What s now?

Dear Mummy,

I am getting used to having you not being around, used to being alone at home, used to doing a lot of things myself....Time really flies, yet sometimes it seems to stand still. Once a while, I still cant really bring myself to accept the fact that you are really gone. Once a while, I will think that I am still in a nightmare and one day I would just wake up and you will be here again.

Yes, that s me, the silly me. Deep down, I know it is impossible. Most of the time, I still miss you a lot. And most of time, I keep wondering how you are and whether you will know I miss you a lot. Time does'nt heal, it just lessen the pain.

I havent been visiting this place for quite some time. You might be wondering how I have been, havent you? I am sorry for neglecting you. There s really a lot I wanna tell you, just that I do not know where to start. And also, I guess I am just not in the mood to write until now.

Life has been kinda of stress free, except like I have said about the part on missing you dearly. I am still working as a temporary staff at MCYS. The people there are really nice and don't worry about me being bullied. I remembered how you used to tell me about how you had to endure your unkind colleagues and I guess it s from you that I have come to realize that a good working environment is very important. Come to think again, if you were still around (something which I always imagine), you would most probably nag me to find a permanent job.

Seriously, I do not really know what I want. I think I know what I want. But yet, I do not know if that is really what I want and if I am able to do it. But well, I guess I would not think so much and follow my heart to pursue what it says. So yes, I am intending to go back to school, but on a part time basis. Alas, it depends on whether I can get into the course which has stringent selection criteria. I cant remember if I have told you which course it is, but well, it is the graduate diploma in social work. I guess I just do not want to just work for the sake of working. I want to work in a job that I find meaning in and a job that I love, knowing that I would spend many years working (I hope * meaning hopefully I will not die too soon and hope not *meaning hopefully I may marry into a rich's man family and become a tai tai)

Yes, and so I will try, no matter whether I get in or not. At least I tried right?

Oh yah, actually being alone isnt such a big deal..having survived through 3 days of being alone at home. Actually it doesnt make much difference whether daddy is around. I realize that whenever we are at home, we seldom talk to one another too. Well, our relationship did improve a bit, having talked a little more, but I guess it s still hard for me to talk a lot to him and to totally open up to him for he s more reserved. Our relationship has always been a solemn one, as you have known. Sometimes I guess I have really gotten over your departure and accepted this fact and things just don't affect me that much. Sometimes, I just cant.

For example, your ex-colleague called you the other day when daddy was not around. She asked for you, and I said you are not in. She asked me if you are still at work and I mumbled yes..after contemplating for a while. And she asked me to ask you to call her back and gave me her numbers. All this while, I have been thinking of whether to tell her the truth, cos you would never be able to call her back. In the end I didnt. Yes, I lied to avoid the awakard situation that I would face whenh the truth is being told. Well, I felt bad after that, and hated myself for being such a coward. In short, I conclude that I just cant accept the fact that you are gone. If not, I would have frankly told her the truth.

Well, she called again. This time, I decided to tell her the truth. She was shocked, just like some of the others when I have told them about you. The usual questions came, like when did that happen and how did you die, etc. She told me to take care....and..I cant remember.

I lied another time when I went to take my graduation shot. It took me a lot of courage or maybe not so much, to go and take the photo myself. Everyone came with their family and I seem to be the only one alone. That was when the makeup auntie start to ask me about my family. She asked why I did not want to take a family photo, asked why my mother was not here ,asked why she did not take leave to come and take a photo with me and asked me what s the job that my mum was doing. That was the last question that I was stumped. As the saying goes," You would need more lies to cover up just one lie you make" How true it is, and that was how I felt at that moment. I just couldnt make up any more lies and thus chose to ignore.

Yes, I have taken my photo, just cos I thought I should and not that I want to. I will show it to you another time.

Anyway, the festive period is round the corner and I really cant imagine how I can spend chinese new year without you. I really wanna go somewhere far away during that period. But I just cant find anyone to accompany me. I know it may sound like I am hiding but I just cant bear it without you yet. Guess I need more time. Maybe I shall go alone? But that would be so boring. Maybe I should just stay at home. But that would be equally boring. I do not want to go to ah yi's place this year, not without you. I do not know about the year after or next. But for now, I know I still do not want to. Please tell me what I should do? It seems like staying at home would be the best option now, as going overseas would mean leaving daddy alone cos I do not reckon that he would want to go anywhere or mabbe I should ask him to double check. So should I follow my heart and go somewhere or should I just be practical and stay at home? What do you think? Perhaps give me a sign?

Oh yah, but the way, daddy has repainted (halfway) your room to a lime green color. It looks really nice. And also, I have repaid almost all the debts, including ah yi's one whereby she has called just recently to ask for it.

Meanwhile, I guess I could still live on bravely. And I do believe that I might even live on quite happily without you. So I am still waiting for the someone to bring that kind of happiness into my life and I fervently hold on to the faith that one day my prince charming will come riding on his white horse. Maybe, in the meantime, you could help me search for him and if it s possible, bring him to me soon? Though I feel that I could still live on quite happily on my own, I guess all girls still do somehow yearn for that special someone. My criteria is actually very simple- which is for me to like him and for him to like him...But that itself I guess it s already very hard..Yah..yah yah...I know you will start telling me not to be so fussy. As long as there s somebody who likes you will do...But that s the problem..No one does! Haha.. I rather not have if I do not like him back in return. Simply managing the situation is already a big headache.

Well, I think I have updated you on almost everything. Till I remember whatever that I have missed out, I will drop by again.

Take care, mummy!

Love you as always,
Agnes

P.S : Btw, mummy, I have recently watched a Taiwanese Serial Drama titled Wang Zi Bian Qing Wa. Think I am going ga-ga over it just like what I used to be during the F4 craze. I must tell you this..Ming Dao aka Dang Ou aka Shan Junhao aka the main lead in the show is sooooooo cute and charming....haha.. ok..I am back to my silly days of idolising. Well, who cares...as long as I am happy! haha..just please stop me from buying too many of his things. Save money! Yep that s right..my new hobby these days. Haha. Save money.. Yah..yah...I bought a saving plan from DBS too and daddy has bought another plan...Cool! I derive a high sense of satisfaction in keeping my finance in control and the main reason which I am able to make ends meet is the money you left me. Thanks, mummy! I will try my best to use it wisely ^___^ Oops, I have started blabbering...kk..shall end here.

I....m....BACK!

Dear Mummy and Friends,

I am back!!!! I had a long hiatus and finally my mood for blogging is back....

A lot of things have once again happened and my thoughts have wandered...

Let me just sum up my thoughts in a quote,

"Never been happier, never been sadder, never been clearer, never been so unsure..."

Yes, I have been through the happiest and saddest times in this period..And now I have never been so clear of what I want to do and yet I am so unsure of whether I can do it....

Contradictory? Yep, that s life, my friends.

Agnes

Goodbye for now...

Dear Mummy,

Just drop by to say goodbye to you as me, ah ma, daddy and auntie amelia will be leaving for china,beijing tonight and will be back only on the 27th Sep morning. It is starting to get cold in china and hopefully I will get used to the weather there.

Daddy briefly mentioned the china trip you guys went in 1985, just when I was two year old. He said you bought really a lot of things, like little shoes and clothes for me. How I wish I have gone on more trips with you. I will never forget our family trip to Australia, Thailand, and Malaysia for they are the bestest trips in my life.

I shall update you more on our trip when I am back. Maybe I shouldnt say goodbye to you as somehow I feel you are going with us too.

Always in my heart,
Agnes

Contentment

"He is the richest who is content with the least, for content is the wealth of nature."
-Socrates-

Dear Friends,

It has been a while, hasn't it? So many things have happened and I do not know where to start. Perhaps I should start off with my current employment at MCYS which for your knowledge stands for Ministry of Community Development, Youth and Sports and not some motorcyles company which my friend has said.

And for your knowledge, I am now multi-tasking- working and blogging at the same time. I would very much love to concentrate fully on my work but my eyes are failing me, so is my attention span. If you ever have to sort through 200 applications at one go, I believe you would understand my reason for taking a small break in my own world.

