Tension of Opposites

" Happy or Sad. Can I be both?"


Dear Mummy,

Yesterday was convocation day. My graduation which you fervently wish to go, yet can't. I remembered vividly how you told me you wanted very much to go. In an attempt to console you, I said we could always make special arrangements for you to go and in the end I just ended by shrugging it off, saying I don't really want to go anyway.

Indeed, I did not really want to go when mummy was still in bed then. I can't really find any meaning in going anyway since the person who wanted to go the most couldn't. Alas, I went yesterday mainly because I know she wanted to go. I just had to go to fulfil one of her last wishes.

I wasn't proud of myself for being able to complete my studies, many others did too. I travelled the road much travelled and graduated like the many others. What was different was that unlike many, mummy wasn't there. Studies was one of the contributing factors for my stress and withdrawal back then which ultimately clouded my vision and causing my neglect for mummy. That was the reason why I wasn't so proud of my studies. If I have a choice, I rather have mummy than being able to graduate.

Mummy, you have endured so much to bring me up, yet you could not witness the result you worked so hard for.I am sad, but I tried not to think about it. Though daddy and ah ma were there, somehow I don't feel that they really wanted to go. Maybe just because I asked them to go. Maybe I should not be so prejudiced in my thinking. Maybe they did want to go, just that they did not say it out like you did.

I felt lost today, not once but twice. I was frustrated, irritated, sad, glad, and angry. Mixed feelings I would say. Something that is getting worse, I feel. I think I am going mad soon with this whirlwind of emotions constantly chasing me. The opposites of emotions and the swings of these emotions are stifling. I have never been happier, yet I have never been sadder. I have never been more alive, yet I have never felt more like dying.

Let me just start off with today's events, just to provide a little more insights on my feelings. It started with me and daddy going to HDB to sign the new title deed. You said to me previously that we could shift out of our present house if it s a little too big for the two of us when you left. Stupidly, I went to answer, yah I have thought of it too. On recollection, I felt that was really insensitive of me to say that. Mummy, I am sorry. I should not have said that for somehow it would have meant that I had speculated your death.

Well, mummy, as far as I am concerned now, I am not going to move out of this house. It is a place that we have spent most of our time together. It is a place where you will always live. And for that, the house signifies our relationship, in the past, present and in the future.

Next, we went to PS. Now that, I am managing the finances, I realize how hard it was for you then to start writing cheques towards the end of the month. I vividly remember the last time you sat at the dining table, writing those cheques before you fell too ill to write. I took over and I was quite irritated over it. I never used to like to manage finance, but now I have to and I am beginning to like it. So here we are at PS, intending to pay our property tax cos I mistakenly thought daddy's POST was my POSB.(Just a note: in case you guys do not know there is no POST at PS). Luckily though, there was a SAM machine and I went to pay payment there.


Meanwhile, I asked daddy to stay as his leg is not well enough for him to walk long distance. By the time I was back, he was gone. I admit I took a longer time to make payment but still, he should have waited for me. I looked everywhere for him, walked at least four rounds the same area. And the worst thing was that his phone was spoilt, or we thought. This is the first time that I felt lost, and frustrated, just like a little kid lost admist the crowd and perhaps looking for something that was not there.

So I gave up in the end and sat at the place I asked him to stay,with my sored feet.We had also initially intended to repair daddy's phone but alas, it was a false alarm. Guess the phone miraculously came back to life again. And then out of nowhere, daddy came out. This time round, since the phone was ok, I told him I am going to buy presents for my friends and asked him to walk around himself and I would call him when I am ready.

Here I went, shopping alone for presents, something quite enjoyable surprisingly. Perhaps I am getting used to being alone. Perhaps I did enjoy the financial independence to a certain extent and that was most probably why I started to liking managing finances. If mummy is around, she would definitely nag me for buying so many presents. She disliked paying for stuff first on behalf of the rest cos she said in the end you will not get the $$ back.

Presents, glorious presents, wonderful presents. I bought a boundful of them. And I was really happy that I managed to buy presents that I think my friends would like.Then my dad called, called to ask if I am going back for lunch. And before I even say goodbye, or state my conclusion the line was cut off. I was irritated. And so I called back again. No answer. No answer. A hello and the line was cut off. No answer. No answer. No answer. I was fed up.

