A Crazy Idea

Dear Mummy
Pls allow me to borrow your space for a while to grieve for yet another important loss in my life.
I am going to write to him like how I write to you.
Writing has been a good source of grieving for me.

Dear Ah OO,
You are an octopus and oyster true and true.
Breaking so many hearts and closing your heart so tight
You think you are right. I think you are wrong too.
I thank you for your time and willingness to spend your time with such a tut tut like me.
To me you will always be put put lots of shit. And I will always be tut tut full of slugs.
For the million sake, pls refrain from your frivolous ways, misleading and seducing ladies and then finally breaking their hearts.
You must have rejected 2ooo ladies thus far, given your most recent track record of more than 15 girls in 2 years.
Seriously, what is so good about you? And can you say true to your heart that you have not done anything wrong or misleading? It may not be the words, but the actions too.
By allowing and being so intimate physically with ladies, do you consider yourself as a prim and proper gentleman?
Perhaps thats why ladies like bad boys don't they? Just like you.
Sometimes I really find that you are such a jerk. Sometimes when my anger subside, I know you are not at fault. It has been mutual.
You are a nice man with a good heart. But you are a pretty good heart breaker. Looking out for preys..or preys just fall into your hands of the predator easily.
I must have been the stupidest prey of all. Easy feat ah?
So happening just like a drama serial....
YOU ARE A JERKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK emo state again..
Thats all the ventilation for now.

Hate you,
Agnes

Twenty years later...

Dear Mummy,

It has been an eventful 2 years since I last wrote in...
It is really the spur of the moment that I have decided to write in after so long...
Not sure what have been stopping me...laziness I presume
And I guess I m just too bored and too lonely these days to the extent that I think you are the best person to talk to now...

I have been running away, living in a dream. I still am.
When will be the day I start to come back to reality and face my own worst fears?
Twenty years later?

Someone important told me that I may not remember him twenty years down the road...
Will I forget him? I really do not know. It has been hard forgetting the memories.
Really haunting.......
Time they say will dilute everything even memories.
I agree..cos it happened to you. Worst, my memory is poor.
So most likely it will happen to him too.
No one can be with you forever, except yourself and your breath would be your closest friend.

I have learnt but not well enough.
Some things are just not meant to be, no matter how much you want it.
It may not be even if you have gotten it.
Just like you, gone with the wind just like that.
People come, people go. One day I will go too. To where? To you?
Looking back, I have been silly. But I have been a silly happy fool.

A deep void remains. Nothing seems to be able to fill it.
What could it be? Where could it be? How could I find it?
Death sometimes seems like a pretty nice release. An end to all questions and a definitive closure to the possibilities. A beginning in its end.
Quite a radical thinking. But I m so looking forward to growing old, a step closer to death. My goal in life.

Twenty years later, I hope I can forget him but still remember you. He is just a passer by in my life. I realize the best way is to take it that he s dead. And it is impossible for anything to happen cos he s DEAD. It s so hard to even be friends. So I guess I better just let it be. Best not to have any contact. Given my small brain, I should be able to forget soon.

Anyway, things have changed. He has moved on and I have to too..just a bit slower. He s always so fast, while I am always so slow. He s so smart, with such a bigger brain than mine, while I am always a TUT TUT to him. He has so much world experience, while I am only living in my own small world. He is able to let go just like that, while I always linger on. He s so fierce, while I am so meek. We are just worlds apart.

I used to think, perhaps we could complement each other. I was wrong.
I used to think, perhaps the feeling I felt was real and full of possibilities. I was wrong.
I used to think, perhaps he is the only one. I was wrong.
I used to think, perhaps if I persevere and try hard enough, we could be together. I was wrong.
I used to think, perhaps we could still be friends and maybe even good friends. I was terribly wrong.
I used to think, perhaps he would be there for me always. I was terribly wrong too.

I was wrong, wrong, wrong and wrong.....

But one thing I was right is that I asked for it.
Every love song seems to be singing my sadness, every couple on the street seems to be amplifying my loneliness, every little thing seems to remind me of you...
I begin to wonder if I can find such happiness again. I begin to wonder if I want to have this kind of sadness again. It s a package isn't it? I am lost. I do not know what I want. To have someone or not..or better with myself?
Can someone else replace you?
Never imagine it would be so hard...but with each passing day, it gets easier.

Twenty years later, where would I be? Where would you be?
Twenty years later, I hope I can be somewhere far far away, with my camera in my hand and your face gone from my mind.
One step closer to mummy, million steps away from you and a few more steps away from death.

Wishing you Mr M , her Ms S and Little Cute Boy all the very best. May she be the one who can spend the rest of the life with you. It has been a long long road for you.
Wishing myself all the very best too.

Twenty years later, 47 years on earth. Sending this letter to myself, aged 47.
Mother of 2, a girl and a boy. Happily married. Housewife.
Or Swinging single, roaming around the world, visiting all the buddhist sites, taking all the beautiful photos, gaining more and more depth into life.

So exciting! to see how life may unfold.

Thank you Ms K, Ms J, Ms L esp Ms K for all the support. Sorry to have bothered you so much and holding on to you.

TWENTY YEARS LATER?