Well, perhaps I should share with you some of my working experience and especially to those who are currently on the lookout for job opportunties. Being attached to the HRD and in particular the recruitment side, I have killed almost 100 trees ( I do not know how many trees make up one stack of A4 side papers but roughly about 6 stacks of paper, haha) through printing of all the job applications. Now, I can fully understand why some employers took such a long time to contact you for an interview if you were ever being shortlisted.

There are simply too many applications for one job and simply so many degree holders that I wonder how many are still jobless at the moment. Though the statistics showed that the unemployment rate is going down, I have my doubts about it. Haha. Being skeptical I guess.

Anyway my two cents worth of advice to those job seekers, especially those seeking job in the civil sector. Kindly please fill up your application forms properly, in particular your results section.(So please do not be lazy, though I know it is very tedious having gone through it myself. As the saying goes, "No pain, No gain..Patience is a virtue"

Kindly please do not fake your highest academic qualification as dishonesty is not appreciated. Though one may say results aren't everything, they are the most objective criteria which we, recruiters can look at. Imagine having run through 200 applicantions, and you will understand why. (Ok, I think I have been repeating this quite a few times haha).

Another tip for you is to try to highlight your experience that is most relevant to the job description as stated in the advertisement as we actually based our selection on the criteria stated in the advertisement. ( By right you should know, or by left, you just can't be bothered). Ok, that should pretty sum up my learning points from my job for the moment. Stay tune for the next episode of " Idiot's Guide to Job Application in the Civil Sector" (provided that if I still have any more things to add). Alright folks, till then, good luck in your job hunting!

Work aside, recently I celebrated my 22nd birthday. For that, I did an makeover to mark the start of a new year for me. I shall post some of the photos which I have taken up here once I have decided which photos I want to develop. There are especially many septemeber babies and just last thursday, I went for a shopping birthday spree. I have bought 3 bags, 1 shawl, 1 pouch for all the september babies. In turn, I have received 1 backpack, 1 pouch, 1 bag, 1 big cushion, 1 pair of slippers, 1 bouquet of handmade flowers and 1 message in a bottle. Thank you guys! I love them all ^__^ Your friendship is the greatest gift of all.

Last weekend, I went to help the elderly living in those one room apartments to clean and paint their house. For the first, it was purely interaction and I had a fun time interacting with the ah mas, aunties and uncles. There was a lantern making competition and the theme was the east meet west. Guess what our group made? Two fishes( one goldfish from the east an one blue fish fro the west which signify the elderly and us respectively. In between the two fishes lies a lantern in a heart shape that joins us together.

And the title of our lanterns is he(3) zhuo(4) yu(1) kuai(1) whereby the he we change it to the river the he, and the yu we change it to the fish the yu. Creative right?? haha. Love our lanterns, though I wonder if it can be used. haha. Most probably, it will go up in flames once we light the candles. Anyway the process of making the lanterns was enjoyable though the elderly did not participate a lot. We just chatted with them. For me, it was a mix of chinese, hokkien cum teochew. I am amazed at my knowledge in dialects. I could actually speak in dialect! Though it wasn't perfect, or should I say far from perfect, the most important thing was that the elderly managed to understand me.

There was this ah ma who was very cute who helped me to do the heart lantern. She commented that she did not know how to make lanterns and requested me to teach her. Being an amateur too, I just 'taught' her as much as I could. Along the way we chit chatted and me being the silly me, cracked some lame jokes. She laughed, I laughed, the whole table laughed. And we were very happy making the lanterns. I love being with the elderly for no particular reason, perhaps for the stories they share with us and perhaps for the warmth they extend to us. They were very cordial and keep thanking us.

That was then I felt that I am the richest person in the whole world, not in terms of material riches but in contentment. It is good to know that what you have done is being appreciated by the people around me. And the thing that makes me the happiest is seeing their happy faces. Joy, indeed is contagious.

On the second day, we started work proper. Right from the start of the early morning, we started cleaning and packing ah ma's house. *For your information, ah ma (87 years old, with slight walking disability) lives me her son (60 sth) who is mentally unsound. Her son is particulary conscious about cleanliness and it is said that when a peck of rice is found on his hand, he will quickly go and wash it clean for a good old period of time. Hence, the water bill incurred every month is rather high.* However, during our stint there, we did not notice this situation and hence could not verify if this information is true.

Ah ma's house was packed with a lot of stuff. And an interesting thing was that there was a square piece of cloth being tied to the window. Upon questioning, we realize that it was put there to block the view of some peeping tom living in the opposite block who likes to peer into their house. We kept asking ah ma if we could fix a proper curtain for her but she insisted that it was ok. We asked her if we could throw some of the things away and she insisted that the things still can be used. (Though I have no idea what she could do with empty toilet rolls). She keep telling us to just do a simple job of cleaning up will do and that we do not have to paint the whole house as I think she do not want to trouble us.

Nevertheless being the determined lot, we vowed to do a thorough and proper cleaning and proper job. Never did I imagine that a day's work and with say 7 pple's efforts are neeed to clean and paint a one room flat. For me, I started off with the toilet which is one of the main concerns of the elderly. There were cobwebs all over the ceiling and dried paint can be seen dropping off the ceiling. And.......while I was using the toilet (literally) I spoilt the flush.
And after I spoilt the flush did ah ma came up from the waiting area downstairs to inform me of the proper way to press the flush. AHHhhhh..! Too late. And so another project of fixing the toilet flush was put into place.

The dirt that was being accumulated can only be expressed in two words, " A lot". It seems that they have not been cleaning the place for 10 years. Dust,dirt,cobwebs were everywhere. I do understand that ah ma may have difficulty cleaning up the place and hence we tried our best to get the whole place cleaned and painted.

One thing that I need to mention about the place is their beds and the occupants in their beds which are the bed bugs, in short we call it BB. Just in case you guys have not seen any bed bugs before, it s these small insect like creatures that suck blood from human bodies. Once bitten, your skin will itch and mind you, it is very itchy. To kill the bb we have to either step on them or squeeze them dead with our hands. After much persuasion, we managed to persuade ah ma to change her bed though she initially insisted that it was still relatively new. Upon further questioning then did I realize that her reason for not wanting to change, she thought she has to pay for the new mattress. And so we told her it s free and she finally accepted our offer. And also we changed the curtain for her.

As it was a bamboo curtain which I have bought from Ikea, there were holes in between. Hence when ah ma saw it, she quickly said that she wanted to change back because she thought that the peeping tom would still be able to peer through. However, after much assurance saying that people from the outside will not be able to peer in, she accepted the curtain and then was seen fiddling with the new addition to test the usability of it.

The thing that kept me going, amist my sensitive running nose and headaches (must be too much of the paint), was the wish that ah ma and her son could live in a better environment. And her final thanks.. (gam sia zui zui-meaning thank you very very much) made it all worth it. Ah ma's son, uncle was rather quiet throughout this whole event but I could see that he really like the new clean environment. Well, well, well, though I am dead tired after the two days work, I felt a new satisfcation and contentment.

As I have said, I felt that I am the richest person on earth by having the very least which is the simple joy of giving. All they need is just that extra help and their lifes can be much better off. I shall visit them this friday again to celebrate mid-autumn festival and hopefully to check that the paint is not peeling off.

So there you go, my last entry before my trip to China. Stay tune for the latest China (Beijing) update.

Satisfied and contented.
Agnes

P.S: When was the last time you helped someone?

ACEH.

A.C.E.H = Arabic, Chinese, European, Hindu

Dear Friends,

1 week in Aceh really flies. I was just bidding you guys farewell and now I am back with tons of insights to share with you guys.

Disaster Tourism. Yep, that was what my trip was all about. Disaster Tourism. A new term that has emerged in the arena of tourism, visiting an area whereby a huge disaster has previously struck.From another viewpoint, the tsunami was like one of my friend said, a blessing in disguise. Aceh, a region in Sumatra, has been shut out from the rest of the world due to about 32 years of civil unrest. The tsunami brought in new opportunities from the rest of the world whereby Acehese can now look forward to more peace and prosperity.

It was a huge sacrifice, one may say for the tsunami to take away so many lives just at the expense of future peace. However, that is how the world works, nothing is ever earned without any sacrifice. The tsunami has in way contributed to the successful signing of the peace treaty between the Indonesian government and GAM ( who are the rebels). Hopefully there will be less fighting and hopefully better days will come for the civilians.

