Bobo home. These are the names for my future pets. Let's wait till I am more finanically independent. Pets are a life long commitment and I want to be sure that I can take care of them before I bring them home.Hopefully they will be my companions when I am lonely.
An interesting thought came over me today when I saw strings of people stroking a puppy golden retriever at the event place. I am one of them and suddenly a thought came by me. Do the animals like to be touched and very frequently as well? I imagined myself being the golden retriever and my answer to the question is no. Haha. But I guess it did not really hate people stroking her, because apparently she did not resist. Sometimes, I really do wonder whether animals have their own thinking and feelings, just like some of the shows.
Anyway same for the animals, do not think that material goods will make them complete. I think they need the same thing as all human beings, and that is compassion.
Enjoying every moment in life,
Agnes
"Money can't buy everything and definitely not love."
Thursday, June 30, 2005
Monday, June 27, 2005
Advertisement!
Hey guys,
forgot to inform you guys that I have recently just set up an yahoo online auction. The address is http://user.auctions.shopping.yahoo.com/sg/user/agnestan99.
Feel free to visit the website once in a while and see if there is anything that you may have a liking for. Mostly what I am selling are bags and purses. For my friends, there would be special discounts hehe..so don't miss the chance of getting something you really like at a very cheap price. It is not actually about the amount of $$ but the fact that I do not want to see those stuff go to waste as no one is currently using them.
Spread the word around!
Cheerios,
Agnes
forgot to inform you guys that I have recently just set up an yahoo online auction. The address is http://user.auctions.shopping.yahoo.com/sg/user/agnestan99.
Feel free to visit the website once in a while and see if there is anything that you may have a liking for. Mostly what I am selling are bags and purses. For my friends, there would be special discounts hehe..so don't miss the chance of getting something you really like at a very cheap price. It is not actually about the amount of $$ but the fact that I do not want to see those stuff go to waste as no one is currently using them.
Spread the word around!
Cheerios,
Agnes
A Day of Insights
" There is something to learn everyday if only we pay attention to our surroundings."
Dear Friends,
Yesterday was an insightful day...right from the start of the day. It was a pretty long day for me as well. I wish to share what I have learnt to all of you out there, and hopefully you care enough to read on.
Starting from the morning...I went to a job agency. The person there was pretty insensitive and said some really hurtful things. What a way to start a a wonderful day. It started when she asked me about mummy. And I replied that she passed away. Then she asked for the cause and I said breast cancer. Her insensitive comment was, " You know, breast cancer could actually be prevented......Silly." It was the last word that really angered me. Who was she to say that mummy was silly to have not treated cancer earlier. Can she understand the pain that mummy has to go through alone, not knowing what to do with her illness?
At that point in time, I was already trying to control my tears from falling. If not for the tears, I would have scolded her..or maybe I won't since I am not used to scolding people. She then proceeded on to ask for mummy's age. And I said 56. Then came another insensitive comment, " That was really young".
Those comments were like knives stabbing into my heart and I was having a really bad impression of her. Trust her to be a recruitment personnel, having to deal with people but to be so insensitive with her words. I know that cancer could be prevented, and I don't need you to remind me.
What's the point of telling me this, when mummy was already dead? Age, who are we to determine what s a young age and what s an old age? Life is measure not by the number of years but by the quality of time spent on earth. But perhaps I am still pretty affected by the number of our age as it is a reminder of the things that I could have done with mummy if given more time.
The lesson learnt here, guys... is to think before you talk. Every word you say make an impact on another person. Just like when I think back, I discovered that I said some pretty insensitive words to mummy and regretted saying them. It is a difficult but essentail skill to learn how to speak tactfully.
Though I was still pretty much affected by the earlier incident, I told myself I was not going to let that ruin my day. Our reactions determine what would happen, and thus I tell myself it was going to be a good day. If I would to be trapped in the incident, the rest of the day would be ruined. So guys, never tell yourself today is a bad day, when it is just in the morning. Though a few unlucky things may have happened, it does not necessarily imply that the rest of the day would be bad too.
And so with that, I headed to sentosa for an charity event whereby beneficiaries from all over Singapore come together to break the world record of the longest popiah! It was fun, making the popiah together with so many others.
Thereafter, activities such as games for the young and the elderly were carried out. It was sort of a relay match whereby the young will go and collect the jigsaw puzzles and the elderly will try to piece the pieces together. Me and my friends happen to stop by a table and decided to help the elderly over there. Unlucky for us, we happened to choose the hardest puzzle of the day. The elderly was fed up in the midst of doing the puzzle, having spent so much time yet with no results. I can definitely understand their frustration. Thus,being the energetic us, we continued to try our best, not willing to give up and most importantly to present the final picture to the elderly as we know that they would be happy being able to see the work done. While trying to piece up the puzzle, I chatted with some of the elderly and they were really quite nice and friendly.
My greatest joy was when I managed to make them laugh. It was a nice feeling knowing that you can bring joy to those around you. In the end, we still could not finish the puzzle. We have tried our best and sad to say, the outcome is not for us to decide. I think some of the pieces were lost.The lesson here guys, is that, when people around you are happy, you will automatically feel happy too. If it just takes a little effort to make someone's day a better one, why not?
Giving up in life is not an option but a choice we decide. For us, we did not give up until the very last. This should be the way life should be. Even we do not even try, we are giving up the only chance we could have. However, sometimes life does not always turn out the way we want it to be, so be smart and know when to stop after trying our very best.
After that, I went home and prepared some gifts to give my friend who was in a depression. I decided that, I wanted to do something for her even it is not something that fantastic. So the flowers came, and the chocolates too.I passed her the book, "Tuesdays with Morrie" too, which hopefully can give her some directions in life. I did not get to see her though for she was not in her room. Actually I did not intend to meet her that day, fearing that I may say the wrong words for I know how the wrong words could affect a person after having experience it in the morning. I just wanted to do something for her. And when she s feeling better and I am more prepared to meet her, I would want to share with her my stories.
For now, I would just share it with you guys first. For me, I used to have mild depression these past few years, having the root of the problem with my self-esteem. With things start to pile up, I will get stressful and I tend to procrastinate. When I am in a new environment and I cant get used to it, I will tend to hide myself. My only way to run away from my depression was to sleep. That is the only place where I can seek refugee in. I live in my own world and I was not happy. And I have to admit that, I thought of suicide too. Fortunately, there is mummy around, always there whenever I need her. Though I do not think that she knows I am depressed, she would just be there for me. Now that she s gone, I tell myself that I must not fall into the realm of depression again. I must be independent, emotionally. A second in depression would mean a second less of happiness. I do not know when life is going to be taken away from me, and so I rather try to be happy till the day I leave.
