" Sometimes, we just need a break to carry on."
Dear all,
It has been a while since I have updated my blog. Much has happened since then. And I shall start off with the day after my convocation.
I have to admit that sometimes you just have to believe things that are out of the world. That day after my convocation, the day when I was really sad, mummy came. ( Hope it doesn't sound eerie and gives anyone of you any goosebumps).
I know it s you I see, mummy. Somehow, perhaps some may say as a coincidence but there are just too many incidents to support the fact that somehow it may just be you. Remembered I once told you guys that I saw a moth at my office at level 14th? The day after my convo, I saw it again. As if it knows I am sad, it has came to visit me. It left when I left for lunch that day and somehow it left after I felt much better. Well, sometimes, somethings are best left unspoken and the fact that I believed, makes me feel better.
I know you are always here, as long as I believe. When faith falters, I know you will come and restore the faith.
Oh yah, mummy, I have started driving! But I can't park for goodness sake haha. It is a pity I did not start driving earlier, lest you could have taken a ride with me. You are the one person who I wish I could have ferry around for you are the one who make all these possible. Well, rest assured, I will be careful when I am driving. It is a great feeling to be on the move! Driving and listening to music, that s life manzx..
My week started off with staying over at Ying's place to celebrate her birthday. We made cheesecake..ermm..ok.. she made while I slept haha. Then on tuesday itself, we went to sing KTV and at night we went to new asia bar at raffles city for a drink with Qi and Jia. For the first time in my life, I truly was taken aback by the night city view of Spore. For those who have not visited new asia bar before, it is at the top of raffles city with a magnificent 180 degrees view of spore night view.I enjoyed the food there, especially the bbq platter...Yummmmmy! Though it could have been better if there was no smoke around.
Well, things change, and more often that not, people change. It is pretty amazing on further thought that four of us who are so vastly different can still stay connected, or hopefully so I wish. Ying and Jia will be studying while Qi is already working. For me, I am going to be unemployed soon. Ha. Qi said a sentence which made a huge impact on me. She said, " Those who are working, will have different topics to talk about". ( not the exact words, but something like that). From what I have comprehended, it implied that those who are working and those who are studying will have less common topics to talk about which may ultimately means that we have less to talk about due to different interests.
Actually, I have already experienced a bit of the truth of that sentence that night when we went out. And I am beginning to wonder if we will all drift apart someday, especially when we are all working (though we may have more common topics to talk about, eg. bitch about boss etc.) since all of us will be very busy with our own stuff.
I agree that working is really tiring. These past few days, I fell asleep almost immediately I went home. I even fell asleep when I was watching the tv. Never really did finish watching what I intended to watch. I am only working as a temp. Can you imagine how tiring it will be when I truly start work? Hence I truly do believe that when we all start working, we will not even have enought time to sleep, lest meet up. Guess we all just have to make more effort to maintain our relationship.
Nevertheless, these past few days have been quite happening. I have been living the life of a tai tai after work. Spa, yoga, shopping but well except for mahjoing.
In short, I am just loving myself and pampering myself and maybe to prepare myself for a life of a tai tai. Yah, yah, yah..continue dreaming.
I must especially highlight yesterday happening. Work started off at 9 with me, ying, and violet calling up members to update their birthdates. I didn't know such a simple task could have evoked so many jokes. For me, instead of date of birth, I said birth of date..and not once but a few times. The member even has to correct me. For this, I have being laughed by my colleagues. As for ying, she cracked the most hilarious joke of the day. It has been a while since I have laughed my head off. I do not think you guys will understand the joke unless you have been there at that moment. Anyway, it is the joke on the case of the missing ms faradilah.
Oh yah, one more thing, office has become a warfare since one of the perm staff has started to complain about us (we temp on being too slack, not clearing cases etc.) We have been told by our superior to be more hardworking. However the name of the particular perm staff has not been released. I am indiginant about the fact that the person has secretly tell tale on us instead of telling us straight. Our boss said, things are like this in the working world and I wonder how bad office politics could get when I truly start working. This has been a mystery which all of the temps have been discussing for the whole week. Trying to find out who s the person behind the back. Interesting. Office politics even for temp staff. Well, I guess, they can say whatever they want behind our backs but as long as we know we did our work, nothing else matters. Anyway I am leaving next week so I shadn't bother myself too much with it.