Well, so before I blabber more on my trip, let me just introduce you the group of people which I went to Aceh with.

Project name: Move for Mobility
1) Joseph- Project Manager from SIF(Singapore International Foundation)
2) Kartini- a Malay Singaporean SVO (Singapore Volunteer Overseas) based in Aceh
3) Jonson- Singapore PR who is an Indonesian Chinese; hometown: Medan- largest city in Sumatra. He is from Keppel FMO- a facilities maintainence company
4) Andy- from Mobility Aids ( the organisation that collects mobility aids including wheelchairs, repair them and redistribute to the needy- the one which I mentioned earlier in my much earlier entry)
5) Allan- from Mobility Aids too ( used to be the chairperson of this group)
6) Mus- from Keppel
7) Khai-from Keppel
8) Kumar- from Keppel
9) Azari- from Keppel
10) Kamal- from Keppel
11) Nazri- from Keppel

Well,yep and including me, the only chinese girl in this group. Anyway this was a joint project between SIF, CDC, SPD and Mobility Aids which started right from the start of this year. Mobility Aids have been collecting wheelchairs and mobility aids since then and we have sent over about 68 wheelchairs plus numerous other walking aids like walking frames and sticks.

Move for Mobility is a project whereby not only are we giving them the mobility aids, we are also hoping that through our training stint in the hospital in Banda Aceh, the staff at the hospital and some other NGOs can learn how to maintain their equipment so as to prolong the lifes of these equipment. Thus, skills transfer is one of my main priority.

We flew in to Medan via SilkAir before taking another domestic flight into Banda Aceh (sort of one of the main towns in Aceh; * in case you guys are not aware, Aceh is actually occupying a relatively big area in Sumatra). Medan is relatively more densely populated with more Chinese as compared to Banda Aceh. From what I have heard, Acehese used to drive the Chinese out of Aceh due to some racial discrimination and there is an area (forgot the name) in Medan whereby these Chinese have settled down after being driven out of Aceh. Hence as it seems that the Chinese in Medan generally do not really like Aceh and viewed it as a relatively unsafe place.

So as far as I can see and hear, racial discrimination is still prevalent in Aceh, having encountered some unpleasant incidents myself. While me and my friends were taking a photo outside the hospital( our training site), a schoolgirl in a the public bus along the road pointed her middle finger at us ( which I do not know if it is targetted at the four Chinese in our group or the whole group in general). Well, initially I ignored it, thinking that I must have seen wrongly. However, it was not once but thrice that she did that, making me realize that, either there is something seriously wrong with her or she simply dislike us- Chinese. I guess it should be the latter. Then, there was this evening when I went out with Kartini to the market near the mosque. Along came a bike and the rider just shouted Cina ( which means Chinese) very loudly. I was a bit taken aback and Kartini explained to me that there are very few Chinese in Banda Aceh and so the reason for that reaction.

For me, all these can be considered little acts of discrimination, though I do not know their main intentions. In Aceh, Chinese are really the minority of the community. Everywhere you go, you see mainly Malays, perhaps just once in a while a couple of foreigners. We were discussing about this topic and the conclusion was discrimination is everywhere as long as you are the minority. What is worse is that Chinese are generally better well off than the Malays there and that worsen the discrimination as people tend to get jealous.

After this trip, I am pretty grateful that racial harmony existed in our country. And I have come to realize that I actually do not really understand the different cultures in our country. Though we have been taught once in a while on the different races in Singapore, be it their culture, religion or festivals, I realize that nothing can be compared to having personally exposed to their culture. The Muslim culture in Aceh is relatively strict and women there are supposed to be covered from head from toe.

Perhaps, I should pose some questions to test your knowledge on the Muslim culture first.

1) Why is it that female Muslims have to wear tudungs?
2) How many times must the Muslims pray everyday?
3) During meals, which hand can only be used for eating?
4) Where do the Muslims bury their ancestors?

And well, here goes the answers. Let's see how many of you get all the questions right. No prize though for getting all right haha.

1) Female Muslims have to tudungs so as to cover their hair which according to them, hair is considered to be a seductive and hence should not be shown in public.
2) Devoted Muslims pray five times a day.
3) Only the right hand can be used during meals as the left hand is considered 'dirty' by the Muslims as it is used to clean private parts.
4) Muslims bury their ancestors in their backyards. ( * not applicable to Singaporeans Muslims due to the lack of space. In Singapore, Muslims bury their loved ones at government designated Muslim Cemeterty but only perhaps for 3 to 5 years as, as usual, not enough land.)

Interesting? That s what I thought so. Perhaps you guys may already have known the answers but for me, these are some of the things which I have learnt during this trip. There s still so much to learn and I realize that my lack of knowledge is mainly due to my lack of Muslim friends. Come to think of it, I do not really have any Muslim or Indian friends. Mostly are mere aquaintainces. We speak about racial harmony but how much do we really know about the other races? Do we really know how to appreciate their cultures?

I realize that it is this diversity that makes Singapore really interesting. I have been to Taiwan and all around, I see Chinese. I have been to Indonesia, and all around I see mostly Malays. I am right here in Singapore now, and I see many different races of people. I have a Malay neighbour right beside my house, an Indian family staying further down and several more Chinese households. Never did I know, such diversity should not be taken for granted until I have been to two vastly different countries. Never did I know, I actually do appreciate this diversity and and the respect and understanding between the different races that come along with it. Well, I guess, there is still more to be done and we should constantly make an effort to appreciate what the diversity has to offer although at times we may not agree nor truly understand why some things are done in that way. Personally, I really admire the female Muslims at Aceh, having to cover themselves practically from head to toe especially in such a hot and dusty climate which I cannot imagine myself doing it.

Enough said about cultures and races. Now moving on to the what we did in Aceh. Basically the first day was spent on sightseeing. We went to ground zero which means the coastal areas that have been the worst hit by the tsunami. It was a sad sight, I must admit. Practically nothing was left except debris. mud and some dilapidated houses. In case, you think the whole town was like that. Well, it s only like half the town that was wiped off. The rest of the town, where we stayed was still pretty ok.
I guess pictures say a millon words. Below are some photos which I have taken at ground zero.

Yep, the ship which you have just seen is right in the middle of the village, whereby the coast is approximately 5 to 10 km away. What could possibly have managed to carry such a huge ship (which most probably weigh hundreds and hundreds of tonnes) right into the village?

Yah, the tsunami lor. Haha. Lame question with a lame answer. During the whole time I was there, I was simply flabbergasted. And the whole time, I was imagining the volume of water and the height of the waves which could have sent the ship floating up and then down. I heard that somebody even saw the ship spin around a few times before landing and crushing a rich man's house which is now under the big ship now. We saw a thing that looked like a crushed car. My friend commented that well, perhaps it could have belonged to the rich man. We tried to look beneath, curious to know what could have been crushed by the big ship. We thought perhaps, many many bodies ? Well, nothing much to see, except for a cat who has inhabitated the small area which I had peered through after mastering enough courage. Haha.

As usual, I heard ( my ears have been working hard during the trip) that they will be turning the ship into a museum, to perhaps remind the future generations of the extent of the destruction. But I guess this might not be the main reason as to why they are not removing the ship. It would have costed a lot of money to remove the ship, being such a big ship I guess. Rather than spending money removing it, why not just keep it and use it to earn more money? However, the ship seriously needs some refurnishing as it is highly corroded by rust.

Another thing which I have noticed is that the locals there (in general term) do not really care about preserving artifacts which might have a long historical background. Well, this is because, we went to visit a kindergarten site (another project under SIF) and at this site, we saw this huge tombstone which most probably belonged to some royalty given the size and material of the tombstone. No effort was made to put it properly somewhere but was just left being half buried in the mud. Kartini said, they are most likely more concerned about the cost of removing it than to preserve the tombstone which actually might worth millions of dollars. What an irony.