So guys, depression is nothing to be ashamed of. I am sure each one of us have their fair share of depression. For me, I am lucky that, I could just suddenly awake from my depression. For some others, it is much more serious. But all of us can defeat it by believing that it is only a phase in life and that life can be good too. Problems are always there. We could only try to solve them. Sharing your problems would be a good way to lessen the burden of the pain of the problems. Though I am still sad and that there are times when it still hurts badly, I can proudly say that everyday to me is a gift and I am really happy to be alive.
Later in the evening, I went for a ktv session with my friends. I did not hear my phone ringing and had 14 missed calls from daddy. I guessed I forgot to inform him that I would be home late and that caused quite a panic in him. I' m sorry daddy. I am still not used to informing him about my whereabouts, having used to only tell mummy. It was then I realized that nothing is ever going to be the same and I have to get used to my new lifestyle. Change is a constant and it is something I must embrace to live on happily.
And so friends, what are the lessons which you have learnt today?
Gaining wisdom everyday,
Agnes
Dear Friends,
Yesterday was an insightful day...right from the start of the day. It was a pretty long day for me as well. I wish to share what I have learnt to all of you out there, and hopefully you care enough to read on.
Starting from the morning...I went to a job agency. The person there was pretty insensitive and said some really hurtful things. What a way to start a a wonderful day. It started when she asked me about mummy. And I replied that she passed away. Then she asked for the cause and I said breast cancer. Her insensitive comment was, " You know, breast cancer could actually be prevented......Silly." It was the last word that really angered me. Who was she to say that mummy was silly to have not treated cancer earlier. Can she understand the pain that mummy has to go through alone, not knowing what to do with her illness?
At that point in time, I was already trying to control my tears from falling. If not for the tears, I would have scolded her..or maybe I won't since I am not used to scolding people. She then proceeded on to ask for mummy's age. And I said 56. Then came another insensitive comment, " That was really young".
Those comments were like knives stabbing into my heart and I was having a really bad impression of her. Trust her to be a recruitment personnel, having to deal with people but to be so insensitive with her words. I know that cancer could be prevented, and I don't need you to remind me.
What's the point of telling me this, when mummy was already dead? Age, who are we to determine what s a young age and what s an old age? Life is measure not by the number of years but by the quality of time spent on earth. But perhaps I am still pretty affected by the number of our age as it is a reminder of the things that I could have done with mummy if given more time.
The lesson learnt here, guys... is to think before you talk. Every word you say make an impact on another person. Just like when I think back, I discovered that I said some pretty insensitive words to mummy and regretted saying them. It is a difficult but essentail skill to learn how to speak tactfully.
Though I was still pretty much affected by the earlier incident, I told myself I was not going to let that ruin my day. Our reactions determine what would happen, and thus I tell myself it was going to be a good day. If I would to be trapped in the incident, the rest of the day would be ruined. So guys, never tell yourself today is a bad day, when it is just in the morning. Though a few unlucky things may have happened, it does not necessarily imply that the rest of the day would be bad too.
And so with that, I headed to sentosa for an charity event whereby beneficiaries from all over Singapore come together to break the world record of the longest popiah! It was fun, making the popiah together with so many others.
Thereafter, activities such as games for the young and the elderly were carried out. It was sort of a relay match whereby the young will go and collect the jigsaw puzzles and the elderly will try to piece the pieces together. Me and my friends happen to stop by a table and decided to help the elderly over there. Unlucky for us, we happened to choose the hardest puzzle of the day. The elderly was fed up in the midst of doing the puzzle, having spent so much time yet with no results. I can definitely understand their frustration. Thus,being the energetic us, we continued to try our best, not willing to give up and most importantly to present the final picture to the elderly as we know that they would be happy being able to see the work done. While trying to piece up the puzzle, I chatted with some of the elderly and they were really quite nice and friendly.
My greatest joy was when I managed to make them laugh. It was a nice feeling knowing that you can bring joy to those around you. In the end, we still could not finish the puzzle. We have tried our best and sad to say, the outcome is not for us to decide. I think some of the pieces were lost.The lesson here guys, is that, when people around you are happy, you will automatically feel happy too. If it just takes a little effort to make someone's day a better one, why not?
Giving up in life is not an option but a choice we decide. For us, we did not give up until the very last. This should be the way life should be. Even we do not even try, we are giving up the only chance we could have. However, sometimes life does not always turn out the way we want it to be, so be smart and know when to stop after trying our very best.
After that, I went home and prepared some gifts to give my friend who was in a depression. I decided that, I wanted to do something for her even it is not something that fantastic. So the flowers came, and the chocolates too.I passed her the book, "Tuesdays with Morrie" too, which hopefully can give her some directions in life. I did not get to see her though for she was not in her room. Actually I did not intend to meet her that day, fearing that I may say the wrong words for I know how the wrong words could affect a person after having experience it in the morning. I just wanted to do something for her. And when she s feeling better and I am more prepared to meet her, I would want to share with her my stories.
For now, I would just share it with you guys first. For me, I used to have mild depression these past few years, having the root of the problem with my self-esteem. With things start to pile up, I will get stressful and I tend to procrastinate. When I am in a new environment and I cant get used to it, I will tend to hide myself. My only way to run away from my depression was to sleep. That is the only place where I can seek refugee in. I live in my own world and I was not happy. And I have to admit that, I thought of suicide too. Fortunately, there is mummy around, always there whenever I need her. Though I do not think that she knows I am depressed, she would just be there for me. Now that she s gone, I tell myself that I must not fall into the realm of depression again. I must be independent, emotionally. A second in depression would mean a second less of happiness. I do not know when life is going to be taken away from me, and so I rather try to be happy till the day I leave.
So guys, depression is nothing to be ashamed of. I am sure each one of us have their fair share of depression. For me, I am lucky that, I could just suddenly awake from my depression. For some others, it is much more serious. But all of us can defeat it by believing that it is only a phase in life and that life can be good too. Problems are always there. We could only try to solve them. Sharing your problems would be a good way to lessen the burden of the pain of the problems. Though I am still sad and that there are times when it still hurts badly, I can proudly say that everyday to me is a gift and I am really happy to be alive.
Later in the evening, I went for a ktv session with my friends. I did not hear my phone ringing and had 14 missed calls from daddy. I guessed I forgot to inform him that I would be home late and that caused quite a panic in him. I' m sorry daddy. I am still not used to informing him about my whereabouts, having used to only tell mummy. It was then I realized that nothing is ever going to be the same and I have to get used to my new lifestyle. Change is a constant and it is something I must embrace to live on happily.
And so friends, what are the lessons which you have learnt today?
Gaining wisdom everyday,
Agnes
Friday, June 24, 2005
Quick updates
Dear Mummy,
I think I have been neglecting you, having dedicated my last few entries to my friends.
Anyway it is just a quick update on my side to tell you about the recent happenings around here.
News Bulletin:
1) Michelle (my cousin) might be getting married soon as she has already applied for a flat with her boyfriend.
