6 years on...

Dear Mummy, 
How have you been? 
It has been a long 6 years, isn't it?
You must have thought I have forgotten you.
No, you are wrong.
I have just forgotten about this blog but not you.
Never will I forget you, even if I were to have dementia.
I will always remember the beautiful times we spent together.

It has been an eventful 6 years I must say.
Having gone through even more ups and downs in my life, I think the photo above reflect perfectly how I feel these days.
As calm as the still water.
As peaceful as the sun.
As free as the bird.
I am at ease finally, at least for now.

"Instead of being ashamed of what you have been through, be proud of what you have overcome" - Dr Phil.

How apt.
I have been ashamed. I really have been, for not being able to manage my emotions.
This timely reminder has come in the right time to give me courage to face what I have been through.
And to give myself a pat on the shoulder.

I dare not say I have overcome all.
But at least I did come a Long way.
With age catching up, I have slowly but surely understand how the body breaks down without control.

Come it may be, treasure each day as it is.
With no regrets.

I have been donating money on your behalf via 

carousell.com/mumlittleshop 

It is with the wish that with accumulated good merits, you will be able to attain enlightenment and be free from sufferings.
I know you are in a better place.
I know you are able to read this.
In this vast internet world, there is a part of you looking down on me and my letter to you.

I love you and I will always do.

With love, 
Agnes


P.S: I will starting on a journey around the world. Will definitely share my experiences with you. For the adventures that we could have spent together, now I bring you along in my adventures...

A Crazy Idea

Dear Mummy
Pls allow me to borrow your space for a while to grieve for yet another important loss in my life.
I am going to write to him like how I write to you.
Writing has been a good source of grieving for me.

Dear Ah OO,
You are an octopus and oyster true and true.
Breaking so many hearts and closing your heart so tight
You think you are right. I think you are wrong too.
I thank you for your time and willingness to spend your time with such a tut tut like me.
To me you will always be put put lots of shit. And I will always be tut tut full of slugs.
For the million sake, pls refrain from your frivolous ways, misleading and seducing ladies and then finally breaking their hearts.
You must have rejected 2ooo ladies thus far, given your most recent track record of more than 15 girls in 2 years.
Seriously, what is so good about you? And can you say true to your heart that you have not done anything wrong or misleading? It may not be the words, but the actions too.
By allowing and being so intimate physically with ladies, do you consider yourself as a prim and proper gentleman?
Perhaps thats why ladies like bad boys don't they? Just like you.
Sometimes I really find that you are such a jerk. Sometimes when my anger subside, I know you are not at fault. It has been mutual.
You are a nice man with a good heart. But you are a pretty good heart breaker. Looking out for preys..or preys just fall into your hands of the predator easily.
I must have been the stupidest prey of all. Easy feat ah?
So happening just like a drama serial....
YOU ARE A JERKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK emo state again..
Thats all the ventilation for now.

Hate you,
Agnes

Twenty years later...

Dear Mummy,

It has been an eventful 2 years since I last wrote in...
It is really the spur of the moment that I have decided to write in after so long...
Not sure what have been stopping me...laziness I presume
And I guess I m just too bored and too lonely these days to the extent that I think you are the best person to talk to now...

I have been running away, living in a dream. I still am.
When will be the day I start to come back to reality and face my own worst fears?
Twenty years later?

Someone important told me that I may not remember him twenty years down the road...
Will I forget him? I really do not know. It has been hard forgetting the memories.
Really haunting.......
Time they say will dilute everything even memories.
I agree..cos it happened to you. Worst, my memory is poor.
So most likely it will happen to him too.
No one can be with you forever, except yourself and your breath would be your closest friend.

I have learnt but not well enough.
Some things are just not meant to be, no matter how much you want it.
It may not be even if you have gotten it.
Just like you, gone with the wind just like that.
People come, people go. One day I will go too. To where? To you?
Looking back, I have been silly. But I have been a silly happy fool.