Anyway, I fell ill on my second day at Aceh. Poor me. First it was sore throat, then it was flu and cough. Not only that, my eyes became swollen after taking two tablets of panadol. Well and the worst was I had diahorrea during the last few days in Aceh. Well, luckily, I was not that sick to the extent that I could not work. At least, I managed to repaired and cleaned some wheelchairs. Training wise, being an amateur and also because I am sick (though I think it would not have make much difference), I did not contribute much or should I say nothing at all. Feeling a bit guilthy that I was kind of useless, until Allan said," this trip would have been less enjoyable without you". Well, at least I provided some entertainment and laughter to the rest. (with my goldfish eyes and endless teasing or rather the one being teased).But that was really nice of Allan to have said that. I appreciated it. I especially like to make fun of Allan by always wanting to capture his photos. Andy too. Because they are just so camera shy that whenever I took photos of them, they looked as if they are going to kill me. Haha. That s one of the reasons why I have a lot of backview shots of them. Anyway I call the three of us, Triple As. Haha. Batteries anyone?

One thing which I have learnt from the trip was that sometimes help given may not be reciprocated. Sometimes, our help may even be over-exploited to the extent that it was over demanding. Kartini mentioned to me someone from one of the NGOs which we gave the wheelchairs to, was questioning/wondering why we gave them used wheelchairs and not new wheelchairs. It seems that, our kind gesture of giving them the wheelchairs have not been appreciated. They had expected new ones. Well, perhaps it is only a minority of them who thinks this way but it is enough to make one feel disappointed. Though the wheelchairs have been used, they are still in good condition because we have been cleaning and repairing them.Also, as I have heard from my friend, he said some of the facilities maintainence guys at the hospital was laughing at him while he was repairing the wheelchairs, which somehow was related to the fact that they could not understand why he was like repairing the wheelchairs. Well, I do not know how true this is as like I said it s only hearsay and their intention might not have been to ridule my friend. Anyway it is incidents like these that make us, especially Kartini, wonder if our help was worth it. One of our main concerns was whether they will sell the wheelchairs we sent them and whether they will look after the wheelchairs.

Kartini suggested to have a teambuilding and mindset change training programme rather than having the wheelchair maintainence training. Because, seriously one of the main problems is not lack of such mobility aids but the mindset issue. Their culture is generally more relaxed than ours and Joseph has not once but twice reminded us to work according to their timing. They generally do not take care of the medical equipment, like the beds and wheelchairs. As long as they are spoilt they will chuck it at one corner without attempting to repair them. ( as far as I can see, personal opinion). I do not know if they do not know how to maintain the equipment or they simply just do not care. As mentioned by Kart, because this is a government hospital and since it is not their money, they just do not bother to take care of the equipment. (* They as in the general term. I must emphasize this as I do not wish to stereotype all of them). Most of the staff are mostly sitting at their desks, doing nothing much. I was told that they will only do things when being told. And as far as I am concerned, the working structure of the hospital is very messy. Kartini has to walk around the whole hospital ( mind you, the hospital is really big) the whole morning just to get a document signed.

Nevertheless, we did meet some positive incidents as well. When we patronise some of the shops, people will thank us for coming to Aceh to help their people. Though we did not help them directly, they still thanked us. Some of the trainees (staff which we have trained) were rather friendly as well. Though I did not spend a lot of time with them ( cos I was sick), surprisingly they still remembered my name which really kind of touched me. And they would be really concerned for me as I was sick. It was really nice of them. While we were giving sweets to the children at the hospital, the smiles on the some of the children's faces were enough to make our days, though most of them have startled faces rather than smiley faces. Guess they were more shocked than happy. I even had to run after one kid just to give him a sweet. And a little girl ran away from my friend who was giving her a sweet. We were like hunting down kids just to give them the sweets. Hehe. But truly, it is a great feeling to be able to give, to just make someone happy for that moment is great joy for oneself as well.

Give! my friend, within your means and you will feel that you need nothing else. I shall learn to spend less on myself so that I will be able to give more to others. This trip has made me realize that I am indeed fortunate to be born in Singapore. Having clean water coming from the tap seems like to be guaranteed and a flush is almost everywhere in every toilet. Having a roof over our heads and having the luxuries of the glorious food and clothes seem to be a definite thing.

No, not in aceh. Definitely not clean water. I have to bathe with yellowish dirty water for 5 days, used manual flush to flush the toiletbowl ( meaning use pails of water to flush down my stool and urine) and use mineral water to brush my teeth for the fear of drinking the dirty water which may cause me to be very sick. I see the tents that the homeless people are staying and I wish I could build a house for them. I see the people who have lost a limb and I felt such admiration for them to be able to live life as per normal even with their disability. I see those people who have braved through the tsunami and I applaude them for the courage to move on even though the memories and pain of the tsunami may stay with them for as long as they live. In short, I have seen that life goes on, no matter what. And to be alive is already the greatest gift of all. Celebrate life by multiplying love through giving.

However, I believe we should only help those who help themselves. By giving endless help to those who do not help themselves would only make them more reliant on you. Just like in the case of Aceh, I feel that somehow the culture has evolved to become into one whereby they rely too much on others. Help has been taken for granted. Ever since the tsunami, numerous foreign NGOs have been rendering their help to the people there and this will somehow make the people feel that as long as there is a crisis, they can always count on the others to help them. In time to come, they would expect more and more help and will not know how to help themselves first. Some of you may ask, how do you expect them to help themselves when they are really in a dire situation. Well, I guess it is the attitude then. At least be appreciative, that s all that really matters actually. Being appreciative would mean not taking things for granted. And a simple thank you is all I ask for.

By offering our help to anyone, it is a voluntary gesture straight from our heart whereby we do not expect anything back in return. However, we should know how to protect ourselves without having our help being abused. This is a very important lesson which I have learnt and hope that you guys can take it as a learning point too.

Lastly, thank you for reading. I appreciate it.

Grateful to have been given this opportunity to volunteer in Aceh,

Agnes

Happy Birthday Mummy

Dear Mummy,

I am back! How have you been?

If you were alive, you would have turned 57 last saturday. I am sorry I could not visit you last saturday to wish you a happy birthday as I was down with cough and flu. If you were alive, we would have celebrated your birthday with a dinner at some restaurant as usual. Well, I guess nothing is ever gonna be the same again. Yah, yah, yah..accept it agnes.

It was your 100th days death anniversary yesterday. Time flies. It really does. It seems just like yesterday that you have left this world and now 100 days have gone past. A lot of us went to pray at your altar yesterday. Did you see us? Somehow it still pained me to see your photo on your altar. I tried to avoid looking at it directly for the fear of evoking tears.

They asked if I have dreamt of you. I nodded and that was all I could do before breaking down into tears. I guess the dream was one of the more vivid dreams I had of you and the only one that we really talked. A real heart to heart talk. I could not remember what went through us except that I think both of us cried during the midst of the talk.

Anyway, I just want to tell you that I am living well and being very contented with what I have now. I have learnt a lot from my trip to Aceh and I have found my purpose in life which I hope it will pull through all life's adversities. There is still so much I can do for all those that I love and all those that I will come to love. The world needs a little bit more love and I think I could do just that.

I shall bring the world to you and let you feel the world like I do.

Miss you dearly,
Agnes

P.S : I love you, mummy.

Aceh?

Dear Mummy,

Thought I should inform you that I would be going aceh this saturday. Eugene from MAS just called me just now. Well, do not worry for me. I will take good care of myself. It is something which I have wanted to do for a long time. I do hope I can contribute a bit to the tsunami victims though I must say I really do not know how I can help. I shall try my best. It is coming to one year since the tragedy has happened. But I heard that the situation there is still quite bad. I shall update you when I am back. Most probably I will be gone for a week and so I will miss your birthday which falls on the 27th Aug.

I can't really remember how we celebrated your birthday last year, just that we had dinner together which brings me back to an incident. I remembered there was once when we went to Jumbo restaurant to celebrate your birthday( I think it s yours) but as you have forgotten to bring the voucher/card, the waiter there refuse to give you any discount. You did not want to go back and get the card and hence had a small argument with the waiter there. We suggested going to the nearby hawker centre to grab a bite but you refused. In the fit of your anger, you went home yourself. After that, daddy and me got back home but you werent home yet though you left before us. In the end, only to realize that you almost got lost and had walked a long distance. You were really like a kid sometimes that I feel I am the adult. But that is also what makes you so lovable.

