A New Year, A New Start, A New Beginning

"With every end comes a new beginning"

Dear Mummy,

It s 2008. I have to keep reminding myself that another year has come...that every second I am getting older and nearer to you.

Sorry for forgetting you sometimes, and that I only remember you when I needed someone. It s very selfish of me. But you are always in my heart. ok? Pls dun be angry, k? I love you and I will always do.

Recently I have been to an overseas mission trip. It was great! I have learned alot and grew a lot, and hopefully I can have the willpower to make a positive change in my life now. The kids are so innocent and adorable, with a heart so pure. Compared to them, I realized I have become so much complicated, no longer the simple me. I guess complication is much needed for survival in such a complicated world.

Such a simple world there has made me want to keep the simplicity of myself with me no matter what. And truly simplicity is happiness. Contentment is joy. It s the little things that count. Being alive is joy, being able to experience all these is joy, even it may not always be good.
I tell myself that there s always a positive side, no matter how bad things may be. I may be strong but I also need someone by my side. My always "act" strong side has told me, I have failed miserably. I am a human being, not a saint...

The stronger you seem to be, the weaker you may actually seem to be...and it s ok, really to lean on someone sometimes as long as you are willing to reach out..I know someone will be most willing to be there..and from this trip, I have found the courage to do just so...thank you my dear friend for being there with me without judging me.

"The strongest person is the person who knows when to ask for help."

And it s really all in the mind. The past doesnt matter, the future is not here. Why dwell on the unnecessary and miss the most important time NOW. This is really something which I must work hard towards. Whatever will come will be truly stands now as long as you are true to yourself and those around you.

Life has a way of compensating those who have lost something or someone somehow or other.
It always balances out.

Love is illogical. Love is irrational. Love is unconditional. Love is happiness.

Searching for happiness illogically irrationally unconditionally in the new year, a new start, a new beginning.

I know you are waiting for me just out there..every second I am walking nearer to you.

Love you always,
Agnes

P.S: Mummy, give me the strength to stay true to my heart. The power to make the change and the difference. The wisdom to love and give. And one last thing, I wanna tell Daddy that I really love him and for all that he has done for me. No words can describe it. Hugzx.

Fate

"Fate is something least unexpected in the most unexpected situations"

Dear mummy,

I have a feeling you have sent a group of people to prove to me that life s worth living.

It s your way of telling me that life s great, isnt it? especially so for the unexpected people you will meet unexpectedly.

Fate has its way of leading me to them, and you are the one who brought fate to me.

Many of us have been to many trips, been to many tours with tour groups.

But how many of us have come back as great friends with the friendships growing so much so that they are going out of control when they are back.

I have. And let me tell you, it s an amazing feeling. Nothing I have expected.

My feeling after my Tibet trip was that, it was quite boring ,for all we did was visited temples and more than often I am just monkey do monkey say, not really understanding most of the things I did. The things I enjoyed most was the nights when a group will come to our room and we will chat and play.

And the final realization I got was, it must be fate s way of leading them to me. What matters was not then, but the future it brought.

We do crazy stuff, mostly impromptu. Late night suppers at the last minute, visit to Night Safaris, cleaning elderly home, volunteering at tsa tsa making (buddhist offering), organising charity dinner, drinking, singing, dancing, msning and suaning etc.

Two months seems like two years. Unbelievable.

How long will the two years last? I do not know. As they said like fireworks, it s beautiful but it s short lived. Will our friendships continue to grow and bloom? Or can our efforts and common interests make it into wine which will become better with age.

Something is drawing us together v closely and I believe there s a reason for it.

No matter what, like what my friend has said, who cares what the future will bring as long as we treasure each moment we have each other now.

Live each moment to the fullest. Be yourself and embrace all.

Just like we know we are going to die one day, but we still live each day beautifully.

Trust me, it s a great feeling. The feeling of life.

So when fate comes along, hold on to it for as long as possible and let it go when it s time.

I believe in fate. Do you?

Love,
Agnes

P.S: Thanks guys for all the great wonderful memories! I am sure there s more to go. Cant wait to create more =P

Don't ask why. Just do it!