A deep void remains. Nothing seems to be able to fill it.
What could it be? Where could it be? How could I find it?
Death sometimes seems like a pretty nice release. An end to all questions and a definitive closure to the possibilities. A beginning in its end.
Quite a radical thinking. But I m so looking forward to growing old, a step closer to death. My goal in life.

Twenty years later, I hope I can forget him but still remember you. He is just a passer by in my life. I realize the best way is to take it that he s dead. And it is impossible for anything to happen cos he s DEAD. It s so hard to even be friends. So I guess I better just let it be. Best not to have any contact. Given my small brain, I should be able to forget soon.

Anyway, things have changed. He has moved on and I have to too..just a bit slower. He s always so fast, while I am always so slow. He s so smart, with such a bigger brain than mine, while I am always a TUT TUT to him. He has so much world experience, while I am only living in my own small world. He is able to let go just like that, while I always linger on. He s so fierce, while I am so meek. We are just worlds apart.

I used to think, perhaps we could complement each other. I was wrong.
I used to think, perhaps the feeling I felt was real and full of possibilities. I was wrong.
I used to think, perhaps he is the only one. I was wrong.
I used to think, perhaps if I persevere and try hard enough, we could be together. I was wrong.
I used to think, perhaps we could still be friends and maybe even good friends. I was terribly wrong.
I used to think, perhaps he would be there for me always. I was terribly wrong too.

I was wrong, wrong, wrong and wrong.....

But one thing I was right is that I asked for it.
Every love song seems to be singing my sadness, every couple on the street seems to be amplifying my loneliness, every little thing seems to remind me of you...
I begin to wonder if I can find such happiness again. I begin to wonder if I want to have this kind of sadness again. It s a package isn't it? I am lost. I do not know what I want. To have someone or not..or better with myself?
Can someone else replace you?
Never imagine it would be so hard...but with each passing day, it gets easier.

Twenty years later, where would I be? Where would you be?
Twenty years later, I hope I can be somewhere far far away, with my camera in my hand and your face gone from my mind.
One step closer to mummy, million steps away from you and a few more steps away from death.

Wishing you Mr M , her Ms S and Little Cute Boy all the very best. May she be the one who can spend the rest of the life with you. It has been a long long road for you.
Wishing myself all the very best too.

Twenty years later, 47 years on earth. Sending this letter to myself, aged 47.
Mother of 2, a girl and a boy. Happily married. Housewife.
Or Swinging single, roaming around the world, visiting all the buddhist sites, taking all the beautiful photos, gaining more and more depth into life.

So exciting! to see how life may unfold.

Thank you Ms K, Ms J, Ms L esp Ms K for all the support. Sorry to have bothered you so much and holding on to you.

TWENTY YEARS LATER?

A New Year, A New Start, A New Beginning

"With every end comes a new beginning"

Dear Mummy,

It s 2008. I have to keep reminding myself that another year has come...that every second I am getting older and nearer to you.

Sorry for forgetting you sometimes, and that I only remember you when I needed someone. It s very selfish of me. But you are always in my heart. ok? Pls dun be angry, k? I love you and I will always do.

Recently I have been to an overseas mission trip. It was great! I have learned alot and grew a lot, and hopefully I can have the willpower to make a positive change in my life now. The kids are so innocent and adorable, with a heart so pure. Compared to them, I realized I have become so much complicated, no longer the simple me. I guess complication is much needed for survival in such a complicated world.

Such a simple world there has made me want to keep the simplicity of myself with me no matter what. And truly simplicity is happiness. Contentment is joy. It s the little things that count. Being alive is joy, being able to experience all these is joy, even it may not always be good.
I tell myself that there s always a positive side, no matter how bad things may be. I may be strong but I also need someone by my side. My always "act" strong side has told me, I have failed miserably. I am a human being, not a saint...

The stronger you seem to be, the weaker you may actually seem to be...and it s ok, really to lean on someone sometimes as long as you are willing to reach out..I know someone will be most willing to be there..and from this trip, I have found the courage to do just so...thank you my dear friend for being there with me without judging me.