I have just gotten my pay this week. If you were around, I could finally give you a portion of my pay which you have previously rejected. The reason that you gave was that the amount which I have earned was pretty insignificant and I could give more to you when I have earned more. But deep down I know the main reason was because you knew I had painstakingly earned it and thus wanted me to keep the money for myself.

Well, I guess the best present I could give you this year is to be happy. I am happy now. I really am. But I would be happier if you were around.

K, enough said, going to the market with ah ma tomorrow.

Love you,
Agnes

New Idol

" Idol? Who is your idol?"

Dear Friends,

I thought I am way past the age of idolizing. I was wrong. Seriously wrong.

Recently, my best friend has just loaned me a set of Korean VCDs. The title of the show is "Ban Wan Xin Niang" aka "Miss Kim's Million Dollar Quest "



Unlike normal tearjerkers korean melodrama like Autumn in my Heart/Winter Sonata/Summer Scent/Stairway to Heaven, this korean drama falls into the category of love comedy, something like "The Sassy Girl". If you guys have watched "The Sassy Girl", you would have known that the story is funny, touching and with a touch of meaning in it too. That s similar to what this show has to offer too.

Basically, this is a love story about Miss Kim( real name:Kim Hyun Ju; acted in Glass Slippers) and Mr Pu ( Ji Jin Hee ; acted in Da Cheung Jin). Poor Miss Kim was abandoned on the altar on her wedding day by her heartless fiancee who left her for someone richer. Prince in shining armour Mr Pu who was her wedding photographer came to her rescue by taking her away to avoid her embarrassment. They started off as a bickering pair who can't stand the sight of each other.

However, fate has its way of pulling them together when Mr Pu was made bankrupt as his dad was put in jail. Being stranded and having no place to stay, Mr Pu approached Miss Kim for a roof under his head. Miss Kim unwillingly allows him to stay in due to her dire financial situation so that she could collect rent from Mr Pu.

On the other hand, as Miss Kim colleagues did not know that Miss Kim has not been married, Miss Kim has no choice but to ask Mr Pu to act as her husband lest the embarrassment and explanantion she has to give to her colleagues. Deep down, Miss Kim cannot forget her fiancee and vow to win him back by earning more money than the rich girl who has stolen her fiancee.

Mr Pu has his own sad story. Since he was made bankrupt, he has sold his bike and jeep so as to keep his family house whereby his older brother was buried. Thus the two sad souls commit themselves to earn their millions. Together, they brave through ups and downs. They worked from mornings to nights, set up businesses, work part time, etc..But nevertheless, nothing runs smoothly for them ( If it did, then there will not be any story left to film ha). The rich girl simply won't allow them to succeed in the fear that Miss Kim will be able to win back her ex-fiancee who has now become her beau.

The nice part of this story is the comical effects which they have added in. It is really funny. Both Miss Kim and Mr Pu are really funny together. As the story goes, Mr Pu unknowingly fell for Miss Kim. And the touching part is that although Mr Pu knows that Miss Kim heart is not with her, he is always there for her as long as she needs him even to the extent of leaving her so that she can be with her ex-fiancee.

So did Miss Kim and Mr Pu end up together? Watch the show and you will know. But most probably you would already have known the story.


Well, so now Mr Pu has become my new idol. I havent had an idol since ages. Allow me to indulge in my young innocence crushes whereby I live in a fantasy world. Let me picture my knight in shining armour will be like Mr Pu, suave, charming and ever so sweet. Just look at the way he smiles...It just going to melt your heart.

He has this typical korean look. Eyes that cringe when he smiles. Perfect smile that emits the charm of a matured 33 year old man. At the same time, he just have this boyish look.

Oh no, I am in love. Not again. Another crush.

This always happen when I watch a drama serial with an especially devoted loving male lead in the show.




So my latest idol is Ji Jin Hee, a 33 year old of 178 cm who loves photography and is keen in charity work. And the best part is he is married.

Suddenly I feel young all over again with this special crush on someone so far away. It is a wonder why the female species has a tendency to swoon over handsome cute guys. Are we superficial or is it just an instinct in us? Just like guys who likes porn.It is just in them. We are just girls craving her the love of a matured and handsome guy. Perhaps, as girls we love to daydream. We love to live in a fantasy world whereby the knight in shining armour will protect you no matter what. We know that no such person exist in reality and hence that s the reason why sometimes we rather live in the fantasy world whereby only there, dreams can come true.

So to the guys out there, perhaps you will not understand why we girls can go crazy for someone whom we do not even know. Well that is because there is simply no one in real life that is really worth our effort to go crazy for. So the next time before you lament on the silliness of the whole idol thingy, please just do reflect on yourselves first. ( The content does not mean to stereotype the male species. It is just stated in the general term. No offence. I apologize if I sound too critical. I am just trying to offer some explanation to the whole idolizing trend ^___^).

I reckon that we just live in the society whereby appearance is important. I sincerely believe that we should respect the looks that have been given to us. But well-grooming is equally important too. Jay Chou used to look just normal and nothing spectacular. I am amazed how good he looks now with good grooming.

You may argue that looks are just superficial. They never really last. For me, I believe in taking care of how you look. With just a little more effort and care, I believe we can look good and feel good.

I sure can crap..from idol to good grooming....anyway the most important tip for looking good is to be generous with your smiles. Just like my new idol Ji Jin Hee, smile and the whole world smile with you. Jin Hee, you are the best!!!!

On the last note, a treat for you gers out there...a picture gala of Mr Ji.
*Drumroll* Sit tight gers, presenting to you Mr Ji Jin Hee:























Well, that s all folks. Guess you should have pretty much guessed what I have been doing during my free time these days. Yep, watching korean vcds and swooning over Mr Ji.

Well, mummy, I bet you would have love this show too since you have always been a fan of korean vcds. It would have been much fun if I have watched with you. We could have laughed together at those silly scenes. Anyway I have watched it on your behalf. And to your previous question whether I will get married, my answer has changed to.." Yep I will, if the guy looks like Ji Jin Hee!"

Your die-hard fan,Mr Ji Jin Hee,
Agnes

Hey guys!

Dear Friends,

How have you guys been? I must apologize for this long hiatus which I have taken.

So well, I guess just let me give u guys a 'welcome back' smile before I start blabbing again! This is a picture I took when I was waiting to board the plane.




As you guys might have already known, my work at NTUC link has ended and I have just came back from Taiwan. Well, I shall just do a little update then to fill you guys up with the more details.

I realize that I have been a bit longwinded in my previous entries. Hence I shall let the pictures do the talking.

At NTUC Link

My colleagues

Beautiful shot captured from my office's pantry. It is as if we are a big ship floating on the sea when you look out of our pantry.

This is a photo which we took on our last day of work at Coffee Club whereby our dear boss has given us a delicious lunch treat.

So well, that s all for my stint at NTUC link. I shall share with you guys on my life as a Customer Service Officer another time.

A few days after I have ended my work, I flew to Taipei. Taipei is a great city. Bustling city. I kind of like the environment there and especially the area which we stayed in- Xi Men Ding. It is unlike any of the shopping places we have in Singapore. Let me just show you.

No daunting tall buildings, just little short buildings and big plasma screens all around.

People bring their dogs around and especially in Xi Men Ding. The dogs there are just so cuteeeee....

And interestingly, there are not many stray dogs or cats around unlike in Bangkok.

The TV programmes there were great too. 100 over channels. Some are dedicated especially for korean dramas and some are dedicated just for news. I must say their news there are dramatic. It is simply just like watching a drama serial.

We met with the Matsa Typhoon, right in between our stint in Taiwan. First time in my whole life..I have come so close to a natural disaster. Well, apart from the news of the dire situations of mudslides and broken bridges in other parts of Taiwan, heavy rain and strong winds are all we have encountered. The wind was rather strong I must say. My umbrella was almost being blown away haha.

During the days of rain and wind, we visited shopping areas like Taipei 101 (currently tallest building in the world), Wu Fen Pu ( wholesale shopping district), Xi Men Ding ( higher class shopping) , KTV (Holiday KTV...there was no school and work that day. The KTV was definitely one of the favourite pastime of Taiwanese and there was tons of people queueing up. Luckily for us, we met with a group of friendly Taiwanese girls who kindly let us have the additional room that they have booked, else the day will be spent wasted in the hotel).