Oh yah, back to the day's happenings. In the afternoon, I went to volunteer with my friends to help disseminate wheelchairs for tsunamis victims. Oh yah oh yah, there is something which I have to tell you guys. I might be able to go Aceh to help out! I am so excited. haha. Anyway it is really a very interesting experience, disseminating the wheelchairs and then fixing back a new one for the needy. Very meaningful too. Think I will try to make an effort to help out at a regular basis. For those who like to join me, you can always leave down a msg me. The more, the merrier.
Finally at nightfall, I went to the Zpop concert. It was cool especially JJ, simply took my breath away. I have to admit he is really talented. And I am simply taken aback that he has so many fans in singapore. Practically everyone stood up when it was his turn to sing. Ah mei was fantastic too. Hot. haha.
Ok, anyway that should be all for my weekly update. Busy right? I am tired just simply writing on it. Ok, I have decided to take more time off for myself. I do not think I can stand it anymore. haha. Too tiring. Getting old. In the meanwhile, I am looking forward to my taiwan trip on 2nd aug. That s when my true break will come. Come august, I will have more time for myself too. No work means more time to slack.
Dear friends, if you are also living a very hectic life like me, do take some time off for yourself. Do not attemp to cramp too many things for there s only a limit we can do.
Busily trying to be free,
Agnes
P.S : Take a break.Visit my webshots website to view my photos under my links.
Sunday, July 24, 2005
Thursday, July 14, 2005
Tension of Opposites
" Happy or Sad. Can I be both?"
Dear Mummy,
Yesterday was convocation day. My graduation which you fervently wish to go, yet can't. I remembered vividly how you told me you wanted very much to go. In an attempt to console you, I said we could always make special arrangements for you to go and in the end I just ended by shrugging it off, saying I don't really want to go anyway.
Indeed, I did not really want to go when mummy was still in bed then. I can't really find any meaning in going anyway since the person who wanted to go the most couldn't. Alas, I went yesterday mainly because I know she wanted to go. I just had to go to fulfil one of her last wishes.
I wasn't proud of myself for being able to complete my studies, many others did too. I travelled the road much travelled and graduated like the many others. What was different was that unlike many, mummy wasn't there. Studies was one of the contributing factors for my stress and withdrawal back then which ultimately clouded my vision and causing my neglect for mummy. That was the reason why I wasn't so proud of my studies. If I have a choice, I rather have mummy than being able to graduate.
Mummy, you have endured so much to bring me up, yet you could not witness the result you worked so hard for.I am sad, but I tried not to think about it. Though daddy and ah ma were there, somehow I don't feel that they really wanted to go. Maybe just because I asked them to go. Maybe I should not be so prejudiced in my thinking. Maybe they did want to go, just that they did not say it out like you did.
I felt lost today, not once but twice. I was frustrated, irritated, sad, glad, and angry. Mixed feelings I would say. Something that is getting worse, I feel. I think I am going mad soon with this whirlwind of emotions constantly chasing me. The opposites of emotions and the swings of these emotions are stifling. I have never been happier, yet I have never been sadder. I have never been more alive, yet I have never felt more like dying.
Let me just start off with today's events, just to provide a little more insights on my feelings. It started with me and daddy going to HDB to sign the new title deed. You said to me previously that we could shift out of our present house if it s a little too big for the two of us when you left. Stupidly, I went to answer, yah I have thought of it too. On recollection, I felt that was really insensitive of me to say that. Mummy, I am sorry. I should not have said that for somehow it would have meant that I had speculated your death.
Well, mummy, as far as I am concerned now, I am not going to move out of this house. It is a place that we have spent most of our time together. It is a place where you will always live. And for that, the house signifies our relationship, in the past, present and in the future.
Next, we went to PS. Now that, I am managing the finances, I realize how hard it was for you then to start writing cheques towards the end of the month. I vividly remember the last time you sat at the dining table, writing those cheques before you fell too ill to write. I took over and I was quite irritated over it. I never used to like to manage finance, but now I have to and I am beginning to like it. So here we are at PS, intending to pay our property tax cos I mistakenly thought daddy's POST was my POSB.(Just a note: in case you guys do not know there is no POST at PS). Luckily though, there was a SAM machine and I went to pay payment there.