2) Daddy sprained his left knee and I think it hurts a great deal. But do not worry, I will take care of him just like the way I have taken care of you. Hopefully he will get well soon and there will be no repercussion from this sprain.
3) Lao Ee ( my ah ma's elder sister) is currently staying in ang mo kio hospital due to an injured hip. (P.S: For all those who have elderly living with them, do take good care of them lest they fall and injure themselves. For the elderly, a fall can be very detrimental to their health. And if this really happens and he/she refuse to see the doctor, pls by hook or crook, send them to the doctors for a checkup. It is for their own good.)
4) For me, I have been shopping a lot ( must have inherited your shopping skills) and going out a lot. But I will be starting work soon (temp) next tuesday. Time to earn some and spend less.
5) Lastly, I will be visting you next monday at Choa Chu Kang, after collecting my transcript for my results. You had always nag me previously to print the online results and yes, I have printed.
K, that s all, mummy.
Love you,
Agnes
What you rather not say, or do not know how to say
" Sometimes, it is the words that you rather not say or do not know to say that matters the most."
Dear Friends,
Taboo subjects such as death and love are topics which we are not very used to saying in our daily lifes, especially in this conservative society of ours. Either you do not know how to approach the subjects or you rather not say them out, just to play it on the safe side lest the awkwardness.
I have been reading this book entitled ": How to survive the loss of a parent" by Lois F. Akner, C.S.W with Catherine Whitney. It is a great book and has been my guide for coping with mummy's death. It is hard to find a support group in singapore who discusses about death openly or maybe I am just ignorant..hehe. This book has been like my support group whereby people from all walks of life share their loss with one another. It makes you feel that you are not alone and things like this always happen. It is just that you may have not experience one close to you yet.
Since it has happened to me, I thought of sharing some of my thoughts on death. Before all these had happened, I read an another great book entitled, " Tuesdays with Morrie" by Mitch Albom. It is about a living person who is on his journey to death, sharing his life moments with his previous student( Mitch, who is the author of this book). This story touched me a lot to the extent that I just felt that I knew Morrie from this book. His insights on death were great. But apparently, being touched doesn't necessarily translate in actions, something which I have talked about in my previous entry. You can know a lot in life, but if you just do not do it, it will just remain as knowledge and nothing else. Well, that happens to me. And I hope it is not too late for you to translate your knowlegde into actions. Since you know regrets are everlasting, why do things that will make you have regrets?
Morrie said," Once you learn how to die, you learn how to live". This happens to be a favourite line of my friend, someone who has been very supportive of me throughout this period and if you are reading this, you should know who I am talking about. This is a quote which I like very much as well. It is only now that I can truly apprehend the meaning behind the quote. Knowing life is really unpredictible and that death can strike me even at such a young age, I am beginning to take more responsiblity for my own life. There are so many things that I want to do and I hope that one day I can fulfill all of them. Even if I can't, the process of walking towards them is already a joy. At least I try.
Anyway I am planning to set up a Morriean Club which will be a forum for all to discuss about the teachings of Morrie from his book. For all those who loves Morrie as I do, do stay tune for the club. (P.S : I am not mad over Morrie, just that I thought what he said really made a lot of sense). But that would have to wait for awhile because I am still trying to figure out how to use dreamweaver.
Well, back to the topic of taboo subjects.. I would like to share with you guys my idea of death. I read...(yes.. I have been reading a lot.) somewhere that, it is not death that s scary but what precedes it. I agree! Death is purely a moment of release of the soul from the body. Whereas for those in sickness, what precedes death is the pain. No one can imagine how painful is the pain unless you have been through it. And so that s why, to all of you out there, do take care of your health and for all those who are smoking, pls quit for you are just throwing your life away slowly which is equivalent to gradual suicide.
There have been a lot of sayings about what happens after death. Some say the souls would reside in insects' bodies, especially butterflies and moths. And coincidentally, I happen to see a lot of them after mummy died. Are those butterflies messengers from mummy to see if I am alright? Or is it just a pure coincidence? I have no answer for it. Others say that the souls go to heaven while a few others say that the souls still live on in this world.
For me, I believe that the good souls go heaven whereas the not so good souls go to hell. When I was young, I thought that those who were buried in the soil will go to hell for it is like deep below and hence I associate it to hell. For those who were cremate, I thought they will go to heaven and so their ashes will fly up to the sky..to the heaven of course. And that is probably why, I love the sky so much. I have a dream, and the dream is to become an angel someday. I just love angels so much, without any reason. So for that, I believe that mummy has gone to the heaven, becoming one of the guardian angels of mine whom I will meet one day.
There is no right or wrong answer for this and no one could possibly know for sure what happens after death. And so I would like to pose a question to all of you out there. What do you think about death? And what do you think happens after death? I hope to see a lively discussion on this for death is not something to be kept secretly in dark for it happens to all of us someday, whether you want it or not.
Living and dying at the same time,
Agnes
" Saying it out makes everything much clearer. Trust me."
Dear Friends,
Taboo subjects such as death and love are topics which we are not very used to saying in our daily lifes, especially in this conservative society of ours. Either you do not know how to approach the subjects or you rather not say them out, just to play it on the safe side lest the awkwardness.
I have been reading this book entitled ": How to survive the loss of a parent" by Lois F. Akner, C.S.W with Catherine Whitney. It is a great book and has been my guide for coping with mummy's death. It is hard to find a support group in singapore who discusses about death openly or maybe I am just ignorant..hehe. This book has been like my support group whereby people from all walks of life share their loss with one another. It makes you feel that you are not alone and things like this always happen. It is just that you may have not experience one close to you yet.
Since it has happened to me, I thought of sharing some of my thoughts on death. Before all these had happened, I read an another great book entitled, " Tuesdays with Morrie" by Mitch Albom. It is about a living person who is on his journey to death, sharing his life moments with his previous student( Mitch, who is the author of this book). This story touched me a lot to the extent that I just felt that I knew Morrie from this book. His insights on death were great. But apparently, being touched doesn't necessarily translate in actions, something which I have talked about in my previous entry. You can know a lot in life, but if you just do not do it, it will just remain as knowledge and nothing else. Well, that happens to me. And I hope it is not too late for you to translate your knowlegde into actions. Since you know regrets are everlasting, why do things that will make you have regrets?
Morrie said," Once you learn how to die, you learn how to live". This happens to be a favourite line of my friend, someone who has been very supportive of me throughout this period and if you are reading this, you should know who I am talking about. This is a quote which I like very much as well. It is only now that I can truly apprehend the meaning behind the quote. Knowing life is really unpredictible and that death can strike me even at such a young age, I am beginning to take more responsiblity for my own life. There are so many things that I want to do and I hope that one day I can fulfill all of them. Even if I can't, the process of walking towards them is already a joy. At least I try.