"The strongest person is the person who knows when to ask for help."

And it s really all in the mind. The past doesnt matter, the future is not here. Why dwell on the unnecessary and miss the most important time NOW. This is really something which I must work hard towards. Whatever will come will be truly stands now as long as you are true to yourself and those around you.

Life has a way of compensating those who have lost something or someone somehow or other.
It always balances out.

Love is illogical. Love is irrational. Love is unconditional. Love is happiness.

Searching for happiness illogically irrationally unconditionally in the new year, a new start, a new beginning.

I know you are waiting for me just out there..every second I am walking nearer to you.

Love you always,
Agnes

P.S: Mummy, give me the strength to stay true to my heart. The power to make the change and the difference. The wisdom to love and give. And one last thing, I wanna tell Daddy that I really love him and for all that he has done for me. No words can describe it. Hugzx.

Fate

"Fate is something least unexpected in the most unexpected situations"

Dear mummy,

I have a feeling you have sent a group of people to prove to me that life s worth living.

It s your way of telling me that life s great, isnt it? especially so for the unexpected people you will meet unexpectedly.

Fate has its way of leading me to them, and you are the one who brought fate to me.

Many of us have been to many trips, been to many tours with tour groups.

But how many of us have come back as great friends with the friendships growing so much so that they are going out of control when they are back.

I have. And let me tell you, it s an amazing feeling. Nothing I have expected.

My feeling after my Tibet trip was that, it was quite boring ,for all we did was visited temples and more than often I am just monkey do monkey say, not really understanding most of the things I did. The things I enjoyed most was the nights when a group will come to our room and we will chat and play.

And the final realization I got was, it must be fate s way of leading them to me. What matters was not then, but the future it brought.

We do crazy stuff, mostly impromptu. Late night suppers at the last minute, visit to Night Safaris, cleaning elderly home, volunteering at tsa tsa making (buddhist offering), organising charity dinner, drinking, singing, dancing, msning and suaning etc.

Two months seems like two years. Unbelievable.

How long will the two years last? I do not know. As they said like fireworks, it s beautiful but it s short lived. Will our friendships continue to grow and bloom? Or can our efforts and common interests make it into wine which will become better with age.

Something is drawing us together v closely and I believe there s a reason for it.

No matter what, like what my friend has said, who cares what the future will bring as long as we treasure each moment we have each other now.

Live each moment to the fullest. Be yourself and embrace all.

Just like we know we are going to die one day, but we still live each day beautifully.

Trust me, it s a great feeling. The feeling of life.

So when fate comes along, hold on to it for as long as possible and let it go when it s time.

I believe in fate. Do you?

Love,
Agnes

P.S: Thanks guys for all the great wonderful memories! I am sure there s more to go. Cant wait to create more =P

Don't ask why. Just do it!

"Don't ask why. Just do it!" by Dr Timothy Sim

Dear Mummy,

Belated Happy Birthday! Seems like I am always late in wishing you happy birthday..haha..but well it s always better to be late than never

My wish for you is that you have already ended your suffering and have reached nirvana where peace may be with you at all times. I know you already have.

Just to share a little bit of what my tutor, Dr Timothy Sim has shared with me and class the other day.


Here goes the little thought provoking story:

Dr Sim has a friend in university who somehow injured himself one day. Being a very concerned friend, Dr Sim quickly ran over to his friend's side. And the first question was : Why did you injure yourself? How did it happen? Why like this? while blood dripped profusely down from his friend's hand.

The immediate reaction from his friend was a furious roar: " Can you please stop asking why? And do sth to my hand?"

Pushing his limits, Dr Sim rebutted and asked " Why are you so furious??"

And without further elaborating, you should know what s the next reaction coming from his friend.

Haha, a funny little inspiring story which jolted me to my senses somehow. We people tend to ask too much whys, and dont do anything about the whys. Linking back to how we were brought up, Dr Sim attributed his behaviour to his upbringing and similarly to quite a number of people.