Meanwhile, I asked daddy to stay as his leg is not well enough for him to walk long distance. By the time I was back, he was gone. I admit I took a longer time to make payment but still, he should have waited for me. I looked everywhere for him, walked at least four rounds the same area. And the worst thing was that his phone was spoilt, or we thought. This is the first time that I felt lost, and frustrated, just like a little kid lost admist the crowd and perhaps looking for something that was not there.
So I gave up in the end and sat at the place I asked him to stay,with my sored feet.We had also initially intended to repair daddy's phone but alas, it was a false alarm. Guess the phone miraculously came back to life again. And then out of nowhere, daddy came out. This time round, since the phone was ok, I told him I am going to buy presents for my friends and asked him to walk around himself and I would call him when I am ready.
Here I went, shopping alone for presents, something quite enjoyable surprisingly. Perhaps I am getting used to being alone. Perhaps I did enjoy the financial independence to a certain extent and that was most probably why I started to liking managing finances. If mummy is around, she would definitely nag me for buying so many presents. She disliked paying for stuff first on behalf of the rest cos she said in the end you will not get the $$ back.
Presents, glorious presents, wonderful presents. I bought a boundful of them. And I was really happy that I managed to buy presents that I think my friends would like.Then my dad called, called to ask if I am going back for lunch. And before I even say goodbye, or state my conclusion the line was cut off. I was irritated. And so I called back again. No answer. No answer. A hello and the line was cut off. No answer. No answer. No answer. I was fed up.
Ok, never mind. I shall continue to shop for presents and I did not let the frustration last for long. I guess the happiness of shopping for presents was much more overwhelming than the frustration. It was a great feeling carrying so many bags full of presents. Well, it was sort of like a shopping spree only that most of the stuff in the bags aren't for me. I just hope they like the presents cos each of the presents has a meaning which I shall explain in an card if I have the time.
Anyways, so in the end, daddy finally called and I finally bought all the presents and so we went home with kueh pie tie for ah ma. It was a mad rush of time after that. Lunch. Call up the insurance company for my group's travel insurance.( This time round I was irritated again, but I shadn't elaborate more, lest I irritate all of you with my numerous irritations today). Iron my heavy and wrinkled gown, my shirt and my pants. Bathe. Make up. Get ready my stuff. Go over to ah ma house to grab a bite.
Then finally I reached school and it was 4.45pm. 15 minutes before I need to be seated in and the best thing is I was not robed yet. And so I went to look for friends, engaged their help or rather my friend mummy's help to put on my gown. ( Well, if mummy was there, I am sure she would ensure that I was properly robed, checked that each strand of my hair was in place and beamed at me with a proud smile). Anyway I took a few photos and rushed down to Nanyang Auditorium where the ceremony was going to be held.
Everywhere you go, everyone you see..all of them were taking photos. Of course, I did too but mostly with my friends' cameras cos I left my camera with daddy. Well below is the only one I took with ah ma and daddy.
Dear Mummy,
Yesterday was convocation day. My graduation which you fervently wish to go, yet can't. I remembered vividly how you told me you wanted very much to go. In an attempt to console you, I said we could always make special arrangements for you to go and in the end I just ended by shrugging it off, saying I don't really want to go anyway.
Indeed, I did not really want to go when mummy was still in bed then. I can't really find any meaning in going anyway since the person who wanted to go the most couldn't. Alas, I went yesterday mainly because I know she wanted to go. I just had to go to fulfil one of her last wishes.
I wasn't proud of myself for being able to complete my studies, many others did too. I travelled the road much travelled and graduated like the many others. What was different was that unlike many, mummy wasn't there. Studies was one of the contributing factors for my stress and withdrawal back then which ultimately clouded my vision and causing my neglect for mummy. That was the reason why I wasn't so proud of my studies. If I have a choice, I rather have mummy than being able to graduate.
Mummy, you have endured so much to bring me up, yet you could not witness the result you worked so hard for.I am sad, but I tried not to think about it. Though daddy and ah ma were there, somehow I don't feel that they really wanted to go. Maybe just because I asked them to go. Maybe I should not be so prejudiced in my thinking. Maybe they did want to go, just that they did not say it out like you did.
I felt lost today, not once but twice. I was frustrated, irritated, sad, glad, and angry. Mixed feelings I would say. Something that is getting worse, I feel. I think I am going mad soon with this whirlwind of emotions constantly chasing me. The opposites of emotions and the swings of these emotions are stifling. I have never been happier, yet I have never been sadder. I have never been more alive, yet I have never felt more like dying.