Anyway I am planning to set up a Morriean Club which will be a forum for all to discuss about the teachings of Morrie from his book. For all those who loves Morrie as I do, do stay tune for the club. (P.S : I am not mad over Morrie, just that I thought what he said really made a lot of sense). But that would have to wait for awhile because I am still trying to figure out how to use dreamweaver.
Well, back to the topic of taboo subjects.. I would like to share with you guys my idea of death. I read...(yes.. I have been reading a lot.) somewhere that, it is not death that s scary but what precedes it. I agree! Death is purely a moment of release of the soul from the body. Whereas for those in sickness, what precedes death is the pain. No one can imagine how painful is the pain unless you have been through it. And so that s why, to all of you out there, do take care of your health and for all those who are smoking, pls quit for you are just throwing your life away slowly which is equivalent to gradual suicide.
There have been a lot of sayings about what happens after death. Some say the souls would reside in insects' bodies, especially butterflies and moths. And coincidentally, I happen to see a lot of them after mummy died. Are those butterflies messengers from mummy to see if I am alright? Or is it just a pure coincidence? I have no answer for it. Others say that the souls go to heaven while a few others say that the souls still live on in this world.
For me, I believe that the good souls go heaven whereas the not so good souls go to hell. When I was young, I thought that those who were buried in the soil will go to hell for it is like deep below and hence I associate it to hell. For those who were cremate, I thought they will go to heaven and so their ashes will fly up to the sky..to the heaven of course. And that is probably why, I love the sky so much. I have a dream, and the dream is to become an angel someday. I just love angels so much, without any reason. So for that, I believe that mummy has gone to the heaven, becoming one of the guardian angels of mine whom I will meet one day.
There is no right or wrong answer for this and no one could possibly know for sure what happens after death. And so I would like to pose a question to all of you out there. What do you think about death? And what do you think happens after death? I hope to see a lively discussion on this for death is not something to be kept secretly in dark for it happens to all of us someday, whether you want it or not.
Living and dying at the same time,
Agnes
" Saying it out makes everything much clearer. Trust me."
Tuesday, June 21, 2005
If only...
" If only we have done this..If only we could have done that... If only...If only....."
Dear Friends,
Today, I am going to talk about regrets, the source of grief. I wish I have driven earlier so that I could have driven mummy around.. I wish muumy could have attended my convocation so that she could feel proud of me ..I wish I could have done more things for mummy so that I could show her how much I love her..I wish mummy could have seen me gotten married so that she could see for herself that I am well taken care for.. I wish that I could have started working earlier so that mummy could have enjoyed her retirement... I wish.. I wish...and I know they are all her wishes for she has said them to me.
I had so many things that I plan to do in the future when mummy was still around. Things that I could do never do now...If only I could turn back time and paid more attention to her, perhaps she would still be around now.But I know I can't and that s where regrets set in.
Perhaps friends, you would already have heard a million stories about regrets, about living your life to the fullest, about living for the moment etc. So have I ,before mummy left. Truthfully, knowing and doing what you preach are two totally different things. You may know that you should live well for life is short but nothing beats than having personally experience regrets. I used to think, why me? And I finally gotten an answer and that s to make me grow. I am too 'into' my own world that although I know all about living well, I was not doing it. Seriously, it doesnt really matter whether you know it or not, what matters is whether you are doing it or not.
Life has taught me a great lesson and I am not letting to let it go in vain. So I am sharing this with all of you, hoping that you could perhaps have one less regret in life and that s to treat your family members and friends right, especially your parents. You owe your life to them and it is only right you dedicate your life to them in whichever way you can. Spend a little bit more time with them. Perhaps time is what they want and not material goods. I have the blessing of having both emotional and material gifts given by my parents. And I am glad, I did spent a substantial time with mummy. I could not give her any material stuff when she was still around but I gave her my time and attention as much as I could. I enjoyed her company and I know she did.
Dear Mummy, I will fulfil all the wishes that you had told me and I will take good care of myself and daddy too. Don't worry, I will get married and I will drive. I will go for convocation too. I will find myself a good job and I will be happy.
"Don't allow too many if only(s) in your life, otherwise you may just one day doubt the mere presence of yourself."
Never regretting to be alive,
Agnes
Dear Friends,
Today, I am going to talk about regrets, the source of grief. I wish I have driven earlier so that I could have driven mummy around.. I wish muumy could have attended my convocation so that she could feel proud of me ..I wish I could have done more things for mummy so that I could show her how much I love her..I wish mummy could have seen me gotten married so that she could see for herself that I am well taken care for.. I wish that I could have started working earlier so that mummy could have enjoyed her retirement... I wish.. I wish...and I know they are all her wishes for she has said them to me.
I had so many things that I plan to do in the future when mummy was still around. Things that I could do never do now...If only I could turn back time and paid more attention to her, perhaps she would still be around now.But I know I can't and that s where regrets set in.
Perhaps friends, you would already have heard a million stories about regrets, about living your life to the fullest, about living for the moment etc. So have I ,before mummy left. Truthfully, knowing and doing what you preach are two totally different things. You may know that you should live well for life is short but nothing beats than having personally experience regrets. I used to think, why me? And I finally gotten an answer and that s to make me grow. I am too 'into' my own world that although I know all about living well, I was not doing it. Seriously, it doesnt really matter whether you know it or not, what matters is whether you are doing it or not.
Life has taught me a great lesson and I am not letting to let it go in vain. So I am sharing this with all of you, hoping that you could perhaps have one less regret in life and that s to treat your family members and friends right, especially your parents. You owe your life to them and it is only right you dedicate your life to them in whichever way you can. Spend a little bit more time with them. Perhaps time is what they want and not material goods. I have the blessing of having both emotional and material gifts given by my parents. And I am glad, I did spent a substantial time with mummy. I could not give her any material stuff when she was still around but I gave her my time and attention as much as I could. I enjoyed her company and I know she did.
Dear Mummy, I will fulfil all the wishes that you had told me and I will take good care of myself and daddy too. Don't worry, I will get married and I will drive. I will go for convocation too. I will find myself a good job and I will be happy.
"Don't allow too many if only(s) in your life, otherwise you may just one day doubt the mere presence of yourself."
Never regretting to be alive,
Agnes
Monday, June 20, 2005
Ties that Bind
"The strongest ties on earth are that of a family love."
Dear Mummy,
How have you been? Just a little quick update on the happenings in my life lately, just in case you feel a bit out of touch.
Well, today we celebrated father's day with Uncle Peter's family and Ah ma. The kids get to pay finally! And it is a great feeling to do just a little something for those you care, though it was just a simple dinner. It has been a while since all of us had gotten out for a dinner together.
