A Brand New Start...

Dear Mummy,

My guardian angel. How have you been? I know you are here and always will be, deep down in my heart. I can no longer remember your voice, but memories of you are still vivid. I just want to tell you I love you and always will.

Recently, I started to think about you more again. Started to think how life would be different if you were still around. Would I still be where I am today? Would I still have the guts to venture into something unknown? Would I still have the passion to want to pursue my dream?

Somehow I feel, the answer is no. Cos for you, I will give up everything, even it means giving up my dream. I will go and find a job and work like everything else. Earn a living and provide for you so that you need not work anymore. If you are still around, you would also definitely to find a good job and find a good man as well.

Basically, now I make my own decisions (though I have always done that haha even when you are around). But now, I feel that I am really living for my own sake, not for whoever. Life has just started, if you ask me. I am not studying/working cos, everybody says you have to study to earn a good degree, then find a good job and earn lotsa of money, live a good life. I am doing what I want, and not cos of what 'everybody' has to say.

We live a life, dictated by the norm. Going against the norm means sometimes hurting the people you love most. For now, the two people matter most would be my dad (technically) and my ah ma. Actually I seldom talk to my dad, though I try. He s just too cold sometimes. Can you imagine talking to someone who doesnt always answer you? I might as well talk to myself. Actually my ah ma will not understand even if I explain to her, but I will try.

At the end of my life journey, I want to be able to answer to myself. I want to tell you, Mummy, that I have lived a worthy life, a life I am proud of. Even if the world doesnt understand me, I will stand by my dream. Sacrifices are inevitable, but the least I will try is to at least be able to feed myself. I know this is the best time now, with no committments. Daddy can still afford to survive on his salary while ah ma still has the rest to fall back on. I know I am being selfish, but give me a chance to pursue my dream. I want to fly!! (not literally). And so I m quitting my comfort zone, and venturing into the unknown. (secret)

A fact which I learnt these few months is that I can only depend on myself ultimately. Not friends, and sometimes not even family members. I have learnt to be more independent, given no choice. I have to be strong. People around you can only help you that much, and the rest is up to you. A few disappointments made me realize expectations are the source of disappointments. I have tried to push the disappointment away but to no avail. I am merely a human being, not a saint, no matter how much I can I understand you guys dun mean it.

A friend of mine, cant understand why I want to volunteer so much. In fact, I think she feels that I overdo it sometimes. Too much too that she feels 'fake'. That was roughly what she told me last year. This year, once again, she said that ' isnt it a irony that your volunteer work has cause you no time to meet your friends?' I was hurt the both times, but I appreciate her frankness. It is times like this, that you feel that you are alone in your pursuit. It is times like this that I feel that I have to be strong.

I was disappointed. Isn't volunteer work the string that pulled us together in the first place?

Another friend of mine, someone who I value a lot, asked me out for a date that day. I was pretty excited as I had something I wanted and needed to buy, and of cos to meet up with her. It was at last minute that she said she couldnt make it, with no explicit reason stated, just that she has something on. Or maybe cos I didnt ask. Then, I went alone. Lonely I was, but it s just something I have to go and do it myself, though it s actually nothing much, just shopping alone.
It was then that I thought of you mummy. You are always there for me, no matter what. It was then I realized there was no one I can turn to except myself.

I was disappointed. But I understand you are busy. Hence, my faith in our friendship sort of falters.

A few of friends had said they are going for a fundraising hike on sunday. On the day itself, one smsed me and said he overslept. And later on, a few others said they werent coming. One overslept, one without reason, one was sick and another one just didnt feel like coming I guess.
For those who came, I really appreciate it. They said, they came cos they gave me 'face'. But to me, it means much more. It is your way of showing me you support me. The encouragement is enough to overshadow my disappointment.

I was disappointed. But I was glad too. I had fun and hope you guys had too. I understand too, that those who didnt turn up had their reasons for I too have a fair share of 'flying people aeroplanes'. And so to the sunday's hike : There was falling rain, falling trees and falling in love too! (but not me k!)

If you are reading this, there are just a few things which I would like to say to you. Somethings which I have been trying to keep within myself for the fear of saddening you. But I know that should not be the reason why I should not tell you how I feel. To date, I have grown used to having buy one, get one free. Though on a few days, I do feel like an outcast. I know you guys do not mind me being there. But I mind. Though you tried to engage me in conversations, I just dun like participating, cos I was being wilful and feeling weird. I must say though, not everytime I feel that way, just once or twice. Actually I do not agree with your way of love. Possessiveness.
To some, it may be the best love that one can have. But to me, it means losing more than gaining more. But I understand, once again that that s you. And I am just me.

I cannot remember the last time when I was with you, without him. Truthfully, I do not know how I would be if I am with you, just the two of us. So long ago. I know you value me a lot, so do I. My mum once said that if you ever will to get a boyfriend, you will forget me. Thankfully, it did not happen. Instead, we have one more person together in this friendship. I do sincerely wish you guys happiness. But sometimes you really think too much. Happiness is in your own hands. Fight for it, no matter what the odds are.

I am disappointed too, that you didnt show enough support for my 'dream' when I asked you to come for the hike and the open house. I understand that you have your own reasons but I cant help feeling that way too. Well, I shadnt complain too much too, cos I didnt attend your convo too.

And so I was disappointed. But I am excited too, for the totally brand new start which I will have come mid august. I have tendered my resignation, awaiting my last day. Finally saying goodbye to comfort. These days have been quite 'terrible' for me, with absolutely no mood to work. Today has been no exception as well. I took off, went to market with ah ma, made soon kueh, ate lotsa of my fav vege, slept the whole afternoon and managed to secure some extra income through auctions and surveys. What a relaxing day!

Looking forward to a small getaway in Malaysia. Looking forward to what come may.

Indulging in the new possibilities,
Agnes

P.S : To all those whom I have mention in this blog, I do not mean to berate any of you guys. It is just my way of letting out my emotions. Too much emotions bottled up is not good. Anyway you guys may not read it too. To me, you guys are still all my valued friends!!! Without friends, I am nothing really. Just that, I have to be independent when the need comes.