Let me just start off with today's events, just to provide a little more insights on my feelings. It started with me and daddy going to HDB to sign the new title deed. You said to me previously that we could shift out of our present house if it s a little too big for the two of us when you left. Stupidly, I went to answer, yah I have thought of it too. On recollection, I felt that was really insensitive of me to say that. Mummy, I am sorry. I should not have said that for somehow it would have meant that I had speculated your death.
Well, mummy, as far as I am concerned now, I am not going to move out of this house. It is a place that we have spent most of our time together. It is a place where you will always live. And for that, the house signifies our relationship, in the past, present and in the future.
Next, we went to PS. Now that, I am managing the finances, I realize how hard it was for you then to start writing cheques towards the end of the month. I vividly remember the last time you sat at the dining table, writing those cheques before you fell too ill to write. I took over and I was quite irritated over it. I never used to like to manage finance, but now I have to and I am beginning to like it. So here we are at PS, intending to pay our property tax cos I mistakenly thought daddy's POST was my POSB.(Just a note: in case you guys do not know there is no POST at PS). Luckily though, there was a SAM machine and I went to pay payment there.
Meanwhile, I asked daddy to stay as his leg is not well enough for him to walk long distance. By the time I was back, he was gone. I admit I took a longer time to make payment but still, he should have waited for me. I looked everywhere for him, walked at least four rounds the same area. And the worst thing was that his phone was spoilt, or we thought. This is the first time that I felt lost, and frustrated, just like a little kid lost admist the crowd and perhaps looking for something that was not there.
So I gave up in the end and sat at the place I asked him to stay,with my sored feet.We had also initially intended to repair daddy's phone but alas, it was a false alarm. Guess the phone miraculously came back to life again. And then out of nowhere, daddy came out. This time round, since the phone was ok, I told him I am going to buy presents for my friends and asked him to walk around himself and I would call him when I am ready.
Here I went, shopping alone for presents, something quite enjoyable surprisingly. Perhaps I am getting used to being alone. Perhaps I did enjoy the financial independence to a certain extent and that was most probably why I started to liking managing finances. If mummy is around, she would definitely nag me for buying so many presents. She disliked paying for stuff first on behalf of the rest cos she said in the end you will not get the $$ back.
Presents, glorious presents, wonderful presents. I bought a boundful of them. And I was really happy that I managed to buy presents that I think my friends would like.Then my dad called, called to ask if I am going back for lunch. And before I even say goodbye, or state my conclusion the line was cut off. I was irritated. And so I called back again. No answer. No answer. A hello and the line was cut off. No answer. No answer. No answer. I was fed up.
Ok, never mind. I shall continue to shop for presents and I did not let the frustration last for long. I guess the happiness of shopping for presents was much more overwhelming than the frustration. It was a great feeling carrying so many bags full of presents. Well, it was sort of like a shopping spree only that most of the stuff in the bags aren't for me. I just hope they like the presents cos each of the presents has a meaning which I shall explain in an card if I have the time.
Anyways, so in the end, daddy finally called and I finally bought all the presents and so we went home with kueh pie tie for ah ma. It was a mad rush of time after that. Lunch. Call up the insurance company for my group's travel insurance.( This time round I was irritated again, but I shadn't elaborate more, lest I irritate all of you with my numerous irritations today). Iron my heavy and wrinkled gown, my shirt and my pants. Bathe. Make up. Get ready my stuff. Go over to ah ma house to grab a bite.
Then finally I reached school and it was 4.45pm. 15 minutes before I need to be seated in and the best thing is I was not robed yet. And so I went to look for friends, engaged their help or rather my friend mummy's help to put on my gown. ( Well, if mummy was there, I am sure she would ensure that I was properly robed, checked that each strand of my hair was in place and beamed at me with a proud smile). Anyway I took a few photos and rushed down to Nanyang Auditorium where the ceremony was going to be held.
Everywhere you go, everyone you see..all of them were taking photos. Of course, I did too but mostly with my friends' cameras cos I left my camera with daddy. Well below is the only one I took with ah ma and daddy.
Maybe I will edit it one of these days and include mummy in the photos. Then it would seem that she went to. Haha. Self-denial and Self-deceiving.