[To my friends:Remember my last entry? I mentioned about creating new relationships of similar intensity? Mummy's departure had opened a whole new outlook for me. Past relationships with my cousins that was lost, are gradually coming back again. It was then I realized that family ties are truly important. They will always be there, no matter what.Don't you agree?]
Mummy, mummy, mummy...Lately, I miss calling you this and well, I could only do it here. Never did I realize hearing others calling mummy could invoke such huge emotions in me. Emotions of grief and regret overwhelm me. And I really still miss you a lot. I would not attempt to control my grief but to let it subside by itself for I know that to be detached from the emotion I must fully experience it first. {For those who know Morrie, you should know this}. Mourning for you does not necessarily mean that I am not getting on with my life.
To show you that I am getting on pretty fine, I shall let in you on my plans for the next few months. Currently, I am taking a break. I am also making an effort to maintain my relationships with everyone I love and hopefully treasure them in whichever way I can. This effort includes going out for shopping,tea, swimming,tennis, tanning, buffet, drinking,blogging and ktv.
[To my friends: if you ever feel sad over something, pls go and sing! It is a great way to release your emotions. Just warn your friends that are going with you, to bring along their earplugs =p ]
Moving on, next month I will be starting on a temp job with liying at NTUC link to earn some money for my taiwan trip. Yep, that s right, mummy.. I am going taiwan on a free and easy trip to meet huiling and yiqian, along with some others. And so after that, I plan to start work seriously so that I can finally be financially independent. There is simply too many things I want to do that need money to be accomplished. Money is only a tool and never a goal. Poor us, we have no choice but to earn to realize our dreams. Hopefully I get my dream job with a purpose so that working may not seem to be so dreadful afterall.
One of my dreams is to learn photography and take numerous and numerous photos. Mummy, I have an idea. I am thinking of taking photos of all the places we have been and name it '' Then and Now''. I think it s pretty cool, don't you think so? But before that, I have to earn first.(money again). It is an expensive hobby. But money can't buy memories and the moments can only be captured through the lense. For someone as 'senile' as me, I guess photography is a good way for me to remember everything.
Oh yah, I would love to rear a dog and a cat. Sounds ridiculous? No, it isnt. Wouldnt it be nice if a dog and a cat can live together harmoniously? Well, it is just a dream of mine that I hope I can realize it one day...when I have the money to keep them. See, you need money again, haha.Ok, ok..Money is always a problem so don't bother yourself too much with it. (This is what I always tell myself )
[Ermm...it s getting a bit long ah..guess it is time for a break.So it is advertisement time! Speaking of cats and dogs, Healing Paws will be organising a charity manicure event in aid of SPCA. Date and venue will be at heeren on the 29th and 30th june, whole day. Nice and friendly manicurists (I will be one of them hehe) will be helping the girls look pretty with nicely painted nails. So come down and do a part for the homeless animals! Tell that to your friends too!]
Back to my dreams, I hope to study pyschology and understand the workings of the human mind. First and foremost, I want to understand myself. It is the same as if you want to love others, love yourself first.I truly believe that the ties that bind everyone together are love, understanding and acceptance.
" There is no strangers on earth, just friends that you have not met." How true it is, if only we can base our relationships on love,the most fundamental element in relationships.
So for all those who have read my blog, I thank you for wanting to know my feelings and for wanting to share your time with me. I want to thank those who have cared enough to leave a comment and for those who have accompanied me throughout this period. Friendship is all about sharing, so for all those who have anything else that you have to share with me, feel free to drop in a comment. I would be most willing to listen and share with you my thoughts.
Perhaps, I should change my quote at the start to "The strongest ties on earth are those of a family love for all those who care and share are family. And so that includes you too."
Sharing and loving you,
Agnes
Dear Mummy,
How have you been? Just a little quick update on the happenings in my life lately, just in case you feel a bit out of touch.
Well, today we celebrated father's day with Uncle Peter's family and Ah ma. The kids get to pay finally! And it is a great feeling to do just a little something for those you care, though it was just a simple dinner. It has been a while since all of us had gotten out for a dinner together.
[To my friends:Remember my last entry? I mentioned about creating new relationships of similar intensity? Mummy's departure had opened a whole new outlook for me. Past relationships with my cousins that was lost, are gradually coming back again. It was then I realized that family ties are truly important. They will always be there, no matter what.Don't you agree?]
Mummy, mummy, mummy...Lately, I miss calling you this and well, I could only do it here. Never did I realize hearing others calling mummy could invoke such huge emotions in me. Emotions of grief and regret overwhelm me. And I really still miss you a lot. I would not attempt to control my grief but to let it subside by itself for I know that to be detached from the emotion I must fully experience it first. {For those who know Morrie, you should know this}. Mourning for you does not necessarily mean that I am not getting on with my life.
To show you that I am getting on pretty fine, I shall let in you on my plans for the next few months. Currently, I am taking a break. I am also making an effort to maintain my relationships with everyone I love and hopefully treasure them in whichever way I can. This effort includes going out for shopping,tea, swimming,tennis, tanning, buffet, drinking,blogging and ktv.
[To my friends: if you ever feel sad over something, pls go and sing! It is a great way to release your emotions. Just warn your friends that are going with you, to bring along their earplugs =p ]
Moving on, next month I will be starting on a temp job with liying at NTUC link to earn some money for my taiwan trip. Yep, that s right, mummy.. I am going taiwan on a free and easy trip to meet huiling and yiqian, along with some others. And so after that, I plan to start work seriously so that I can finally be financially independent. There is simply too many things I want to do that need money to be accomplished. Money is only a tool and never a goal. Poor us, we have no choice but to earn to realize our dreams. Hopefully I get my dream job with a purpose so that working may not seem to be so dreadful afterall.
One of my dreams is to learn photography and take numerous and numerous photos. Mummy, I have an idea. I am thinking of taking photos of all the places we have been and name it '' Then and Now''. I think it s pretty cool, don't you think so? But before that, I have to earn first.(money again). It is an expensive hobby. But money can't buy memories and the moments can only be captured through the lense. For someone as 'senile' as me, I guess photography is a good way for me to remember everything.
Oh yah, I would love to rear a dog and a cat. Sounds ridiculous? No, it isnt. Wouldnt it be nice if a dog and a cat can live together harmoniously? Well, it is just a dream of mine that I hope I can realize it one day...when I have the money to keep them. See, you need money again, haha.Ok, ok..Money is always a problem so don't bother yourself too much with it. (This is what I always tell myself )
[Ermm...it s getting a bit long ah..guess it is time for a break.So it is advertisement time! Speaking of cats and dogs, Healing Paws will be organising a charity manicure event in aid of SPCA. Date and venue will be at heeren on the 29th and 30th june, whole day. Nice and friendly manicurists (I will be one of them hehe) will be helping the girls look pretty with nicely painted nails. So come down and do a part for the homeless animals! Tell that to your friends too!]