When a child falls, what the mother would usually do and say would be " Why did you fall down?? Stoopid Stoopid!" and hits the child instead of asking " Are you alright?"

This brings us to the question of whether the reason of happening is that important since that it has already happened, why don't we just do sth about it first before thinking of why.

He furthers talked about introspection and people who are in depression. For they keep introspect themselves and keep asking why which is the main reason for their depression. They lack the courage to change the things they can and the wisdom to accept those things they cant and hence they keep asking themselves why they cant do this, why are they like this etc.

Coincidentally on the day which Dr Sim shared this ancedote, I wrote a list of whys. Why cant I let go? Why am I like this...etc? It quickly brought to my mind that I may be suffering from depression haha..and that quickly reminded me not to ask too much whys and that my unhappiness all these while is related to my "whys" problem.

And so my friend, my new quote in life is " Don't ask why. Just do it"

Whenever you are feeling puzzled over sth, try not to ask too many whys, and think of ways to solve the doubt or problem. Think it will help much better which I am doing right now.

Making an effort to change my thinking and lifestyle. Towards my goal.

Love,
Agnes

A Guest Speaker

A very good evening to all of you.

It is with my utmost pleasure to welcome you guys to the talk today.

We are very honoured to have with us here today Miss Tan from i-GAP, which means inter-generational affinity project. Or in short, I-Bridge-the Gap who will share with us her experiences volunteering with the elderly.

To elaborate a little further, i-GAP is made up of a group of committed volunteers who aims to bridge the gap between the elderly and youth by organising various activities for the elderly. For example, outings, exercises and also painting and cleaning for the elderly homes.

Miss Tan has been with this group for a period of 2 years whereby she started out as a volunteer and now a committee planning team member.

Motivated by her great interest in gerontology and disability, she is currently pursuing a graduate diploma in social work in NUS. Being a compassionate and purpose driven person, she hopes to contribute more and better to the area of gerontology.

Personally from what I know about her, she is a person who is open to suggestions, someone who is very keen to learn, someone who is more than willing to help anyone to her best abilities. A very mild tempered and patient person, you can be sure she is the best person to talk to when you are feeling upset. She will listen to whatever you have to say.

But for now, let us listen to what she has to say.

A round of an applause for Miss Tan.

__________________________________________________________________

Any yes guys, the Miss Tan is none other than me,myself and I. Miss Agnes Tan Meijing

My lecturer did this exercise in class on Monday and asked all of us to introduce ourselves from a third party point of view. You have to sell yourself like how you would sell a guest speaker to your audience. Say all the good points about the person so that the audience will feel that they have not wasted their time to come for the talk.

I had trouble with it. Instead of saying my good points, I just talked about the activities I have joined and my past history as in where I graduated from and where I worked at previously...etc etc.

She also said something about knowing your strengths so that you can build on them. It is only by knowing your strengths before you can improve on your weaknesses as well. And that all these lie in self responsibility on whether you want to improve or not. We all have a choice, it s just a matter of whether we want to live with what we have or change it. If it is the former choice, then dun complain and live with it. If it is the latter, then make the effort to change it. Nobody can change it except you. We have the power to control our own lifes, and not leave it all up to fate.

As usual practice, let me end off with a quote :

"Change those things which you can and accept those you cant. "

Friends out there, do me a favour.. Drop me a few comments on my strengths will ya? so that I can know myself better. Try asking your other friends about your strengths too and you will realize you are actually not such a bad person afterall =)

Cheers,
Agnes

After a long hiatus...

"To have eyes and fail to see..." Helen Keller

This was what Helen said when asked what could be the worst calamity to befall on any human beings. What say you?

Dear mummy,

It has been a LONG, long, LONG while since I dropped by here. Almost one year has passed and this year it is the second year since you have left.

Time does heal but never fully. A few things happened and jolted my memories of you.

Recently I have been bogged down by my own self esteem problem. Something which I am not sure whether you knew when you were still alive. It has always been a problem which I am trying to rectify and something which I have hopes of overcoming soon.