Anyway the evening went on pretty ok..ily. I was zapped off to the land of Harry Potter whereby all the students were dressed in stupidly stifling and big butterful like gowns and hoods that seem like dowager head's gear in the past dynasty. The speech came, then the names, the photo taking all over again and finally the hide-and-seek again.
I merely went off to grab some food for daddy and ah ma and they were gone again. Maybe it is my fault as I did not spoke loud enough to inform them. Maybe it is just the crowd. I hate the crowd anyway. Told you I did not want to go already. The crowds always stifle me. Well, I went cos it is supposedly once in a lifetime, like marriages. ( Well, on second thoughts, nothing is ever once in a lifetime except your birth and death. You can always go for a post graduate and get married for more than once).
So here Agnes the finder started counting to 100 and went on her search again, with her sored feet. This time round, I became smarter and started calling. No answer. No answer. No answer. Walk around. Look around. Walk around. Fed up. Walk around. Look around. Fed up and threw away the food.Went out. Took off my shoes and sat down. No answer. No answer. No answer. Why won't daddy just call me if he didn't see me? So I did not give up and continued to call. No answer. No answer. No answer.Totally fed up.
K, then finally my daddy called. Found them and hooray, game over.
The only thing left to do then was to get out cos they look bored and hungry and I was irritated. We can always take photos another time. Though deep down, I did wanted to take photos with my good friends but alas, the mood was not right then. To them, I want to say sorry for my abrupt departure and sorry I did not wait for you guys. I have enough of waiting. Let's wait till the gers are back and we will go out one day and take a group photo k?
Anyway off we go, with me a speed that s faster than anyone of them. Ah ma followed and then daddy. I am sorry for walking so fast and made them follow me. I just wanted to get out cos I do not know why I am there anyway, maybe just so not to have any regrets that I did not go for this so called once in a lifetime event. Well, I regretted going anyway.
Along the way, I finally broke down. I cried. Cried without sound so that ah ma and daddy will not detect it. Alas I think they know. But still I am not going to cry openly in front of them. We ate dinner and then went home. I locked myself in mummy's room and fell asleep. And here, I am writing this entry.
My whirlwind of emotions have sort of subsided now aftering lashing all of them out here. Mummy, I am fine for now, I think. Haha. So do not worry about me k. I think I am better off alone. You asked who I will go to when I am down. I answered friends. Now, my answer will be YOU.
Sorting out myself,
Agnes
P.S: Please do not ask if I am ok or not. I heard a thousand if not a million of it. I do not know how to answer a question which I am not sure of. Even if I say I am not ok, there isn't much you can do.I know you care, but just let me be.Treat me the way you used to be, or maybe just a little nicer will do haha. Tension of opposites.
Saturday, July 09, 2005
A Long List...
"Be amazed by how your brain thinks and how your heart feels.."
Dear Mummy,
It has been a while since I drop by...Do you miss me? Will you forget me? Will I be the only one missing you?
Guess there will not be any replies to my questions because you are not around anymore. A fact which up till today I still try to deny sometimes.I never knew missing someone was so hard until now. But I have learnt to move on with the yearning for your presence.
It has been a week and so much has since happened. Let me just update you a little.. Work as a customer service officer has officially started and for five days this week, I talk to the computer. Emails, something which technology has bestowed on us have become my source of income. I replied to hundreds of them everyday and they are never-ending. Thus, leading to my OT.
Luckily, it is just a temporary assignment, lest I think I will either go blind one day or be stricken with serious back problem.
Personally, I could not imagine myself doing a office job for the next 30 or 40 years. Imagine having to face the computer everyday for 10 to 12 hours, I wonder how my health can take it to such radiation. I wonder what I should do...
And came an abundance of ideas..
1) I would become a photo-journalist. I would like to go around the world and take down the most beautiful sights and people. I want to express myself through the lens.
But would that be realistic? Am I capable enough to do that? How about my family if I keep travelling around? Can I adapt to new environments and new people? Hence, I have decided that photography and travel can be my interests and not my career. Having striked off this possibility, I carried on to dream about my future...
2) How about being working as a temp for a long-term basis? I mean, being a permanent temp which in short, means taking up some temporary assignments for a long long time...so that I can get to enjoy the flexiblity of such arrangements. I can work for a while, save some money and then go travelling. And when I am back, I shall do some more temp work and the cycle goes on. Such variability may just suit my personality of getting bored easily and wanting to try new things.