Back to my dreams, I hope to study pyschology and understand the workings of the human mind. First and foremost, I want to understand myself. It is the same as if you want to love others, love yourself first.I truly believe that the ties that bind everyone together are love, understanding and acceptance.
" There is no strangers on earth, just friends that you have not met." How true it is, if only we can base our relationships on love,the most fundamental element in relationships.
So for all those who have read my blog, I thank you for wanting to know my feelings and for wanting to share your time with me. I want to thank those who have cared enough to leave a comment and for those who have accompanied me throughout this period. Friendship is all about sharing, so for all those who have anything else that you have to share with me, feel free to drop in a comment. I would be most willing to listen and share with you my thoughts.
Perhaps, I should change my quote at the start to "The strongest ties on earth are those of a family love for all those who care and share are family. And so that includes you too."
Sharing and loving you,
Agnes
Sunday, June 19, 2005
The Little Things in Life
"When was the last time you stop and look at the sky, smell the flowers, listen to the rain, taste the water and feel the wind?"
Dear Friends,
Life can be very simple, if only you see it that way. Blessed are we not, to be alive. You may think that being able to walk is what you are entitled to. But have you ever imagined what would happen if this so called entitlement is taken away from you one day?
I have never thought much about this until the day mummy was bedridden. A wise man once said, " Once you are in bed, you are dead." How true it is, for you lose almost all the abilities to do things by yourself once you are trapped in the bed. Your life will be restricted to only this bed unless people bring you around in the wheelchair.
I can vividly remember that mummy said that if she could not walk, she would rather die. I bet you can imagine how much she dreaded relying on other people.Having being able to take care of herself for almost 50 decades, everything was taken away from her just like that. From a toddler to an adult, she has once again reverted back to a child, needing the care of other people. Isn't life amazing? It is simply just a cycle that we could not escape.
I wish mummy was less depressed and could have better accept the conditions things were then. Sometimes, we just could not fight fate. So if we can't change what was besotted to us, why not just relish in the simplicity of events? Rather than focusing on what was taken away from us, why not concentrate on the things that we still have?
Today, I went for a night trek in aid of a charity event and simply was really grateful to be able to walk, breathe in the night air, see the stars and feel the wind. The sunset was beautiful but it was short. I knew I could not keep it there foreve and thus just enjoyed its presence at that moment.
Though mummy was taken away from me, I am thankful that daddy is still around.Though mummy could not longer talk to me, I am thankful that I still have my friends. Though mummy can never be replaced, new relationships of similar intensity can be built and I am thankful for all these...
My friends, nothing is ever an entitlement and all are gifts to us. Never think that nothing will be taken away from you because the gifts are only our temporary possessions. Treasure them while you still have them and share these gifts with those who may not have them for happiness can only be multiplied through giving.
So, shall we take a moment of silence, stop what we are doing now and look at what we have been given. You may just realize you are the most fortunate person around with all the little things in life.
Hugs,
Agnes
Dear Friends,
Life can be very simple, if only you see it that way. Blessed are we not, to be alive. You may think that being able to walk is what you are entitled to. But have you ever imagined what would happen if this so called entitlement is taken away from you one day?
I have never thought much about this until the day mummy was bedridden. A wise man once said, " Once you are in bed, you are dead." How true it is, for you lose almost all the abilities to do things by yourself once you are trapped in the bed. Your life will be restricted to only this bed unless people bring you around in the wheelchair.
I can vividly remember that mummy said that if she could not walk, she would rather die. I bet you can imagine how much she dreaded relying on other people.Having being able to take care of herself for almost 50 decades, everything was taken away from her just like that. From a toddler to an adult, she has once again reverted back to a child, needing the care of other people. Isn't life amazing? It is simply just a cycle that we could not escape.
I wish mummy was less depressed and could have better accept the conditions things were then. Sometimes, we just could not fight fate. So if we can't change what was besotted to us, why not just relish in the simplicity of events? Rather than focusing on what was taken away from us, why not concentrate on the things that we still have?
Today, I went for a night trek in aid of a charity event and simply was really grateful to be able to walk, breathe in the night air, see the stars and feel the wind. The sunset was beautiful but it was short. I knew I could not keep it there foreve and thus just enjoyed its presence at that moment.
Though mummy was taken away from me, I am thankful that daddy is still around.Though mummy could not longer talk to me, I am thankful that I still have my friends. Though mummy can never be replaced, new relationships of similar intensity can be built and I am thankful for all these...
My friends, nothing is ever an entitlement and all are gifts to us. Never think that nothing will be taken away from you because the gifts are only our temporary possessions. Treasure them while you still have them and share these gifts with those who may not have them for happiness can only be multiplied through giving.
So, shall we take a moment of silence, stop what we are doing now and look at what we have been given. You may just realize you are the most fortunate person around with all the little things in life.
Hugs,
Agnes
Tuesday, June 14, 2005
Only you
"There could be a million of people around you but somehow, you are still alone.."
Agnes
I guess I better blog first before all my ideas and emotions disappear..the revamp of my blog site will take time..So in the meanwhile I shall just blog as per normal and hopefully not as boring..
Dear Mummy,
There isn't any moment that I am not thinking of you...Sometimes I just wish this is a bad dream and I will wake up one day and see you there just the way you used to be.I know I shouldnt be deceiving myself and I should just accept the fact that you are gone and you will never come back,at least not physically.
That day, I went shopping and engaged myself in some retail therapy.The sale was really crazy. It s called the midnight madness sale at Suntec. You would be delighted to know that there s such a thing since you loved shopping so much, but maybe not so as I know you don't really like crowds.
I was in a total shock when I went into Charles and Keith. It was like a market place with people squeezing and shouting non-stop.Everywhere there is people, and almost all the time I think of you. I think of all the things we had done before and all the things which we chould have done together. I remembered all the shopping we have done and all the pampering you had showered me by buying almost everything I wanted.
It was then I felt really alone because nobody will treat me the way you treated me. Unconditional Love. Though there were so many people around me, I still felt alone. But luckily there s still liying around. You told her to take care of me. And she did and so did many of my friends and family. So don't worry about me. I am in safe hands.
Alone as I may be, emotionally...I try to be around people and occupy myself with things to do. It is my way of making better use of my time instead of keeping myself deeply ingrained with grief.I don't really think anyone can really understand the way I am feeling right now and so I try not to bother them with my emotions, at least not all the time. I know they all meant well and I am really grateful to them for being there. But somehow, it s still something I have to get over it myself.
By getting over, I do not mean to forget you , mummy. You will always be in my heart but hopefully the sadness will slowly go away with time. They say that time will heal all wounds. I say time will still leave a scar.I do expect to get well totally as I know I cant possibly forget you. You are a part of me, and you always will be.
You can be alone, yet not lonely. I know I will not be lonely because you are still here, just that you are here in a different way.
