Dear Mummy,
Sorry for not visiting you for so long, though I must say you are still constantly in my thoughts and dreams.
It is coming to one year since you left and the pain still lingers, though I try to forget it.
The reason why I have not been coming here, is that I just don't have the mood to write anything. I don't want to keep dwelling in misery, saying how much I miss you, how much I wish you are, how much life would be different if you were etc. In short, I don't want to be such a whiner, such a crybaby, such a person who just cant get over.
Seems like I didn't succeed. I don't want people to ask, I don't want people to talk about it, yet I have so much bottled up. Guess this is still the place where I can speak freely, hoping you would just listen and not comment. All I want is for you to listen and for me to say.
Maybe, I am just hiding behind your shadow. Not brave enough to walk out myself, to face the weak me. Not determined enough to make any difference, I chose to run away and hide and live each day as it is. Encouragement doesn't really help, cos it cant be sustained. Motivation is a lost word in my dictionary and I cant see my future anywhere.
Yet deep down I know one day, everything will be better as long as I hold on, be it in a sad way or happy way.Many a time, I just really do not know what to do, except just to continue to breathe and hoping the answer will suddenly dawn on me.I know things don't just fall from heaven, and I have to make an effort to make it happen. But I just cant at this moment.
Would you let me just be this way for a while more and not reprimand me for my wilfulness?