But would the money I earn sustain my life? Would I be able to support my family with that meagre amount of income? Would I be able to earn enough to support my interests such as photography, pets and travelling? Hence, I think this may well not be very realistic...
3) How about working from home? Start a dot.com business? But then, I have problems in thinking of what kind of business I can do online, having lack the expertise and contacts. And so that does not sound so appealing anymore.
4) I would like to do something meaningful. How about doing social work? Conselling? That would be interesting. Meeting new people, new stories everyday.
But I am afraid, I would not do a good job. Perhaps I would need to go for some formal training first. Having lack the $$ for the time being, I think it is better I find a better paying job first, before I embark on this journey of exploring human minds.
5) In the end, I came up with a great idea. Why don't I simply just combine all my ideas into one. Put all my favourite things into one idea? I shall be a social entrepreneur. I shall open a cafe, called Fav Cafe (which in a way implies all my favourite things). In this cafe, I shall make it as comfortable as possible with a nostalgic feel.
A corner will be dedicated to mummy and it will be named Mummy's corner with mummy favourite things which are bags,shoes and clothes. You can say it s sort of a retail corner.I will decorate this corner with mummy's photos and of course our family portraits etc. It is a place when I can go when I miss mummy.
For the rest of the cafe, I shall decorate them with my photos, photos which I will be taking..of people and sights. Flowers would be a must in my cafe and customers can buy the flowers if they like. Pets will be allowed into my cafe and there will be food provided for them. There will be a notice board at one corner of the cafe whereby events and activities will be publicised on the board. Events will include charitable events, sport events, travel programmes and so forth. In short, all my favourite activities will be there.
The seats will be those wooden kind whereby they can swing to and fro. Friends from all over the place can come and have their gatherings here.It will be a place to connect all and allow all to connect with new people. Once in a while, I will invite live bands to play in my cafe. The food served will be pastries,cakes,and normal beverages. And there will be a small reading corner too, for those who likes to read.
Most importantly, part of my profits will go to a charitable organisation of my choice and hence the word-social entreprenuer.I contribute back to the society which gave me so much.
This seems like the best idea I had, though it s a bit too complicated and perhaps not of a good business sense as there is no specific theme to attract the crowd. It is a wonderful dream, whether it can be realized or not.
But of course, the reality sets in too. Will I be able to have the $$ to open such a cafe? Will this cafe to able to survive? Where do I get the suppliers? etc....
Although realities often get in the ways of dreams, I believe it is the process of dreaming that can bring us the most joy. At least, you have a dream to work towards to, at least you can see something in the future and not just a normal office job.
Dear friends, dare to dream..dare to make your dream come true. At least take a step forward and think.
Dreaming and dreaming,
Agnes
P.S: " I am amazed by how my brain works.You can too."
Dear Mummy,
It has been a while since I drop by...Do you miss me? Will you forget me? Will I be the only one missing you?
Guess there will not be any replies to my questions because you are not around anymore. A fact which up till today I still try to deny sometimes.I never knew missing someone was so hard until now. But I have learnt to move on with the yearning for your presence.
It has been a week and so much has since happened. Let me just update you a little.. Work as a customer service officer has officially started and for five days this week, I talk to the computer. Emails, something which technology has bestowed on us have become my source of income. I replied to hundreds of them everyday and they are never-ending. Thus, leading to my OT.
Luckily, it is just a temporary assignment, lest I think I will either go blind one day or be stricken with serious back problem.
Personally, I could not imagine myself doing a office job for the next 30 or 40 years. Imagine having to face the computer everyday for 10 to 12 hours, I wonder how my health can take it to such radiation. I wonder what I should do...
And came an abundance of ideas..
1) I would become a photo-journalist. I would like to go around the world and take down the most beautiful sights and people. I want to express myself through the lens.
But would that be realistic? Am I capable enough to do that? How about my family if I keep travelling around? Can I adapt to new environments and new people? Hence, I have decided that photography and travel can be my interests and not my career. Having striked off this possibility, I carried on to dream about my future...
2) How about being working as a temp for a long-term basis? I mean, being a permanent temp which in short, means taking up some temporary assignments for a long long time...so that I can get to enjoy the flexiblity of such arrangements. I can work for a while, save some money and then go travelling. And when I am back, I shall do some more temp work and the cycle goes on. Such variability may just suit my personality of getting bored easily and wanting to try new things.