The cafes and pubs there were great too! There was this special cafe beside the hotel which I am staying that left the deepest impression on me. The cafe was in the theme of sea and the decorations were all of seashells. The lighting was dim and with a shade of blue. And the seats were swings chairs that were hung from the ceiling. Another cafe which I saw was the Teahouse at Jiu Fen. Jiu Fen is an old mining ground whereby it is situated on a hill. It has a sense of nostaglic ambience around it which I kind of like it. The Teahouse look out upon the sea whereby you can savour your tea while admiring the scenery. There is only one word to describe the scenery there. Breathtaking.

Pity, I did not visit either of the cafes due to the lack of time but it definitely gave me some ideas how I wanted my cafe to be in the future. Nostaglic and Seaside Flavour. How about that?

Food for me was still not too bad. However, I still feel the variety of food is still the best in Singapore. My favourite food in Taiwan are as follows ( in no special order):

1)Hao Da Da Ji Pie (chicken cutlet). It is definitely much better than Singapore one's.

2) Heinkien Green Tea. You can taste the beer but yet not so strong. It is quite hard to describe the taste but it is definitely bagus!

3) Red Tea. Their red tea is especially fragant. It will make you crave for more after one cup. Definitely a thirst-quencher.

4) Cream Puff ( Forgot the brand). But according to my friend, it is a famous cream puff shop over at Taiwan. Rich creamy puff....yummy!

5) Ah Zong Mian Xian.. Hot Hot Hot!

6) Oyster Omelette. Definitely worth a try. Different taste from ours with a different pinkish gravy to go with it.

7) Beef Noodles....Glorious Glorious Beef Noodles. They have this preserved vegetables to go with the noodles that will absorb the oil in the beef noodles. Wonderful complement to the noodles. The cup noodles are great too! but only for the brand called Man Han Da Chan.

8) Dou Jiang You Tiao.. Their You Tiao is simply......fabulous@@.. Thin and crips..They just melts in your mouth!

9) Lastly not to mention their Kong Ba Bao. Mei Cai Kong Ba Bao. A terrific snack on a wet and rainy day.

Talking about all these food makes me hungry. Looking at the time, it is lunch time! Time for me to eat now! I shall write more on my experience in the next entry, perhaps more on the emotions I felt during the trip.

Miss Taiwan,

Agnes

It has been a while....

" Time flies, or so we think. Many a time, we thought we have forgotten a lot of things but if we search deep enough, we will know they are still inside our heart."


Dear Mummy,

It has been a while since I have come to visit. How have you been? I am so afraid of forgetting you that I tried so hard to remember so many things about us. Finally I realize that things that I thought I have forgotten will never really be gone.

The trip to Taiwan have sort of reduced the pain of me missing you so much. The new environment and companions did make me forget my sadness, though once in a while, I still think of you. I still remember the times that I went overseas and you would always be there to send me off and pick me up.

I feel so stupid only to realize how much I love you and how much you love me until you are gone. It is a fact I know I must accept. And a fact that I can be happy without you.

" I must learn to let go. But I will never forget you."

I love you, mummy.

And as the Colin Raye song goes, " Between now and forever, till I see you again, I will be loving you. Love me."

Well, enough said of my emotions. I shall update you on my current happenings in my next entry. See you on friday, mummy.

Love,
Agnes

A Bustling Week

" Sometimes, we just need a break to carry on."

Dear all,

It has been a while since I have updated my blog. Much has happened since then. And I shall start off with the day after my convocation.

I have to admit that sometimes you just have to believe things that are out of the world. That day after my convocation, the day when I was really sad, mummy came. ( Hope it doesn't sound eerie and gives anyone of you any goosebumps).

I know it s you I see, mummy. Somehow, perhaps some may say as a coincidence but there are just too many incidents to support the fact that somehow it may just be you. Remembered I once told you guys that I saw a moth at my office at level 14th? The day after my convo, I saw it again. As if it knows I am sad, it has came to visit me. It left when I left for lunch that day and somehow it left after I felt much better. Well, sometimes, somethings are best left unspoken and the fact that I believed, makes me feel better.

I know you are always here, as long as I believe. When faith falters, I know you will come and restore the faith.

Oh yah, mummy, I have started driving! But I can't park for goodness sake haha. It is a pity I did not start driving earlier, lest you could have taken a ride with me. You are the one person who I wish I could have ferry around for you are the one who make all these possible. Well, rest assured, I will be careful when I am driving. It is a great feeling to be on the move! Driving and listening to music, that s life manzx..

My week started off with staying over at Ying's place to celebrate her birthday. We made cheesecake..ermm..ok.. she made while I slept haha. Then on tuesday itself, we went to sing KTV and at night we went to new asia bar at raffles city for a drink with Qi and Jia. For the first time in my life, I truly was taken aback by the night city view of Spore. For those who have not visited new asia bar before, it is at the top of raffles city with a magnificent 180 degrees view of spore night view.I enjoyed the food there, especially the bbq platter...Yummmmmy! Though it could have been better if there was no smoke around.

Well, things change, and more often that not, people change. It is pretty amazing on further thought that four of us who are so vastly different can still stay connected, or hopefully so I wish. Ying and Jia will be studying while Qi is already working. For me, I am going to be unemployed soon. Ha. Qi said a sentence which made a huge impact on me. She said, " Those who are working, will have different topics to talk about". ( not the exact words, but something like that). From what I have comprehended, it implied that those who are working and those who are studying will have less common topics to talk about which may ultimately means that we have less to talk about due to different interests.

Actually, I have already experienced a bit of the truth of that sentence that night when we went out. And I am beginning to wonder if we will all drift apart someday, especially when we are all working (though we may have more common topics to talk about, eg. bitch about boss etc.) since all of us will be very busy with our own stuff.

I agree that working is really tiring. These past few days, I fell asleep almost immediately I went home. I even fell asleep when I was watching the tv. Never really did finish watching what I intended to watch. I am only working as a temp. Can you imagine how tiring it will be when I truly start work? Hence I truly do believe that when we all start working, we will not even have enought time to sleep, lest meet up. Guess we all just have to make more effort to maintain our relationship.

Nevertheless, these past few days have been quite happening. I have been living the life of a tai tai after work. Spa, yoga, shopping but well except for mahjoing.
In short, I am just loving myself and pampering myself and maybe to prepare myself for a life of a tai tai. Yah, yah, yah..continue dreaming.

I must especially highlight yesterday happening. Work started off at 9 with me, ying, and violet calling up members to update their birthdates. I didn't know such a simple task could have evoked so many jokes. For me, instead of date of birth, I said birth of date..and not once but a few times. The member even has to correct me. For this, I have being laughed by my colleagues. As for ying, she cracked the most hilarious joke of the day. It has been a while since I have laughed my head off. I do not think you guys will understand the joke unless you have been there at that moment. Anyway, it is the joke on the case of the missing ms faradilah.

Oh yah, one more thing, office has become a warfare since one of the perm staff has started to complain about us (we temp on being too slack, not clearing cases etc.) We have been told by our superior to be more hardworking. However the name of the particular perm staff has not been released. I am indiginant about the fact that the person has secretly tell tale on us instead of telling us straight. Our boss said, things are like this in the working world and I wonder how bad office politics could get when I truly start working. This has been a mystery which all of the temps have been discussing for the whole week. Trying to find out who s the person behind the back. Interesting. Office politics even for temp staff. Well, I guess, they can say whatever they want behind our backs but as long as we know we did our work, nothing else matters. Anyway I am leaving next week so I shadn't bother myself too much with it.

Oh yah, back to the day's happenings. In the afternoon, I went to volunteer with my friends to help disseminate wheelchairs for tsunamis victims. Oh yah oh yah, there is something which I have to tell you guys. I might be able to go Aceh to help out! I am so excited. haha. Anyway it is really a very interesting experience, disseminating the wheelchairs and then fixing back a new one for the needy. Very meaningful too. Think I will try to make an effort to help out at a regular basis. For those who like to join me, you can always leave down a msg me. The more, the merrier.

Finally at nightfall, I went to the Zpop concert. It was cool especially JJ, simply took my breath away. I have to admit he is really talented. And I am simply taken aback that he has so many fans in singapore. Practically everyone stood up when it was his turn to sing. Ah mei was fantastic too. Hot. haha.