"There could be a million people around you but somehow you are still alone.What matters is not the number of people, but someone like you who cares."
Always on my mind,
Agnes
P.S : The retail therapy did work to a certain extent, but not for long. It distracted me for a while. But if you were around, I am sure you would surely scold me for spluring my money like that. Just this once, mummy. I promise I would try to curb my spending habits. I simply realize that there would not be anyone like you footing the bills for me anytime soon and so I just thought that I should start being independent and foot my own bills though not all with my own money..hehe..*sheepish grin*.. Next time, I will earn for my own spending.
Agnes
I guess I better blog first before all my ideas and emotions disappear..the revamp of my blog site will take time..So in the meanwhile I shall just blog as per normal and hopefully not as boring..
Dear Mummy,
There isn't any moment that I am not thinking of you...Sometimes I just wish this is a bad dream and I will wake up one day and see you there just the way you used to be.I know I shouldnt be deceiving myself and I should just accept the fact that you are gone and you will never come back,at least not physically.
That day, I went shopping and engaged myself in some retail therapy.The sale was really crazy. It s called the midnight madness sale at Suntec. You would be delighted to know that there s such a thing since you loved shopping so much, but maybe not so as I know you don't really like crowds.
I was in a total shock when I went into Charles and Keith. It was like a market place with people squeezing and shouting non-stop.Everywhere there is people, and almost all the time I think of you. I think of all the things we had done before and all the things which we chould have done together. I remembered all the shopping we have done and all the pampering you had showered me by buying almost everything I wanted.
It was then I felt really alone because nobody will treat me the way you treated me. Unconditional Love. Though there were so many people around me, I still felt alone. But luckily there s still liying around. You told her to take care of me. And she did and so did many of my friends and family. So don't worry about me. I am in safe hands.
Alone as I may be, emotionally...I try to be around people and occupy myself with things to do. It is my way of making better use of my time instead of keeping myself deeply ingrained with grief.I don't really think anyone can really understand the way I am feeling right now and so I try not to bother them with my emotions, at least not all the time. I know they all meant well and I am really grateful to them for being there. But somehow, it s still something I have to get over it myself.
By getting over, I do not mean to forget you , mummy. You will always be in my heart but hopefully the sadness will slowly go away with time. They say that time will heal all wounds. I say time will still leave a scar.I do expect to get well totally as I know I cant possibly forget you. You are a part of me, and you always will be.
You can be alone, yet not lonely. I know I will not be lonely because you are still here, just that you are here in a different way.
"There could be a million people around you but somehow you are still alone.What matters is not the number of people, but someone like you who cares."
Always on my mind,
Agnes
P.S : The retail therapy did work to a certain extent, but not for long. It distracted me for a while. But if you were around, I am sure you would surely scold me for spluring my money like that. Just this once, mummy. I promise I would try to curb my spending habits. I simply realize that there would not be anyone like you footing the bills for me anytime soon and so I just thought that I should start being independent and foot my own bills though not all with my own money..hehe..*sheepish grin*.. Next time, I will earn for my own spending.
Friday, June 10, 2005
Procrastination
"If you are always behind, you never really get anywhere."
Murray Martin (Age: 75)
@What 's Worth Knowing by Wendy Lustbader
Let me just share with you the story behind this quote so that you might understand better the meaning behind this quote.
So here it goes.. Let's hear what Murray has to say:
"You can spend your whole life putting things off. I didn't face up to this until I was an old man.Can you imagine? I waited till I was in my seventies.At work, I was famous for getting to meetings at least a half hour late and turning in my paperwork after it had started turning yellow.The bosses put up with me, but I never get promoted.
Work is work, whether you get it done now, next week, or next month.The job still has to be done, so you might as well do it now. If you're smart, you'll get it done early and it will be off your back that much sooner.
You know what cured me?Last year,my best friend was in hospital.Did I go visit him? No, I put it off.Then he died. Before I got there, he was gone. That was it. I had enough with procrastination.Now whenever I go somewhere, I get there early. I take the bus before the last bus. I never wait until the last minute with anything. I take care of business, one, two, three. I can hardly believe this is me. I would have gone far in life if I had figured this out sooner."
Dear Friends,
This is a really good book whereby the wiser people share their life experiences.And Murray's story is just one of them. So my dear friends, all I can say is try not to procrastinate because you might not have a chance like Murray to save himself from procrastination before it s really too late.
Personally, there s so many things that I wanna do but there s simply too little time for me to accomplish all of them.I am caught in the dilemma of squeezing everything all at once and taking things slowly. Both have its pros and cons and my mind is just too overwhelmed with stuff that I wanna do before it s too late.I dun wan to regret it only when I am old. But somehow, when you squeeze so many things together, you will tend to lose your focus and priorities.
I guess we all have the same amount of time.It s just a matter of how we balance everything; family, job,relationships and interest etc. Sometimes maybe procrastination might not be a bad thing afterall and you don't have to push yourself that hard. Gauge your own abilities and do what you can.Planning is the way to go as "once you fail to plan,you plan to fail". Keep everything in track and once in a while let a surprise light up your life.
Wishing you all the best in life,
Agnes
P.S : I know I can get a bit long-winded and my blog is kinda of boring. If you have read till this part, I am really grateful.For the benefit of my readers, I promise to make my blog a more exciting site with photos, links and tips.Let's just hope this will not become a procrastination, hopefully having learnt the lesson from Murray.
Murray Martin (Age: 75)
@What 's Worth Knowing by Wendy Lustbader
Let me just share with you the story behind this quote so that you might understand better the meaning behind this quote.
So here it goes.. Let's hear what Murray has to say:
"You can spend your whole life putting things off. I didn't face up to this until I was an old man.Can you imagine? I waited till I was in my seventies.At work, I was famous for getting to meetings at least a half hour late and turning in my paperwork after it had started turning yellow.The bosses put up with me, but I never get promoted.
Work is work, whether you get it done now, next week, or next month.The job still has to be done, so you might as well do it now. If you're smart, you'll get it done early and it will be off your back that much sooner.
You know what cured me?Last year,my best friend was in hospital.Did I go visit him? No, I put it off.Then he died. Before I got there, he was gone. That was it. I had enough with procrastination.Now whenever I go somewhere, I get there early. I take the bus before the last bus. I never wait until the last minute with anything. I take care of business, one, two, three. I can hardly believe this is me. I would have gone far in life if I had figured this out sooner."
Dear Friends,
This is a really good book whereby the wiser people share their life experiences.And Murray's story is just one of them. So my dear friends, all I can say is try not to procrastinate because you might not have a chance like Murray to save himself from procrastination before it s really too late.
Personally, there s so many things that I wanna do but there s simply too little time for me to accomplish all of them.I am caught in the dilemma of squeezing everything all at once and taking things slowly. Both have its pros and cons and my mind is just too overwhelmed with stuff that I wanna do before it s too late.I dun wan to regret it only when I am old. But somehow, when you squeeze so many things together, you will tend to lose your focus and priorities.