But would the money I earn sustain my life? Would I be able to support my family with that meagre amount of income? Would I be able to earn enough to support my interests such as photography, pets and travelling? Hence, I think this may well not be very realistic...
3) How about working from home? Start a dot.com business? But then, I have problems in thinking of what kind of business I can do online, having lack the expertise and contacts. And so that does not sound so appealing anymore.
4) I would like to do something meaningful. How about doing social work? Conselling? That would be interesting. Meeting new people, new stories everyday.
But I am afraid, I would not do a good job. Perhaps I would need to go for some formal training first. Having lack the $$ for the time being, I think it is better I find a better paying job first, before I embark on this journey of exploring human minds.
5) In the end, I came up with a great idea. Why don't I simply just combine all my ideas into one. Put all my favourite things into one idea? I shall be a social entrepreneur. I shall open a cafe, called Fav Cafe (which in a way implies all my favourite things). In this cafe, I shall make it as comfortable as possible with a nostalgic feel.
A corner will be dedicated to mummy and it will be named Mummy's corner with mummy favourite things which are bags,shoes and clothes. You can say it s sort of a retail corner.I will decorate this corner with mummy's photos and of course our family portraits etc. It is a place when I can go when I miss mummy.
For the rest of the cafe, I shall decorate them with my photos, photos which I will be taking..of people and sights. Flowers would be a must in my cafe and customers can buy the flowers if they like. Pets will be allowed into my cafe and there will be food provided for them. There will be a notice board at one corner of the cafe whereby events and activities will be publicised on the board. Events will include charitable events, sport events, travel programmes and so forth. In short, all my favourite activities will be there.
The seats will be those wooden kind whereby they can swing to and fro. Friends from all over the place can come and have their gatherings here.It will be a place to connect all and allow all to connect with new people. Once in a while, I will invite live bands to play in my cafe. The food served will be pastries,cakes,and normal beverages. And there will be a small reading corner too, for those who likes to read.
Most importantly, part of my profits will go to a charitable organisation of my choice and hence the word-social entreprenuer.I contribute back to the society which gave me so much.
This seems like the best idea I had, though it s a bit too complicated and perhaps not of a good business sense as there is no specific theme to attract the crowd. It is a wonderful dream, whether it can be realized or not.
But of course, the reality sets in too. Will I be able to have the $$ to open such a cafe? Will this cafe to able to survive? Where do I get the suppliers? etc....
Although realities often get in the ways of dreams, I believe it is the process of dreaming that can bring us the most joy. At least, you have a dream to work towards to, at least you can see something in the future and not just a normal office job.
Dear friends, dare to dream..dare to make your dream come true. At least take a step forward and think.
Dreaming and dreaming,
Agnes
P.S: " I am amazed by how my brain works.You can too."
Friday, July 01, 2005
Mummy, is that you?
"The grief continues..."
Dear Mummy,
Is that you? Recently I have been seeing a lot of moths, all around me. It was said that the souls of the dead will rest in moths whereby they will fly back to visit their loved ones.Indeed, I heard stories of such cases and more than often I would shrug it off, thinking that all are mere coincidences.
However, today, I would like to take back my words. Perhaps, it is true and such incidents are not exactly coincidences. For me, I have been seeing them at the most unexpected places, at the stairways to my ah ma's house, at my office which is at 14th level and at my kitchen just now. The most bizarre incident of which was the one which happened at my kitchen. It is as if you are playing now you see it, now you don't.
I was taken aback when I went to the kitchen just now as the moth, a relatively big one just flew out of nowhere and rested on the wall. In a split second, it was gone. Deep down, somehow I felt it was mummy coming back to visit me as she knows I am not feeling good these few days.
These past few days, I have been feeling rather moody and have been constantly thinking of mummy. Tears keep welling up in my eyes and I kept swallowing them down. It was an awful feeling and the only thing that I wanted to do, was to wait for the time to go home and cry it out. Right here, right now, I am crying..and more than often, when I was writing the rest of the entries, I was tearing as well. I can't control my mind and lest my emotions. I can't stop thinking and I can't stop crying.There are times which I really feel I could not take it anymore. How I wish I could end everything.