"Don't ask why. Just do it!" by Dr Timothy Sim

Dear Mummy,

Belated Happy Birthday! Seems like I am always late in wishing you happy birthday..haha..but well it s always better to be late than never

My wish for you is that you have already ended your suffering and have reached nirvana where peace may be with you at all times. I know you already have.

Just to share a little bit of what my tutor, Dr Timothy Sim has shared with me and class the other day.


Here goes the little thought provoking story:

Dr Sim has a friend in university who somehow injured himself one day. Being a very concerned friend, Dr Sim quickly ran over to his friend's side. And the first question was : Why did you injure yourself? How did it happen? Why like this? while blood dripped profusely down from his friend's hand.

The immediate reaction from his friend was a furious roar: " Can you please stop asking why? And do sth to my hand?"

Pushing his limits, Dr Sim rebutted and asked " Why are you so furious??"

And without further elaborating, you should know what s the next reaction coming from his friend.

Haha, a funny little inspiring story which jolted me to my senses somehow. We people tend to ask too much whys, and dont do anything about the whys. Linking back to how we were brought up, Dr Sim attributed his behaviour to his upbringing and similarly to quite a number of people.

When a child falls, what the mother would usually do and say would be " Why did you fall down?? Stoopid Stoopid!" and hits the child instead of asking " Are you alright?"

This brings us to the question of whether the reason of happening is that important since that it has already happened, why don't we just do sth about it first before thinking of why.

He furthers talked about introspection and people who are in depression. For they keep introspect themselves and keep asking why which is the main reason for their depression. They lack the courage to change the things they can and the wisdom to accept those things they cant and hence they keep asking themselves why they cant do this, why are they like this etc.

Coincidentally on the day which Dr Sim shared this ancedote, I wrote a list of whys. Why cant I let go? Why am I like this...etc? It quickly brought to my mind that I may be suffering from depression haha..and that quickly reminded me not to ask too much whys and that my unhappiness all these while is related to my "whys" problem.

And so my friend, my new quote in life is " Don't ask why. Just do it"

Whenever you are feeling puzzled over sth, try not to ask too many whys, and think of ways to solve the doubt or problem. Think it will help much better which I am doing right now.

Making an effort to change my thinking and lifestyle. Towards my goal.

Love,
Agnes

A Guest Speaker

A very good evening to all of you.

It is with my utmost pleasure to welcome you guys to the talk today.

We are very honoured to have with us here today Miss Tan from i-GAP, which means inter-generational affinity project. Or in short, I-Bridge-the Gap who will share with us her experiences volunteering with the elderly.

To elaborate a little further, i-GAP is made up of a group of committed volunteers who aims to bridge the gap between the elderly and youth by organising various activities for the elderly. For example, outings, exercises and also painting and cleaning for the elderly homes.

Miss Tan has been with this group for a period of 2 years whereby she started out as a volunteer and now a committee planning team member.

Motivated by her great interest in gerontology and disability, she is currently pursuing a graduate diploma in social work in NUS. Being a compassionate and purpose driven person, she hopes to contribute more and better to the area of gerontology.

Personally from what I know about her, she is a person who is open to suggestions, someone who is very keen to learn, someone who is more than willing to help anyone to her best abilities. A very mild tempered and patient person, you can be sure she is the best person to talk to when you are feeling upset. She will listen to whatever you have to say.

But for now, let us listen to what she has to say.

A round of an applause for Miss Tan.

__________________________________________________________________

Any yes guys, the Miss Tan is none other than me,myself and I. Miss Agnes Tan Meijing

My lecturer did this exercise in class on Monday and asked all of us to introduce ourselves from a third party point of view. You have to sell yourself like how you would sell a guest speaker to your audience. Say all the good points about the person so that the audience will feel that they have not wasted their time to come for the talk.

I had trouble with it. Instead of saying my good points, I just talked about the activities I have joined and my past history as in where I graduated from and where I worked at previously...etc etc.