I guess we all have the same amount of time.It s just a matter of how we balance everything; family, job,relationships and interest etc. Sometimes maybe procrastination might not be a bad thing afterall and you don't have to push yourself that hard. Gauge your own abilities and do what you can.Planning is the way to go as "once you fail to plan,you plan to fail". Keep everything in track and once in a while let a surprise light up your life.
Wishing you all the best in life,
Agnes
P.S : I know I can get a bit long-winded and my blog is kinda of boring. If you have read till this part, I am really grateful.For the benefit of my readers, I promise to make my blog a more exciting site with photos, links and tips.Let's just hope this will not become a procrastination, hopefully having learnt the lesson from Murray.
Wednesday, June 08, 2005
The True Meaning of Love
"The true meaning of love is not to possess but to let go...."
-Agnes-
Dear Mummy,
Ever since you have left me, there is a question that keep bugging me. Everyday I search for an answer but all I get is silence.How I wish I could see you again, touch you just once more and to ask you..... "How are you now??"
I guess you would most probably be much better off in heaven than on earth as there would be no suffering. Seeing in pain hurts me so much that somehow I am glad you have been relieved of the pain.I realized that the true meaning of love is really not to possess you but to let you go...to a better place.
"I love you", these three words are definitely not easy to say it out, especially coming from me but I am glad that I did say those three words out before you left.I wondered if you have heard me. But somehow I know you knew even if I did not say them out as my actions have said it all.
-Agnes-
Dear Mummy,
Ever since you have left me, there is a question that keep bugging me. Everyday I search for an answer but all I get is silence.How I wish I could see you again, touch you just once more and to ask you..... "How are you now??"
I guess you would most probably be much better off in heaven than on earth as there would be no suffering. Seeing in pain hurts me so much that somehow I am glad you have been relieved of the pain.I realized that the true meaning of love is really not to possess you but to let you go...to a better place.
"I love you", these three words are definitely not easy to say it out, especially coming from me but I am glad that I did say those three words out before you left.I wondered if you have heard me. But somehow I know you knew even if I did not say them out as my actions have said it all.
Love as I have discovered, is the most sincere through touch.Such physical affection conquers all. I would always remember the little squeezing of our hands when you are in bed, my gentle stroke of your forehead,my little act of closing your slightly opened right eyelid, and my goodnight hug to you.
Whereas, your love is shown through your silent endurance.You did not want us to worry and so you took on the mighty task of enduring the pain and fear of the disease alone.You left us so soon because you do not want to be a burden to me and daddy.And I know the reason behind all these is due to your love for us.
However, I had to disagree with your way of showing your love.Keeping silent is by far not a good way of showing your love. Communication is. Love is kept alive through communication, be it verbally or non-verbally.Do you know that it hurts me badly everytime I know that early detection for your disease is guaranteed an almost 100 percent cure? The words, " if only I knew earlier" haunt me everyday.
But, mummy, please do not misunderstand me. I do not mean to blame you for I know the reason you kept silent.I just want to let the rest know that if you have a problem, please do not keep it to yourself. Share with those you love and trust. I am pretty sure they would want to know what s bothering you. Trust me, being able to share the problems of your loved one is definitely one of the greatest joy. Please do not wait till it s too late. Time waits for nobody. But love conquers all.
And so my friends, what s the true meaning of love for you?
Missing you so very much,
Agnes
Tuesday, June 07, 2005
Foreword: Things that I thought you guys would want to know
Before I continue, I thought I should just say a few words, or mabbe more than a few words to explain the motivation and purpose of my blog. Firstly, this blog is especially dedicated to my beloved mummy who has recently left this world as you would have already known if you have read my first entry.
Ever since she was diagnosed with cancer, I had this idea of sharing my life with her through blogging when the time came that she had to leave me. I would think that she would pretty much want to know what has happened to me since she left and I thought that writing my thoughts online would be a pretty good way to tell her everything.
Though she might not understand English very well, I am sure that my thoughts transcend all languages and she somehow would know.Not only do I hope that my message can reach her, I also wish to share my little wisdom which I have gathered from this experience, to all of you out there. Hopefully, it will make a difference in the way you view things and people around you.
Lastly, thanks for reading!
P.S: Pardon me if my language is not up to your standard. You can't expect much from a person who has gotten a C5 for her GP ^__^. But you can expect her to gradually improve. So feel free to leave any comments on anything. I would love to share your thoughts.
Saturday, June 04, 2005
Eulogy:The Final Journey, The Final Words
"All endings are also beginnings.
We just don't know it at the time..."
Mitch Albom@ the five people you meet in heaven
It s weird to start a blog with an ending, an ending to life-an eulogy. Alas an ending is purely just the start of a whole new beginning. Life is a continous cycle.You will never know when it starts, nor will you know when it will end. For my mum, it ended on a peaceful Sunday morning when a brand new day awaits the rest of the world.
Eulogy: The Final Journey, The Final Words
Dear Mummy,
You.The one I love the most. The one who I know that loves me back with the same intensity if not more. I love you, Mummy more than words can say.
Being on the last journey with you was one of the most memorable period of my life.It is such a life changing experience that my life is never ever gonna be the same again.Taking care of you has never been a chore, I swear though I know you blame yourself for being a burden to us.I am really thankful that I had a chance to take care of you, a duty which I should have done more.
It has been exactly two weeks since we have said goodbye and I miss you terribly every moment since then.I used to think that I had long forgotten many things. Never did I know that they are just hidden deep inside my mind. With your departure, the memories are unlocked and they overwhelm me to the point of suffocation.
Your ever giving love towards me is a gift which I will never forget. To you, I know I am your everything. But I bet you never know that you are my everything too. And that s the reason why I can't help crying even when I know I shouldn't.
Your final words to me were, " Do not cry" and I know you meant to tell me to be strong. Now, I am telling you that, " I will be strong and I will be living well not only for my own sake but for you and for those around me who I love dearly as well." Gone will be the thoughts of dying when you were not around for I know the sorrow of the departure of a loved one and I would never want to inflict this kind of sorrow on those still around.
You made me realize that life's really short, and sometimes I really wish mine was as short too so that I could meet you then in the other world. However, I know I shouldn't think this way. Somehow, someday, somewhere I know I would see you again and goodbye would just seem to be like yesterday.
And so before I see you again, I will be making the most of my life, making sure that I will fulfil all those things that you would have wanted me to do and most importantly keeping you deep inside my heart. Your love, generosity, determination and strength will continoue to live in me.
I know, you will definitely be one of the five people I will meet in heaven for you have made a difference in my life. I am everything I am because you love me. Thanks, Mummy.
Till we meet again,
Agnes
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