What s now?

Dear Mummy,

I am getting used to having you not being around, used to being alone at home, used to doing a lot of things myself....Time really flies, yet sometimes it seems to stand still. Once a while, I still cant really bring myself to accept the fact that you are really gone. Once a while, I will think that I am still in a nightmare and one day I would just wake up and you will be here again.

Yes, that s me, the silly me. Deep down, I know it is impossible. Most of the time, I still miss you a lot. And most of time, I keep wondering how you are and whether you will know I miss you a lot. Time does'nt heal, it just lessen the pain.

I havent been visiting this place for quite some time. You might be wondering how I have been, havent you? I am sorry for neglecting you. There s really a lot I wanna tell you, just that I do not know where to start. And also, I guess I am just not in the mood to write until now.

Life has been kinda of stress free, except like I have said about the part on missing you dearly. I am still working as a temporary staff at MCYS. The people there are really nice and don't worry about me being bullied. I remembered how you used to tell me about how you had to endure your unkind colleagues and I guess it s from you that I have come to realize that a good working environment is very important. Come to think again, if you were still around (something which I always imagine), you would most probably nag me to find a permanent job.

Seriously, I do not really know what I want. I think I know what I want. But yet, I do not know if that is really what I want and if I am able to do it. But well, I guess I would not think so much and follow my heart to pursue what it says. So yes, I am intending to go back to school, but on a part time basis. Alas, it depends on whether I can get into the course which has stringent selection criteria. I cant remember if I have told you which course it is, but well, it is the graduate diploma in social work. I guess I just do not want to just work for the sake of working. I want to work in a job that I find meaning in and a job that I love, knowing that I would spend many years working (I hope * meaning hopefully I will not die too soon and hope not *meaning hopefully I may marry into a rich's man family and become a tai tai)

Yes, and so I will try, no matter whether I get in or not. At least I tried right?

Oh yah, actually being alone isnt such a big deal..having survived through 3 days of being alone at home. Actually it doesnt make much difference whether daddy is around. I realize that whenever we are at home, we seldom talk to one another too. Well, our relationship did improve a bit, having talked a little more, but I guess it s still hard for me to talk a lot to him and to totally open up to him for he s more reserved. Our relationship has always been a solemn one, as you have known. Sometimes I guess I have really gotten over your departure and accepted this fact and things just don't affect me that much. Sometimes, I just cant.

For example, your ex-colleague called you the other day when daddy was not around. She asked for you, and I said you are not in. She asked me if you are still at work and I mumbled yes..after contemplating for a while. And she asked me to ask you to call her back and gave me her numbers. All this while, I have been thinking of whether to tell her the truth, cos you would never be able to call her back. In the end I didnt. Yes, I lied to avoid the awakard situation that I would face whenh the truth is being told. Well, I felt bad after that, and hated myself for being such a coward. In short, I conclude that I just cant accept the fact that you are gone. If not, I would have frankly told her the truth.

Well, she called again. This time, I decided to tell her the truth. She was shocked, just like some of the others when I have told them about you. The usual questions came, like when did that happen and how did you die, etc. She told me to take care....and..I cant remember.

I lied another time when I went to take my graduation shot. It took me a lot of courage or maybe not so much, to go and take the photo myself. Everyone came with their family and I seem to be the only one alone. That was when the makeup auntie start to ask me about my family. She asked why I did not want to take a family photo, asked why my mother was not here ,asked why she did not take leave to come and take a photo with me and asked me what s the job that my mum was doing. That was the last question that I was stumped. As the saying goes," You would need more lies to cover up just one lie you make" How true it is, and that was how I felt at that moment. I just couldnt make up any more lies and thus chose to ignore.

Yes, I have taken my photo, just cos I thought I should and not that I want to. I will show it to you another time.

Anyway, the festive period is round the corner and I really cant imagine how I can spend chinese new year without you. I really wanna go somewhere far away during that period. But I just cant find anyone to accompany me. I know it may sound like I am hiding but I just cant bear it without you yet. Guess I need more time. Maybe I shall go alone? But that would be so boring. Maybe I should just stay at home. But that would be equally boring. I do not want to go to ah yi's place this year, not without you. I do not know about the year after or next. But for now, I know I still do not want to. Please tell me what I should do? It seems like staying at home would be the best option now, as going overseas would mean leaving daddy alone cos I do not reckon that he would want to go anywhere or mabbe I should ask him to double check. So should I follow my heart and go somewhere or should I just be practical and stay at home? What do you think? Perhaps give me a sign?

Oh yah, but the way, daddy has repainted (halfway) your room to a lime green color. It looks really nice. And also, I have repaid almost all the debts, including ah yi's one whereby she has called just recently to ask for it.

Meanwhile, I guess I could still live on bravely. And I do believe that I might even live on quite happily without you. So I am still waiting for the someone to bring that kind of happiness into my life and I fervently hold on to the faith that one day my prince charming will come riding on his white horse. Maybe, in the meantime, you could help me search for him and if it s possible, bring him to me soon? Though I feel that I could still live on quite happily on my own, I guess all girls still do somehow yearn for that special someone. My criteria is actually very simple- which is for me to like him and for him to like him...But that itself I guess it s already very hard..Yah..yah yah...I know you will start telling me not to be so fussy. As long as there s somebody who likes you will do...But that s the problem..No one does! Haha.. I rather not have if I do not like him back in return. Simply managing the situation is already a big headache.

Well, I think I have updated you on almost everything. Till I remember whatever that I have missed out, I will drop by again.

Take care, mummy!

Love you as always,
Agnes

P.S : Btw, mummy, I have recently watched a Taiwanese Serial Drama titled Wang Zi Bian Qing Wa. Think I am going ga-ga over it just like what I used to be during the F4 craze. I must tell you this..Ming Dao aka Dang Ou aka Shan Junhao aka the main lead in the show is sooooooo cute and charming....haha.. ok..I am back to my silly days of idolising. Well, who cares...as long as I am happy! haha..just please stop me from buying too many of his things. Save money! Yep that s right..my new hobby these days. Haha. Save money.. Yah..yah...I bought a saving plan from DBS too and daddy has bought another plan...Cool! I derive a high sense of satisfaction in keeping my finance in control and the main reason which I am able to make ends meet is the money you left me. Thanks, mummy! I will try my best to use it wisely ^___^ Oops, I have started blabbering...kk..shall end here.