I know I have to be strong. Many of my friends said I was strong. But then, it is not that I am strong but it is just that I have been dealt with this situation and I have no choice but to deal with it this way or that way. It is either I wallow in my despair or I just brave it through.
Having to be strong pressurizes me a lot because I have to be tough. I find it hard to tell my friends about my feelings because I don't think they can ever understand how I feel. And I do not want them to feel troubled, thinking of how to console me. And so, I speak it through here.
I am actually afraid that one day, I would just break down and sink into my own world. I do not know if I have been keeping too much to myself.I do not know how to stop my tears. Every little thing affects me.
My low self-esteem problem is coming back again. I remembered that mummy used to say I am very muddleheaded and I can't do things properly. Indeed, I do feel so too. In actual fact, I think I am quite slow in catching up with stuff. I do not know if it is a self fulfilling prophecy. I am really quite blur at times and can get easily distracted. Knowing this, I tried my best to improve but sometimes, the more pressure you feel, that more you can't do it.
I know you guys will say that, I am not and that I shouldn't feel this way.
But I have been told off too many times that I can' help but feel this way.
I just want to to let all of you know, I am trying hard to be a better person. Please give me your tolerance.
There is no one I can depend on but me myself. That is how I tell myself to be independent. Everyone has their own lifes and own personalities. Do not expect them to be always understanding to you. So no matter how unhappy I am,I am going to somehow deal with it myself. There is no choice but for me to walk down this road. Nothing is ever going to take me down!
Feeling alone,
Agnes
"Where are you, mummy?"
Dear Mummy,
Is that you? Recently I have been seeing a lot of moths, all around me. It was said that the souls of the dead will rest in moths whereby they will fly back to visit their loved ones.Indeed, I heard stories of such cases and more than often I would shrug it off, thinking that all are mere coincidences.
However, today, I would like to take back my words. Perhaps, it is true and such incidents are not exactly coincidences. For me, I have been seeing them at the most unexpected places, at the stairways to my ah ma's house, at my office which is at 14th level and at my kitchen just now. The most bizarre incident of which was the one which happened at my kitchen. It is as if you are playing now you see it, now you don't.
I was taken aback when I went to the kitchen just now as the moth, a relatively big one just flew out of nowhere and rested on the wall. In a split second, it was gone. Deep down, somehow I felt it was mummy coming back to visit me as she knows I am not feeling good these few days.
These past few days, I have been feeling rather moody and have been constantly thinking of mummy. Tears keep welling up in my eyes and I kept swallowing them down. It was an awful feeling and the only thing that I wanted to do, was to wait for the time to go home and cry it out. Right here, right now, I am crying..and more than often, when I was writing the rest of the entries, I was tearing as well. I can't control my mind and lest my emotions. I can't stop thinking and I can't stop crying.There are times which I really feel I could not take it anymore. How I wish I could end everything.
I know I have to be strong. Many of my friends said I was strong. But then, it is not that I am strong but it is just that I have been dealt with this situation and I have no choice but to deal with it this way or that way. It is either I wallow in my despair or I just brave it through.
Having to be strong pressurizes me a lot because I have to be tough. I find it hard to tell my friends about my feelings because I don't think they can ever understand how I feel. And I do not want them to feel troubled, thinking of how to console me. And so, I speak it through here.
I am actually afraid that one day, I would just break down and sink into my own world. I do not know if I have been keeping too much to myself.I do not know how to stop my tears. Every little thing affects me.
My low self-esteem problem is coming back again. I remembered that mummy used to say I am very muddleheaded and I can't do things properly. Indeed, I do feel so too. In actual fact, I think I am quite slow in catching up with stuff. I do not know if it is a self fulfilling prophecy. I am really quite blur at times and can get easily distracted. Knowing this, I tried my best to improve but sometimes, the more pressure you feel, that more you can't do it.
I know you guys will say that, I am not and that I shouldn't feel this way.
But I have been told off too many times that I can' help but feel this way.
I just want to to let all of you know, I am trying hard to be a better person. Please give me your tolerance.
There is no one I can depend on but me myself. That is how I tell myself to be independent. Everyone has their own lifes and own personalities. Do not expect them to be always understanding to you. So no matter how unhappy I am,I am going to somehow deal with it myself. There is no choice but for me to walk down this road. Nothing is ever going to take me down!
Feeling alone,
Agnes
"Where are you, mummy?"
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