She also said something about knowing your strengths so that you can build on them. It is only by knowing your strengths before you can improve on your weaknesses as well. And that all these lie in self responsibility on whether you want to improve or not. We all have a choice, it s just a matter of whether we want to live with what we have or change it. If it is the former choice, then dun complain and live with it. If it is the latter, then make the effort to change it. Nobody can change it except you. We have the power to control our own lifes, and not leave it all up to fate.

As usual practice, let me end off with a quote :

"Change those things which you can and accept those you cant. "

Friends out there, do me a favour.. Drop me a few comments on my strengths will ya? so that I can know myself better. Try asking your other friends about your strengths too and you will realize you are actually not such a bad person afterall =)

Cheers,
Agnes

After a long hiatus...

"To have eyes and fail to see..." Helen Keller

This was what Helen said when asked what could be the worst calamity to befall on any human beings. What say you?

Dear mummy,

It has been a LONG, long, LONG while since I dropped by here. Almost one year has passed and this year it is the second year since you have left.

Time does heal but never fully. A few things happened and jolted my memories of you.

Recently I have been bogged down by my own self esteem problem. Something which I am not sure whether you knew when you were still alive. It has always been a problem which I am trying to rectify and something which I have hopes of overcoming soon.

I know it s never easy to change, especially it has been me like this ever since.... I cant remember when. Reflection is an important aspect to assess whether you have changed and most important is whether you have the discipline to reflect and the discipline to change.

I have reflected and I think the main problem lies with my self discipline. I have always been lazy and you should know this better than anyone (*hiding a guilthy face*). Everytime I made a pact with myself to change, I lacked the discipline to make it happen.But I am not going to give up. And now it is the time I give myself another chance. Slowly I will. Right, mummy?

Mummy, I am back to school again studying something which I don't think you would have agreed to it. Social work. I have always wondered if you were alive, how different my life would have been. I would have found a stable job and work just like that because I would have to have that financial independence to support you and myself.

You have given me more than I have ever given to you, even after you have left for a better world. The money you have left me gave me the best opportunity to pursue what I want. This is one of the best ways which I can ever utilise the money. For the good of myself and the rest who needs it. Help yourself to help others as they said it and I hope one day I would be able to achieve it.

Quite a lot have happened during this year. So much so that I do not know where to start. Mummy, why don't you tell me what you want to know? Or maybe let me guess what you would like to know? My love life???? I can imagine a BIG yes from you hahaha...

Nope, nothing at the moment and not for the near future. Because my main priority is to find back myself during this year. It is a resolution I made and I wish to put all my energy in making it come true. Simply no distractions.

So in the meanwhile, mummy just help me keep a lookout for good candidates and keep them away from me till I am ready k? hahahaha.....Maybe give me an omen when the right one has appeared like maybe drop a stone on my head or something like that. The right one, I deeply believe, will appear when the time is right. And this I know, I will know, something which I firmly believes. Even if he does not appear in this lifetime, I have enough love from people around me to keep me blissed for the rest of my life.

Relationships are not just for the sake of companionship but the mutual love that exists and that mummy doesnt come easy. Idealistic it is, and it should never succumb to reality.

Ok, let me just give you a brief account on what have happened for this past year. I have recently been to Tibet, the holy land. Standing high up, I feel so much closer to you. Feeling that you are just looking upon me, peeking behind the clouds right there at the corner and protecting me against all possible dangers. I have gotten to know a few friends and that was I think the best gifts from the trip. How fates are interwined and how every trip brings another trip along with them.

Today, I just came back from Kukup, a fishing village in Malaysia. Truly, it is the companionship that counts. Sometimes it doesnt matter where you go, it s the people you are with. This can never be more true for this trip. So dear igapians, thanks for the wonderful memories...the fireworks are fanatistic! Mummy, did you see them?

Coming Dec, I will be going to Mynamar and all for a good cause. Finally fulfilling a dream since 4 years ago. A YEP project. Excited for it. Please give me the strength to contribute and not to be a burden.

I have been exploring Buddhism and its way of philosphopy. Interesting it is, but complicated still. To me, it is a way of living more than a religion. Religion it is called due to convenience and convention. I believe it is all in the heart and not really in the things you do, though some aid in the spiritual development. Somehow I believe, it can help me to become more focused and to be a better person so that one day I can free the 'me' in me. And you will agree to it, won't you?