Ok, anyway that should be all for my weekly update. Busy right? I am tired just simply writing on it. Ok, I have decided to take more time off for myself. I do not think I can stand it anymore. haha. Too tiring. Getting old. In the meanwhile, I am looking forward to my taiwan trip on 2nd aug. That s when my true break will come. Come august, I will have more time for myself too. No work means more time to slack.

Dear friends, if you are also living a very hectic life like me, do take some time off for yourself. Do not attemp to cramp too many things for there s only a limit we can do.

Busily trying to be free,
Agnes

P.S : Take a break.Visit my webshots website to view my photos under my links.

Tension of Opposites

" Happy or Sad. Can I be both?"


Dear Mummy,

Yesterday was convocation day. My graduation which you fervently wish to go, yet can't. I remembered vividly how you told me you wanted very much to go. In an attempt to console you, I said we could always make special arrangements for you to go and in the end I just ended by shrugging it off, saying I don't really want to go anyway.

Indeed, I did not really want to go when mummy was still in bed then. I can't really find any meaning in going anyway since the person who wanted to go the most couldn't. Alas, I went yesterday mainly because I know she wanted to go. I just had to go to fulfil one of her last wishes.

I wasn't proud of myself for being able to complete my studies, many others did too. I travelled the road much travelled and graduated like the many others. What was different was that unlike many, mummy wasn't there. Studies was one of the contributing factors for my stress and withdrawal back then which ultimately clouded my vision and causing my neglect for mummy. That was the reason why I wasn't so proud of my studies. If I have a choice, I rather have mummy than being able to graduate.

Mummy, you have endured so much to bring me up, yet you could not witness the result you worked so hard for.I am sad, but I tried not to think about it. Though daddy and ah ma were there, somehow I don't feel that they really wanted to go. Maybe just because I asked them to go. Maybe I should not be so prejudiced in my thinking. Maybe they did want to go, just that they did not say it out like you did.

I felt lost today, not once but twice. I was frustrated, irritated, sad, glad, and angry. Mixed feelings I would say. Something that is getting worse, I feel. I think I am going mad soon with this whirlwind of emotions constantly chasing me. The opposites of emotions and the swings of these emotions are stifling. I have never been happier, yet I have never been sadder. I have never been more alive, yet I have never felt more like dying.

Let me just start off with today's events, just to provide a little more insights on my feelings. It started with me and daddy going to HDB to sign the new title deed. You said to me previously that we could shift out of our present house if it s a little too big for the two of us when you left. Stupidly, I went to answer, yah I have thought of it too. On recollection, I felt that was really insensitive of me to say that. Mummy, I am sorry. I should not have said that for somehow it would have meant that I had speculated your death.

Well, mummy, as far as I am concerned now, I am not going to move out of this house. It is a place that we have spent most of our time together. It is a place where you will always live. And for that, the house signifies our relationship, in the past, present and in the future.

Next, we went to PS. Now that, I am managing the finances, I realize how hard it was for you then to start writing cheques towards the end of the month. I vividly remember the last time you sat at the dining table, writing those cheques before you fell too ill to write. I took over and I was quite irritated over it. I never used to like to manage finance, but now I have to and I am beginning to like it. So here we are at PS, intending to pay our property tax cos I mistakenly thought daddy's POST was my POSB.(Just a note: in case you guys do not know there is no POST at PS). Luckily though, there was a SAM machine and I went to pay payment there.


Meanwhile, I asked daddy to stay as his leg is not well enough for him to walk long distance. By the time I was back, he was gone. I admit I took a longer time to make payment but still, he should have waited for me. I looked everywhere for him, walked at least four rounds the same area. And the worst thing was that his phone was spoilt, or we thought. This is the first time that I felt lost, and frustrated, just like a little kid lost admist the crowd and perhaps looking for something that was not there.

So I gave up in the end and sat at the place I asked him to stay,with my sored feet.We had also initially intended to repair daddy's phone but alas, it was a false alarm. Guess the phone miraculously came back to life again. And then out of nowhere, daddy came out. This time round, since the phone was ok, I told him I am going to buy presents for my friends and asked him to walk around himself and I would call him when I am ready.

Here I went, shopping alone for presents, something quite enjoyable surprisingly. Perhaps I am getting used to being alone. Perhaps I did enjoy the financial independence to a certain extent and that was most probably why I started to liking managing finances. If mummy is around, she would definitely nag me for buying so many presents. She disliked paying for stuff first on behalf of the rest cos she said in the end you will not get the $$ back.

Presents, glorious presents, wonderful presents. I bought a boundful of them. And I was really happy that I managed to buy presents that I think my friends would like.Then my dad called, called to ask if I am going back for lunch. And before I even say goodbye, or state my conclusion the line was cut off. I was irritated. And so I called back again. No answer. No answer. A hello and the line was cut off. No answer. No answer. No answer. I was fed up.

Ok, never mind. I shall continue to shop for presents and I did not let the frustration last for long. I guess the happiness of shopping for presents was much more overwhelming than the frustration. It was a great feeling carrying so many bags full of presents. Well, it was sort of like a shopping spree only that most of the stuff in the bags aren't for me. I just hope they like the presents cos each of the presents has a meaning which I shall explain in an card if I have the time.

Anyways, so in the end, daddy finally called and I finally bought all the presents and so we went home with kueh pie tie for ah ma. It was a mad rush of time after that. Lunch. Call up the insurance company for my group's travel insurance.( This time round I was irritated again, but I shadn't elaborate more, lest I irritate all of you with my numerous irritations today). Iron my heavy and wrinkled gown, my shirt and my pants. Bathe. Make up. Get ready my stuff. Go over to ah ma house to grab a bite.

Then finally I reached school and it was 4.45pm. 15 minutes before I need to be seated in and the best thing is I was not robed yet. And so I went to look for friends, engaged their help or rather my friend mummy's help to put on my gown. ( Well, if mummy was there, I am sure she would ensure that I was properly robed, checked that each strand of my hair was in place and beamed at me with a proud smile). Anyway I took a few photos and rushed down to Nanyang Auditorium where the ceremony was going to be held.

Everywhere you go, everyone you see..all of them were taking photos. Of course, I did too but mostly with my friends' cameras cos I left my camera with daddy. Well below is the only one I took with ah ma and daddy.

Maybe I will edit it one of these days and include mummy in the photos. Then it would seem that she went to. Haha. Self-denial and Self-deceiving.

Anyway the evening went on pretty ok..ily. I was zapped off to the land of Harry Potter whereby all the students were dressed in stupidly stifling and big butterful like gowns and hoods that seem like dowager head's gear in the past dynasty. The speech came, then the names, the photo taking all over again and finally the hide-and-seek again.

I merely went off to grab some food for daddy and ah ma and they were gone again. Maybe it is my fault as I did not spoke loud enough to inform them. Maybe it is just the crowd. I hate the crowd anyway. Told you I did not want to go already. The crowds always stifle me. Well, I went cos it is supposedly once in a lifetime, like marriages. ( Well, on second thoughts, nothing is ever once in a lifetime except your birth and death. You can always go for a post graduate and get married for more than once).

So here Agnes the finder started counting to 100 and went on her search again, with her sored feet. This time round, I became smarter and started calling. No answer. No answer. No answer. Walk around. Look around. Walk around. Fed up. Walk around. Look around. Fed up and threw away the food.Went out. Took off my shoes and sat down. No answer. No answer. No answer. Why won't daddy just call me if he didn't see me? So I did not give up and continued to call. No answer. No answer. No answer.Totally fed up.

K, then finally my daddy called. Found them and hooray, game over.

The only thing left to do then was to get out cos they look bored and hungry and I was irritated. We can always take photos another time. Though deep down, I did wanted to take photos with my good friends but alas, the mood was not right then. To them, I want to say sorry for my abrupt departure and sorry I did not wait for you guys. I have enough of waiting. Let's wait till the gers are back and we will go out one day and take a group photo k?

Anyway off we go, with me a speed that s faster than anyone of them. Ah ma followed and then daddy. I am sorry for walking so fast and made them follow me. I just wanted to get out cos I do not know why I am there anyway, maybe just so not to have any regrets that I did not go for this so called once in a lifetime event. Well, I regretted going anyway.