Ok, never mind. I shall continue to shop for presents and I did not let the frustration last for long. I guess the happiness of shopping for presents was much more overwhelming than the frustration. It was a great feeling carrying so many bags full of presents. Well, it was sort of like a shopping spree only that most of the stuff in the bags aren't for me. I just hope they like the presents cos each of the presents has a meaning which I shall explain in an card if I have the time.

Anyways, so in the end, daddy finally called and I finally bought all the presents and so we went home with kueh pie tie for ah ma. It was a mad rush of time after that. Lunch. Call up the insurance company for my group's travel insurance.( This time round I was irritated again, but I shadn't elaborate more, lest I irritate all of you with my numerous irritations today). Iron my heavy and wrinkled gown, my shirt and my pants. Bathe. Make up. Get ready my stuff. Go over to ah ma house to grab a bite.

Then finally I reached school and it was 4.45pm. 15 minutes before I need to be seated in and the best thing is I was not robed yet. And so I went to look for friends, engaged their help or rather my friend mummy's help to put on my gown. ( Well, if mummy was there, I am sure she would ensure that I was properly robed, checked that each strand of my hair was in place and beamed at me with a proud smile). Anyway I took a few photos and rushed down to Nanyang Auditorium where the ceremony was going to be held.

Everywhere you go, everyone you see..all of them were taking photos. Of course, I did too but mostly with my friends' cameras cos I left my camera with daddy. Well below is the only one I took with ah ma and daddy.

Maybe I will edit it one of these days and include mummy in the photos. Then it would seem that she went to. Haha. Self-denial and Self-deceiving.

Anyway the evening went on pretty ok..ily. I was zapped off to the land of Harry Potter whereby all the students were dressed in stupidly stifling and big butterful like gowns and hoods that seem like dowager head's gear in the past dynasty. The speech came, then the names, the photo taking all over again and finally the hide-and-seek again.

I merely went off to grab some food for daddy and ah ma and they were gone again. Maybe it is my fault as I did not spoke loud enough to inform them. Maybe it is just the crowd. I hate the crowd anyway. Told you I did not want to go already. The crowds always stifle me. Well, I went cos it is supposedly once in a lifetime, like marriages. ( Well, on second thoughts, nothing is ever once in a lifetime except your birth and death. You can always go for a post graduate and get married for more than once).

So here Agnes the finder started counting to 100 and went on her search again, with her sored feet. This time round, I became smarter and started calling. No answer. No answer. No answer. Walk around. Look around. Walk around. Fed up. Walk around. Look around. Fed up and threw away the food.Went out. Took off my shoes and sat down. No answer. No answer. No answer. Why won't daddy just call me if he didn't see me? So I did not give up and continued to call. No answer. No answer. No answer.Totally fed up.

K, then finally my daddy called. Found them and hooray, game over.

The only thing left to do then was to get out cos they look bored and hungry and I was irritated. We can always take photos another time. Though deep down, I did wanted to take photos with my good friends but alas, the mood was not right then. To them, I want to say sorry for my abrupt departure and sorry I did not wait for you guys. I have enough of waiting. Let's wait till the gers are back and we will go out one day and take a group photo k?

Anyway off we go, with me a speed that s faster than anyone of them. Ah ma followed and then daddy. I am sorry for walking so fast and made them follow me. I just wanted to get out cos I do not know why I am there anyway, maybe just so not to have any regrets that I did not go for this so called once in a lifetime event. Well, I regretted going anyway.

Along the way, I finally broke down. I cried. Cried without sound so that ah ma and daddy will not detect it. Alas I think they know. But still I am not going to cry openly in front of them. We ate dinner and then went home. I locked myself in mummy's room and fell asleep. And here, I am writing this entry.

My whirlwind of emotions have sort of subsided now aftering lashing all of them out here. Mummy, I am fine for now, I think. Haha. So do not worry about me k. I think I am better off alone. You asked who I will go to when I am down. I answered friends. Now, my answer will be YOU.

Sorting out myself,

Agnes

P.S: Please do not ask if I am ok or not. I heard a thousand if not a million of it. I do not know how to answer a question which I am not sure of. Even if I say I am not ok, there isn't much you can do.I know you care, but just let me be.Treat me the way you used to be, or maybe just a little nicer will do haha. Tension of opposites.