I know it s never easy to change, especially it has been me like this ever since.... I cant remember when. Reflection is an important aspect to assess whether you have changed and most important is whether you have the discipline to reflect and the discipline to change.

I have reflected and I think the main problem lies with my self discipline. I have always been lazy and you should know this better than anyone (*hiding a guilthy face*). Everytime I made a pact with myself to change, I lacked the discipline to make it happen.But I am not going to give up. And now it is the time I give myself another chance. Slowly I will. Right, mummy?

Mummy, I am back to school again studying something which I don't think you would have agreed to it. Social work. I have always wondered if you were alive, how different my life would have been. I would have found a stable job and work just like that because I would have to have that financial independence to support you and myself.

You have given me more than I have ever given to you, even after you have left for a better world. The money you have left me gave me the best opportunity to pursue what I want. This is one of the best ways which I can ever utilise the money. For the good of myself and the rest who needs it. Help yourself to help others as they said it and I hope one day I would be able to achieve it.

Quite a lot have happened during this year. So much so that I do not know where to start. Mummy, why don't you tell me what you want to know? Or maybe let me guess what you would like to know? My love life???? I can imagine a BIG yes from you hahaha...

Nope, nothing at the moment and not for the near future. Because my main priority is to find back myself during this year. It is a resolution I made and I wish to put all my energy in making it come true. Simply no distractions.

So in the meanwhile, mummy just help me keep a lookout for good candidates and keep them away from me till I am ready k? hahahaha.....Maybe give me an omen when the right one has appeared like maybe drop a stone on my head or something like that. The right one, I deeply believe, will appear when the time is right. And this I know, I will know, something which I firmly believes. Even if he does not appear in this lifetime, I have enough love from people around me to keep me blissed for the rest of my life.

Relationships are not just for the sake of companionship but the mutual love that exists and that mummy doesnt come easy. Idealistic it is, and it should never succumb to reality.

Ok, let me just give you a brief account on what have happened for this past year. I have recently been to Tibet, the holy land. Standing high up, I feel so much closer to you. Feeling that you are just looking upon me, peeking behind the clouds right there at the corner and protecting me against all possible dangers. I have gotten to know a few friends and that was I think the best gifts from the trip. How fates are interwined and how every trip brings another trip along with them.

Today, I just came back from Kukup, a fishing village in Malaysia. Truly, it is the companionship that counts. Sometimes it doesnt matter where you go, it s the people you are with. This can never be more true for this trip. So dear igapians, thanks for the wonderful memories...the fireworks are fanatistic! Mummy, did you see them?

Coming Dec, I will be going to Mynamar and all for a good cause. Finally fulfilling a dream since 4 years ago. A YEP project. Excited for it. Please give me the strength to contribute and not to be a burden.

I have been exploring Buddhism and its way of philosphopy. Interesting it is, but complicated still. To me, it is a way of living more than a religion. Religion it is called due to convenience and convention. I believe it is all in the heart and not really in the things you do, though some aid in the spiritual development. Somehow I believe, it can help me to become more focused and to be a better person so that one day I can free the 'me' in me. And you will agree to it, won't you?

It doesnt feel any much better to have goals and dreams in life. I am glad I have found a direction in life. Unsure I still may be at times, but if you never try you will never know right. And dear agnes, just for once try to shake your ego aside, forget about what people thinks, and have more confidence, will ya? I am sure you will be much better off.

I am so longwinded!!!!!! Suddenly I do not know what else to write. I always repeat what I say...so sianzx hor..hahahaha. Ok just let me end off with the quote I have started.

To have eyes and not to see.
To have ears and not to listen.
To have brain and not to think
To have heart and not to feel.
So have you been seeing, listening, thinking and feeling? Or have you forgotten what they are?

With love,
Agnes

P.S: Dear mummy, hopefully my next entry will not be another year later. Will try my best to visit you soon again. Cannot be lazy le! But most importantly it is to have the mood to write. Just hope my mood will be there.