"The grief continues..."
Dear Mummy,
Is that you? Recently I have been seeing a lot of moths, all around me. It was said that the souls of the dead will rest in moths whereby they will fly back to visit their loved ones.Indeed, I heard stories of such cases and more than often I would shrug it off, thinking that all are mere coincidences.
However, today, I would like to take back my words. Perhaps, it is true and such incidents are not exactly coincidences. For me, I have been seeing them at the most unexpected places, at the stairways to my ah ma's house, at my office which is at 14th level and at my kitchen just now. The most bizarre incident of which was the one which happened at my kitchen. It is as if you are playing now you see it, now you don't.
I was taken aback when I went to the kitchen just now as the moth, a relatively big one just flew out of nowhere and rested on the wall. In a split second, it was gone. Deep down, somehow I felt it was mummy coming back to visit me as she knows I am not feeling good these few days.
These past few days, I have been feeling rather moody and have been constantly thinking of mummy. Tears keep welling up in my eyes and I kept swallowing them down. It was an awful feeling and the only thing that I wanted to do, was to wait for the time to go home and cry it out. Right here, right now, I am crying..and more than often, when I was writing the rest of the entries, I was tearing as well. I can't control my mind and lest my emotions. I can't stop thinking and I can't stop crying.There are times which I really feel I could not take it anymore. How I wish I could end everything.
I know I have to be strong. Many of my friends said I was strong. But then, it is not that I am strong but it is just that I have been dealt with this situation and I have no choice but to deal with it this way or that way. It is either I wallow in my despair or I just brave it through.
Having to be strong pressurizes me a lot because I have to be tough. I find it hard to tell my friends about my feelings because I don't think they can ever understand how I feel. And I do not want them to feel troubled, thinking of how to console me. And so, I speak it through here.
I am actually afraid that one day, I would just break down and sink into my own world. I do not know if I have been keeping too much to myself.I do not know how to stop my tears. Every little thing affects me.
My low self-esteem problem is coming back again. I remembered that mummy used to say I am very muddleheaded and I can't do things properly. Indeed, I do feel so too. In actual fact, I think I am quite slow in catching up with stuff. I do not know if it is a self fulfilling prophecy. I am really quite blur at times and can get easily distracted. Knowing this, I tried my best to improve but sometimes, the more pressure you feel, that more you can't do it.
I know you guys will say that, I am not and that I shouldn't feel this way.
But I have been told off too many times that I can' help but feel this way.
I just want to to let all of you know, I am trying hard to be a better person. Please give me your tolerance.
There is no one I can depend on but me myself. That is how I tell myself to be independent. Everyone has their own lifes and own personalities. Do not expect them to be always understanding to you. So no matter how unhappy I am,I am going to somehow deal with it myself. There is no choice but for me to walk down this road. Nothing is ever going to take me down!
Feeling alone,
Agnes
"Where are you, mummy?"
1 comment:
Apologies for pressuring you. I guess partly is also due to a bad incident I have, where someone once claims to be ok, which I chose to believe at that time, and later it turns out that she is not, resulting in things getting blown out of proportion. After which, I told myself never to be so naive anymore.....
But then, as a friend, the only thing I can do is to offer you my help. It's really up to you to whether or not you want to accept this help. Even though I might not agree with what you are doing, but as a friend, I'll still be there to support you.
I guess one of my greatest weakness is being too soft. If you say you are ok, I'll believe your words, even though I think you are not. I choose to believe the words that you say rather than my perception.
Being strong takes many forms. Being able to accept the reality and face it is one form. Feeling sad and down at times is not a form of weakness, neither is crying; it's just being human. It's ok if you falter in the process. It doesn't matters how many times you fall, so long as you are able to pick yourself up each time.
Don't think yourself as a burden to your friends. That's what friends are for. Friends are there to listen. I feel that sometimes friends don't need to understand what you are talking about, sometimes it's just having someone to talk to.
"There is no choice but for me to walk down this road." True, but you have the choice to do it alone or not....
Just remember, I'll be there if you ever need any help.
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