It doesnt feel any much better to have goals and dreams in life. I am glad I have found a direction in life. Unsure I still may be at times, but if you never try you will never know right. And dear agnes, just for once try to shake your ego aside, forget about what people thinks, and have more confidence, will ya? I am sure you will be much better off.

I am so longwinded!!!!!! Suddenly I do not know what else to write. I always repeat what I say...so sianzx hor..hahahaha. Ok just let me end off with the quote I have started.

To have eyes and not to see.
To have ears and not to listen.
To have brain and not to think
To have heart and not to feel.
So have you been seeing, listening, thinking and feeling? Or have you forgotten what they are?

With love,
Agnes

P.S: Dear mummy, hopefully my next entry will not be another year later. Will try my best to visit you soon again. Cannot be lazy le! But most importantly it is to have the mood to write. Just hope my mood will be there.

Mummy Happy Belated Birthday!!!

Dear Mummy,

Sorry for the late wishes. Was on my way to malaysia when your birthday came. But well, it may seem like an excuse to you and well it was true to a certain extent. I was too busy trying to clear my stuff before I leave for Malaysia.

So here it is, HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY! You would be 58 if you are still around. But well to me you are still around spiritually, though not physically.

Well, today I turned 23. It has been a while since I have celebrated my birthday with a cake. Today I did. As far as I can remember, the celebrations I have with cakes are those when I was still small. I still remember that every year you would buy me a cake and celebrate my birthday with my cousins. There was this year which you didn't and I feel so out of place, as if the norm has gone and birthdays are not the same anymore. I was quite bothered by that actually, having no cake to celebrate my birthday.

Years passed and I have realized that cakes doesnt really mean anything, having not celebrated birthdays with cakes for many years. Today, I felt kinda of awakard with so many people singing me a happy birthday song...which goes... ZHU (pig) ni sheng ri kuai le...hahahaha...I just feel so out of place. As much as I am awakard with the whole process, I am still very glad and touched by what my friends have done (buy me a cake, sing me a birthday song and to wish me a very happy birthday).

The only thing that came to my mind was that ===> I must have done many good things in my past life to deserve such wonderful people in my life now. I feel really blessed and glad that life has been given to me. So now, reflecting my 23 years of life, I want to thank you Mummy, for granting me life, for letting me experience life, for allowing me the freedom to choose what I want to do, and for making me realize how wonderful and fabulous to be alive!

I just came back from a Malaysia backpacking trip. A trip of enlightment, friendship, relaxation, enjoyment and fun! Somehow, I felt that I found my true self. I am able to open out myself, to face the real me, which was a great feeling. I feel that I am able to face any challenges that life is going to present me with, though uncertainty is still bound to be present. I feel that there s an enormous strength coming from deep within, so strong that I can slay a dragon!!! I will be able to accomplish what I want to do..Marching right ahead towards my goal, even it means sacrificing many things.

And deep within, I yearn for that someone who can give me support for what I want to do, having felt the warmth of being taken care of. Guess age is catching up on me, or rather loneliness has. So dear god, will you shorten my wait and let the person appear in front of me now? Haha...No matter what, I still believe, you will be with me soon.

Anyway, if time permits, I will create a travel journal of my Malaysia Backpacking Trip and tell you mummy, how great this trip has been. To show you what you have missed out, and would definitely have loved to share it with me.

Constantly on my mind,
Agnes

P.S: Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday to you,mummy Happy birthday to you.... What gift would you like to have, mummy? I bet, you just want me to be happy. And this is a gift I am sure I am able to give it to you cos I am very happy now. Love ya!

I understand...

I understand......

But does that mean that I can accept? I do not know...

I guess sometimes it just doesnt matter anymore. I cant differentiate..just let it be...isn't it better?

I m just a mere being, a mere being with emotions too, though most of the time, I try to use my mind and think of the big picture and for everyone's good.

I guess the more I hide, the more I reveal that I am just not so understanding afterall.

In short, I m just a wilful kid, who wants things to go her way.