Along the way, I finally broke down. I cried. Cried without sound so that ah ma and daddy will not detect it. Alas I think they know. But still I am not going to cry openly in front of them. We ate dinner and then went home. I locked myself in mummy's room and fell asleep. And here, I am writing this entry.

My whirlwind of emotions have sort of subsided now aftering lashing all of them out here. Mummy, I am fine for now, I think. Haha. So do not worry about me k. I think I am better off alone. You asked who I will go to when I am down. I answered friends. Now, my answer will be YOU.

Sorting out myself,

Agnes

P.S: Please do not ask if I am ok or not. I heard a thousand if not a million of it. I do not know how to answer a question which I am not sure of. Even if I say I am not ok, there isn't much you can do.I know you care, but just let me be.Treat me the way you used to be, or maybe just a little nicer will do haha. Tension of opposites.

A Long List...

"Be amazed by how your brain thinks and how your heart feels.."

Dear Mummy,

It has been a while since I drop by...Do you miss me? Will you forget me? Will I be the only one missing you?

Guess there will not be any replies to my questions because you are not around anymore. A fact which up till today I still try to deny sometimes.I never knew missing someone was so hard until now. But I have learnt to move on with the yearning for your presence.

It has been a week and so much has since happened. Let me just update you a little.. Work as a customer service officer has officially started and for five days this week, I talk to the computer. Emails, something which technology has bestowed on us have become my source of income. I replied to hundreds of them everyday and they are never-ending. Thus, leading to my OT.
Luckily, it is just a temporary assignment, lest I think I will either go blind one day or be stricken with serious back problem.

Personally, I could not imagine myself doing a office job for the next 30 or 40 years. Imagine having to face the computer everyday for 10 to 12 hours, I wonder how my health can take it to such radiation. I wonder what I should do...
And came an abundance of ideas..

1) I would become a photo-journalist. I would like to go around the world and take down the most beautiful sights and people. I want to express myself through the lens.

But would that be realistic? Am I capable enough to do that? How about my family if I keep travelling around? Can I adapt to new environments and new people? Hence, I have decided that photography and travel can be my interests and not my career. Having striked off this possibility, I carried on to dream about my future...

2) How about being working as a temp for a long-term basis? I mean, being a permanent temp which in short, means taking up some temporary assignments for a long long time...so that I can get to enjoy the flexiblity of such arrangements. I can work for a while, save some money and then go travelling. And when I am back, I shall do some more temp work and the cycle goes on. Such variability may just suit my personality of getting bored easily and wanting to try new things.

But would the money I earn sustain my life? Would I be able to support my family with that meagre amount of income? Would I be able to earn enough to support my interests such as photography, pets and travelling? Hence, I think this may well not be very realistic...

3) How about working from home? Start a dot.com business? But then, I have problems in thinking of what kind of business I can do online, having lack the expertise and contacts. And so that does not sound so appealing anymore.

4) I would like to do something meaningful. How about doing social work? Conselling? That would be interesting. Meeting new people, new stories everyday.

But I am afraid, I would not do a good job. Perhaps I would need to go for some formal training first. Having lack the $$ for the time being, I think it is better I find a better paying job first, before I embark on this journey of exploring human minds.

5) In the end, I came up with a great idea. Why don't I simply just combine all my ideas into one. Put all my favourite things into one idea? I shall be a social entrepreneur. I shall open a cafe, called Fav Cafe (which in a way implies all my favourite things). In this cafe, I shall make it as comfortable as possible with a nostalgic feel.

A corner will be dedicated to mummy and it will be named Mummy's corner with mummy favourite things which are bags,shoes and clothes. You can say it s sort of a retail corner.I will decorate this corner with mummy's photos and of course our family portraits etc. It is a place when I can go when I miss mummy.

For the rest of the cafe, I shall decorate them with my photos, photos which I will be taking..of people and sights. Flowers would be a must in my cafe and customers can buy the flowers if they like. Pets will be allowed into my cafe and there will be food provided for them. There will be a notice board at one corner of the cafe whereby events and activities will be publicised on the board. Events will include charitable events, sport events, travel programmes and so forth. In short, all my favourite activities will be there.

The seats will be those wooden kind whereby they can swing to and fro. Friends from all over the place can come and have their gatherings here.It will be a place to connect all and allow all to connect with new people. Once in a while, I will invite live bands to play in my cafe. The food served will be pastries,cakes,and normal beverages. And there will be a small reading corner too, for those who likes to read.

Most importantly, part of my profits will go to a charitable organisation of my choice and hence the word-social entreprenuer.I contribute back to the society which gave me so much.

This seems like the best idea I had, though it s a bit too complicated and perhaps not of a good business sense as there is no specific theme to attract the crowd. It is a wonderful dream, whether it can be realized or not.

But of course, the reality sets in too. Will I be able to have the $$ to open such a cafe? Will this cafe to able to survive? Where do I get the suppliers? etc....

Although realities often get in the ways of dreams, I believe it is the process of dreaming that can bring us the most joy. At least, you have a dream to work towards to, at least you can see something in the future and not just a normal office job.

Dear friends, dare to dream..dare to make your dream come true. At least take a step forward and think.

Dreaming and dreaming,
Agnes

P.S: " I am amazed by how my brain works.You can too."

Mummy, is that you?

"The grief continues..."

Dear Mummy,

Is that you? Recently I have been seeing a lot of moths, all around me. It was said that the souls of the dead will rest in moths whereby they will fly back to visit their loved ones.Indeed, I heard stories of such cases and more than often I would shrug it off, thinking that all are mere coincidences.

However, today, I would like to take back my words. Perhaps, it is true and such incidents are not exactly coincidences. For me, I have been seeing them at the most unexpected places, at the stairways to my ah ma's house, at my office which is at 14th level and at my kitchen just now. The most bizarre incident of which was the one which happened at my kitchen. It is as if you are playing now you see it, now you don't.

I was taken aback when I went to the kitchen just now as the moth, a relatively big one just flew out of nowhere and rested on the wall. In a split second, it was gone. Deep down, somehow I felt it was mummy coming back to visit me as she knows I am not feeling good these few days.

These past few days, I have been feeling rather moody and have been constantly thinking of mummy. Tears keep welling up in my eyes and I kept swallowing them down. It was an awful feeling and the only thing that I wanted to do, was to wait for the time to go home and cry it out. Right here, right now, I am crying..and more than often, when I was writing the rest of the entries, I was tearing as well. I can't control my mind and lest my emotions. I can't stop thinking and I can't stop crying.There are times which I really feel I could not take it anymore. How I wish I could end everything.

I know I have to be strong. Many of my friends said I was strong. But then, it is not that I am strong but it is just that I have been dealt with this situation and I have no choice but to deal with it this way or that way. It is either I wallow in my despair or I just brave it through.

Having to be strong pressurizes me a lot because I have to be tough. I find it hard to tell my friends about my feelings because I don't think they can ever understand how I feel. And I do not want them to feel troubled, thinking of how to console me. And so, I speak it through here.

I am actually afraid that one day, I would just break down and sink into my own world. I do not know if I have been keeping too much to myself.I do not know how to stop my tears. Every little thing affects me.

My low self-esteem problem is coming back again. I remembered that mummy used to say I am very muddleheaded and I can't do things properly. Indeed, I do feel so too. In actual fact, I think I am quite slow in catching up with stuff. I do not know if it is a self fulfilling prophecy. I am really quite blur at times and can get easily distracted. Knowing this, I tried my best to improve but sometimes, the more pressure you feel, that more you can't do it.
I know you guys will say that, I am not and that I shouldn't feel this way.
But I have been told off too many times that I can' help but feel this way.
I just want to to let all of you know, I am trying hard to be a better person. Please give me your tolerance.

There is no one I can depend on but me myself. That is how I tell myself to be independent. Everyone has their own lifes and own personalities. Do not expect them to be always understanding to you. So no matter how unhappy I am,I am going to somehow deal with it myself. There is no choice but for me to walk down this road. Nothing is ever going to take me down!


Feeling alone,
Agnes


"Where are you, mummy?"